The Disability Hearing

About a month ago we had a call from Ryan's (Kyle's) attorney saying a date had been set for his disability claim hearing. He had made application a long time before he died, was rejected (as are most), and the attorney filed an appeal. It seems like this happened quite a while before he died. 20 months after he left us, he finally gets a disability hearing. We were ready to walk away, I have no interest in taking money from the Social Security Administration after he's gone, but the wife and I discussed it and decided that, if for no other reason, the attorney could recover some of her costs. She really is a caring and compassionate person. So we decided to proceed.

We walked into the hearing room and there was my wife and I, Ryan's attorney, the judge, a medical expert on speaker phone, and a vocational expert. They all had files as thick as a big-city phone book. They were referencing many exhibits, sub-exhibits, schedules, and so forth. They had his counseling records, his medical and hospital records, his psychiatrist's records. Things he'd NEVER want to share with anyone, and it was an open book. To hear his life reduced to a stack of papers was almost more than I could handle, and I choked up at times during the testimony. There was information read aloud he would NEVER want us, let alone others, to know. It was really sad. We wanted them to know what a caring, compassionate, loving, brilliant kid he was, but that wasn't material to the case.

The system is broken, probably irreparably. It's designed to deny benefits rather than help those in need. It sucks out the motivation, the self-worth, the soul of those attempting to collect disability. Unfortunately, it won't change, given the state of politics today.

The weeks leading up to this, both my wife and I fell into a depression. The deepest depression I've had since he died. The day after the hearing, we're both improving a bit, but it may take a while.

At A Support Meeting...

It goes along with the discussions we've been having lately, so I wanted to share.

Last night at a support group meeting, a father and his young adult son came. I didn't recognize them, it was their first meeting. The son had been in the hospital, was just diagnosed with bipolar disorder, and is currently in partial treatment. The father was doing everything he could do for his boy. The father was so hopeful that they'd found the right med combination, and his son would be cured. We find out the boy had been only a week on medication.

It's heartbreaking when you know they're going to eventually realize a week's worth of medication tells you nothing, that it may be several years before medication is correct. And that bipolar disorder is, for most of us, a life-long condition. A few tried to break it to them, but the father was so hopeful it just wasn't sinking in. I hope they continue to work with it, and that the boy doesn't give up hope. They were both so overwhelmed.

Change Is Coming

It's inevitable. With hypomania it always is, but this one worries me. I'm driving a car without brakes. Right now it's fun - windows down, warm fall day, music playing, smoking a good cigar. Enjoying myself. If I can keep the car at a reasonable speed, I can maneuver without brakes. Downshift, gently slide into a curb, there are ways to slow down without doing damage. But it's just a matter of time before the inevitable crash.

As if the feelings aren't enough, actions are speaking loudly. I'm obsessed with the website I'm building, LivingBipolar.com. I'm trying to write the occasional column for BipolarConnect. I'm trying not to ignore the family, but helping with my daughter's algebra homework is causing an upward slide towards the dreaded mania. Only for a short period, then I'm back to hypomania. Those damn slope equations, while easier for me now than they were 30 years ago are still not easy. Throw in a major stressor - we're short on money because of Black Friday Christmas shopping and school obligations that seem to hit all at once this time of year.

I'm trying to handle all my projects, handle the problems, and break in a new medication on an average of 4 hours of sleep a night. And I need a sleeping pill to even get those 4 hours. It's been this way for about 2 weeks, one day a week I get 6 to 7 hours, the rest I get 3 to 5. I'm full of energy, yet impaired. That impairment randomly sneaks into my head and Bam! I'm forced to take notice. Last night was one of those 7 hours of sleep nights, and I was a walking bundle of energy today. Even after that much sleep I unfortunately didn't take the opportunity to roll over and jump the wife, (morning is the best time, and really the ONLY time before the rest of the family gets up) as I was too obsessed with my work on the website. Obsessions are strong right now. With all that's going on in my head, the urge to self-medicate is also incredibly strong. I have quit drinking (for now), but would LOVE to get my hands on a joint. I know, I know, hold the lectures, I won't do it. My damn common sense is still hanging tough. Besides, I wouldn't begin to know where to find it these days. This desire. while tempting, will pass shortly as all other's do.

