Self Realization

First, I feel better than I have in the last few months. I am SO glad my SAD finally lifted.

I originally started this post with an apology to my blogging friends for not getting around to your blogs, not commenting, and not being a good friend. Then I stopped and realized it's who I am, that I'm not capable of being that kind of friend, and probably never will be. I can't take on other's problems when I can't handle my own. It's this way even with my wife, when she gets sick or depressed, I just can't handle it. To a lesser degree she's the same with me, when I've been in a bad way I've pushed her away in the past. She's gotten conditioned to rejection and nastiness. I'm a good-time friend, I'm a great motivator, I can make people feel welcome, I can make people feel good about themselves, I will try to remember your name and use it whenever I see you. I'm a lot of good things, but I'm not a hard-times friend. Not that I'm allowing myself to escape working on this part of my personality, but it's liberating to understand that this isn't a failure, it's the way I am.

Edited:
That last paragraph didn't sound good. I want friends, I just can't be a good friend in every scenario. I read about people who get offended when their friends aren't supportive enough, or aren't there for them, or don't understand their disorder. That's asking a lot of a friend, in my opinion. I expect nothing from my friends that I can't provide. Honesty and basic integrity is all I seek in a friend. That and a decent taste in music, or let me pick the tunes when we're together...

Had a pdoc appointment yesterday, and he talked me into crossing a bridge I wasn't comfortable in crossing. After 2 years of him suggesting, I finally agreed to Lithium. He suggested 600 mg, I asked for half of that, and he agreed. He says there's a synergistic effect with Lamictal, he called it