Sure as shit I'll be going down. I really and truly hope it's a mild slide that stops at normal. My new med regime might just temper things enough. I raised my Lamictal dosage to 200. I started Lithium, and just raised that dosage to 600. So far it's made me manic-leaning hypomanic. This mood might have come about even without the change in meds, or it might be exacerbated by the change. All I know is we have Christmas, New Year, and my annual hunting trip all within the next month. I desperately want to be good company for all these occasions.

I'm tightening the seat belt, this ride's going to get a bit bumpier.

Self Realization

First, I feel better than I have in the last few months. I am SO glad my SAD finally lifted.

I originally started this post with an apology to my blogging friends for not getting around to your blogs, not commenting, and not being a good friend. Then I stopped and realized it's who I am, that I'm not capable of being that kind of friend, and probably never will be. I can't take on other's problems when I can't handle my own. It's this way even with my wife, when she gets sick or depressed, I just can't handle it. To a lesser degree she's the same with me, when I've been in a bad way I've pushed her away in the past. She's gotten conditioned to rejection and nastiness. I'm a good-time friend, I'm a great motivator, I can make people feel welcome, I can make people feel good about themselves, I will try to remember your name and use it whenever I see you. I'm a lot of good things, but I'm not a hard-times friend. Not that I'm allowing myself to escape working on this part of my personality, but it's liberating to understand that this isn't a failure, it's the way I am.

Edited:
That last paragraph didn't sound good. I want friends, I just can't be a good friend in every scenario. I read about people who get offended when their friends aren't supportive enough, or aren't there for them, or don't understand their disorder. That's asking a lot of a friend, in my opinion. I expect nothing from my friends that I can't provide. Honesty and basic integrity is all I seek in a friend. That and a decent taste in music, or let me pick the tunes when we're together...

Had a pdoc appointment yesterday, and he talked me into crossing a bridge I wasn't comfortable in crossing. After 2 years of him suggesting, I finally agreed to Lithium. He suggested 600 mg, I asked for half of that, and he agreed. He says there's a synergistic effect with Lamictal, he called it "Lamithium". I also finally admitted my role as a blogger, and writer for HealthCentral. I was worried he might think I was living my diagnosis, and to be honest I thought I might be. But after a few years I realize that's not the case, I'm living with it in the way that works for me.

I'm glad to have this outlet, whether or not I'm able to be a nurturing part of the community.

The Game Face

I am SO damned sick of fighting this disorder.

My medication dosage is not high enough to handle my symptoms, but if I go higher, I impact my ability to function at work. And I'm absolutely terrified of losing my income source, or of having it cut significantly.

Because of some personal stuff I went from hypomanic to depressed in a day. I know that can happen to anyone, but I can't concentrate on work, and will probably end up going home early. That's the kind of shit I (and maybe many of us) face: Under-medicated I'm not stable enough to be effective in my job, but more medication and I'm not mentally sharp enough to be effective in my job.

I know everyone has their cross to bear, but damn - I'm so frustrated right now, I'm not sure if I want to scream or cry. I'll do neither, of course, I'll suck it up, shove it back in my head, and do what needs to be done. I'm glad to have this outlet, the only person I can share this with is my wife, and she's over-burdened already.

Time to put the game face on and jump back into the mainstream.

Managing Bipolar Disorder - Psych Central

Managing Bipolar Disorder - Psych Central

This is a pretty good article that nailed my condition - mania being a mix of irritability, anger, and depression. It says euphoric mania is the exception, not the rule. I still get hypomanias, feel-good moods, but I've never considered these mania. Mania is something to be dreaded and feared.

It also says that 90 percent of marriages involving a partner with bipolar disorder end in divorce. That's a scary statistic. I take a lot of pride in staying married for 27 years, but I want to say - it hasn't always been easy. My wife is incredibly understanding of my condition.

The article also says that more than 40 percent of persons with bipolar disorder abuse alcohol or drugs. This is no surprise, in fact I personally think this figure is too low. It then gives a stat I've heard many times before, that 15 to 25 percent die by suicide, accident, or are killed in altercations triggered in a manic phase. I'm glad it includes people killed in altercations triggered by mania, but I'll take that a step further. I think the figure is even higher if you include mania-related accidents or other forms of death when in a manic phase. Mania is the real deal, and is SO DANGEROUS.

It also goes on to talk about supplements. If you want a great piece on supplements, read Giannakali's piece Supplements, Supplements, Supplements at Bipolar Blast.

The Stages of Bipolar Disorder

Hey all – looking for some input.

I’m looking for ideas for the stages of bipolar disorder. For example, we’ve all heard of the stages of grief – denial, acceptance, and so forth. How about for bipolar disorder? Apprehension, acceptance, excitement about better drugs, disdain for pharmaceutical companies, and so forth. These can be serious or humorous. It can be an entire list, or just one or 2 items.

If everyone could leave a comment with their idea(s) we’d have a great list. Even if you don’t think your idea is good, comment anyway as it may motivate others. Anonymous comments are absolutely welcome. If reading other comments triggers another thought, comment again with that thought.

I’m still depressed, but trying to keep my mind occupied and stimulated enough that I can function. If I can stay motivated or excited about a project, or even an article idea, it makes my depressions so much easier to handle.

Saturday Shorts

I wonder at times why I keep this blog, I haven't had the time to do it justice. I hope when my mind cycle changes, I'll be back posting more. I only have so many words in my head, and all of my bipolar disorder posting has been on the BipolarConnect site.

My mixed episode is mostly gone. My mania is fading, but my depression is hanging in there, although not as bad as before.

I had a scary episode the other night, an accidental almost-overdose of ambien. I was so manic I couldn't slow down my racing mind and sleep, so I took an ambien. One didn't work, so I took another. That didn't work, so... Before long I was WAY past impaired into comatose hallucinations. Very scary. The funny part, I KNOW better, but after that second ambien it didn't matter - my judgement was gone and all that mattered was sleep. I actually blogged while I was in that condition, I unpublished it and saved it as a draft the next morning. I may re-publish that one of these days, it's a disturbing testament to that mistake (and actually kind of humorous looking at it now).

The reason I was blogging the other night when I had the ambien issue was to say I have changed my blogroll service. I was using blogrolling, I am now using bloglines. Blogrolling was experiencing a lot of downtime and slow response. For those who are still maintaining their own link list, bloglines or blogrolling is SO much better. You can put a button on your browser toolbar and add a blog to your link list with a single click. One thing, though, Bloglines only supports blogs that have feeds. Blogger has feeds, but not everyone has them enabled. So if I can't access a feed, I can't link to your blog. My apologies to those impacted, it certainly wasn't by choice.

Since I've been using Bloglines, I realize that the http://livingbipolar.com blog feeds site I built and maintain isn't necessary at all. Bloglines does the same thing and so much more. For example, here are my feeds:
http://www.bloglines.com/public/livingbipolar
And those feeds pull into a simple link list (or lists) that I pull into my blog using a single line of code, which they provide. I haven't decided yet what I'm going to do with the LivingBipolar.com site. I'm open to suggestions...

Kyle is hanging in there, but I think the blog world may be too intimidating. We'll see if he wants to continue.

I was watching Bassmasters, a fishing show on TV earlier today. I love watching fishing shows, I could have made it as a professional fisherman had life been different. No complaints, life's pretty darn good right now. But anyway... These fishermen are bringing in fish, and they're shouting...
"Oh yeah! A good one!" "Bring it home!" "Come to daddy!" "I like 'em big!" "Oh baby, you're a fighter!" "I love it!" "Ooh, she bit that worm so soft." "They want it fast today." "Stay down, don't jump!"
My wife stops, listens for a second, and says "Are you watching porn?"

Thanks to those who continue to check in regularly, and for those who read and comment on the BipolarConnect site.

Mixed Episode

How is it that you can be depressed, yet have a mind moving at the speed of light, and a body that is so full of nervous energy it can't stop moving? I hate these "mixed episodes".

Question Of The Day

I've been thinking lately (very dangerous), and wondering if there are people, scenarios, or manifestations of bipolar disorder that are best left un-medicated?

It Was The Mania Talking

Hey all, I feel bad for having made my last post. My manifestation of bipolar disorder is different than many, and maybe most others. I lean to the hypomanic and manic side. I often feel like I can do anything, and I'll tear your head off if you try and tell me differently. I can't, of course, and it's a symptom of my disorder that I feel I can.

So have some patience with my outbursts, for the past few months things have been somewhat rough. I try to post more, and end up offending people when I do.

Joey's Triumph Over Bipolar Disorder Is Remarkable: Psychiatrist

Joey's triumph over bipolar disorder is remarkable: psychiatrist

A little background here.

Andrew "Joey" Johns is a rugby legend in Australia, one of the best to ever play the game, and a national hero in that country. On a recent trip to Europe, they lost his luggage containing his medication, and he went 6 days without it. This, understandably, sent him into a mania, resulting in an alcohol binge, and arrest for drug possession.

But the reason for this post, is a quote by his psychiatrist:

Andrew Johns' psychiatrist says he has been astounded at his ability to perform while suffering bipolar disorder and taking drugs to treat the condition...

..."I think when the story comes out that Andrew did these things with the bipolar condition – was able to reach the height of sporting success and was able to do it on medication - I think that’s a very positive aspect" he said.

Now this pisses me off. I have NEVER felt there was something I couldn't do because of bipolar disorder. I watch for triggers and try to be cognizant of potential problems, but I have never felt limited by this condition. If it's important to me, I'll figure out a way to accomplish it. Period.

Discussion:

1. Do people out there feel limited by this condition?
2. If limited, is it a factor of the disorder itself? Or of the meds used to treat the disorder?
3. Is this post a function of my current hypomanic / potentially manic frame of mind? Will I feel the same way after I crash?

The Runner is Back

I've been under the weather recently, and fighting a depression since Kyle was released from the hospital. It sunk in that no matter how hard we try, we can't protect him forever. Fortunately, he came away from this experience far better prepared for life than I've ever seen him. I'm very proud of how he's responded to the crisis he faced.

The day after he was released he laced up his running shoes for the first time in years and ran 12 miles. He ran 2 full marathons when he was still in high school winning his age group in one of them. It is great to see him running again. Last night Kyle, my 12 year old daughter, and myself all ran 3 miles. Even though I'm fighting a sinus infection it felt great to run with my kids. The most enjoyable thing I've done in months.

It's good to have him home.

Life Comes At You Fast...

I say this every few weeks, but I appreciate all the emails and messages. I am still here, but I'm just not able to write as much any more. Life has gotten hectic, time has disappeared, and stress is constant. I've been bordering on mania for quite a while now.

My son Kyle is going through an experience. It was a life-threatening, and we hope, life-change experience. I wrote about it here:
http://www.healthcentral.com/bipolar/c/41/12593/crisis-kyle/?ic=4027
All of us are still dealing with the stress of this. I'll have more to report when we find out what the options are. Right now we really don't know how everything is going to shake out.

On the positive side, after over 7 years I finally quit my second job. For me, work has been a coping mechanism. If I'm working hard and moving fast, I'm not thinking too much, and not getting into trouble. It's always been one of the things that has kept me stable. I'm going to try this, we'll see how it works...

I hope all is well with everyone out there.

This Is A Health Central Top Site!

I'm stoked right now. I received a Top Site award from The Health Central Network. The Health Central Network is one of the world's premier health information web destinations. I've been writing for them for over a year, but had no clue this was coming, or that they even knew of my personal blog. From their site:

Bipolar Top Sites
Below are the web’s very best sites dedicated to bipolar disorder and depression as determined by our team of experts. These sites include small websites and individual blogs and were chosen based on their candid and informative content.  In giving these awards, we hope to recognize the individuals and organizations who share our vision in providing comprehensive, interactive and personal healthcare advice.  HealthCentral.com would like to congratulate our 2007 winners and sincerely thank them for producing high-quality, influential sites in the Bipolar and Depression community!

The Trouble with Spikol
Liz Spikol, managing editor and columnist for the Philadelphia Inquirer, has translated her award-winning column into a blog humorously highlighting everything from struggling with mental illness to how to use a mop.

Dr. Deb
Dr. Deb posts fresh, interesting, and current issues and articles that impact the human psyche.  

McMan's Depression and Bipolar Web
Health Central expert John McManamy devotes McMan's Bipolar Web to helping intelligently manage depression and bipolar disorder.

Wing of Madness
A current and informative Web site and news blog on mental health topics by site creator and HealthCentral Depression Expert Deborah Gray.

Bipolar World
Providing a friendly, interactive environment for members to obtain information, news and support.

Depression Fallout
Anne Sheffield's wisdom, support and compassion helps spread her vision of knowledge as power.

PsychEducation.org
Dedicated primarily to Bipolar II, PsychEducation.org provides, "quality education on topics where information on the Internet is scattered or non-existent".

Mood Garden
Secure, interactive community providing "Information, Support and Fun" 

Living with a Purple Dog
Patient Expert G.J. Gregory's site covers everything from living with bipolar disorder and raising a bipolar son to musing on current events, music, technology and pop culture.

Nassir Ghaemi
Psychiatrist and writer Nassir Ghaemi's blog is a mix of literary exerpts and current news commentaries written from a philosophical, psychiatric, and mental health perspective.

Immediate Problem Solving

I wonder if this is a bipolar thing.

When I’m problem solving, which is mainly what I do, I’m into it 100%. I focus on it, I live in it, I work it out, I do it right. The end result is correct, and it’s good. This isn’t process-driven stuff, it’s find-the-best-solution work. Find the most efficient code to make the program work. Or the query that loads the table in the shortest amount of time. That’s what I do, that’s what I enjoy, that’s what I’m good at.

BUT:

Ask me a day later how I did something, or why I used a particular way of accomplishing my result and you’ll get a blank stare. I don’t have a clue. I don’t remember. It’s gone, the slate is clean, the mind has moved on, it’s ready to solve a new problem. I’ve always been this way, at least since my first real job in the eighties. It makes me look stupid when I can’t explain how or why I did something. I can point to the result and say "it’s right, isn’t it?"

Anyone else like this? I'm talking a completely clean slate after completing a creative task or problem?

Hypomania

You know, hypomania's a bitch. Yes, it feels good at times to be so full of energy, productive, and fun-loving. But much of the time it's pretty destructive. For example, I didn't sleep at all tonight. It's 3:00 AM, and I'm up. I have to take my family to the airport in an hour, they're taking a vacation without me, I can't get off work. But after going to bed early and trying to sleep for 2 hours, it was too late to take an Ambien, I was worried about waking up after that. So I'm up all night. On the positive side, I tagged all my blog posts back to the first of the year.

I wish there was a way to tame this without being risky to my career. I'd love to find a way to stay on an even keel, but I'm afraid that would impact my ability to work. The lamictal takes care of the lows pretty effectively, so I tolerate the highs and try to use it to my advantage.

Great News!

After years of struggling, jumping through hoops, waiting in lines, and dismal failures, my son Kyle got medication! My wife has been taking him through a series of assistance appointments for several years. You miss one appointment and you're back to square one. The process is so frustrating, and so intimidating, and so daunting, that he never was able to make it through. Finally today after having someone criticize Kyle for a paperwork mistake another aid worker made that would set them back several months, my wife broke down in tears. They finally saw the hell he'd been through in trying to get assistance. The person stepped up and went to bat for Kyle, and got him in for a psych eval and other med work that same day.

He just called me, and was excited. He felt really good about the appointment, and they prescribed him Lamictal and Seroquel! I never thought he'd be prescribed Lamictal through the public assistance process because of the cost. He knows how well it's working for me, and he's excited about the future.

I'm so happy for him, I'm almost in tears right now.

Bad Weekend Experience

Had a pretty bad experience over the weekend. Because my agreement with Health Central precludes me from double posting content, I'll leave a link:
Mania and Rage

The moment you think things are going well and you're in control, bipolar disorder can slap your ass right back down to the ground. The disorder likes to make it abundantly clear who is REALLY in charge. All we can do is try to keep our demons happy, so they don't take control.

What Kind of Soul Am I?

I hate these things, but after seeing this on half a dozen other blogs thought I'd take the test out of curiosity. I had no intention of publishing this, but the result was so interesting I couldn't resist.

This was me 10 years ago - pre-diagnosis and treatment. This test nailed it, right down to my wife's personality as a "Peacemaker". I really don't think this captures my true personality these days, my current hypomania has probably temporarily pushed me that direction again.

You Are a Hunter Soul

You are driven and ambitious - totally self motivated to succeed. Actively working to achieve what you want, you are skillful in many areas. You are a natural predator with strong instincts ... and more than a little demanding. You are creative, energetic, and an extremely powerful force. An outdoors person, you like animals and relate to them better than people. You tend to have an explosive personality, but also a good sense of humor. People sometimes see you as arrogant or a know it all. You tend to be a bit of a loner, though you hate to be alone. Souls you are most compatible with: Seeker Soul and Peacemaker Soul

What Kind of Soul Are You?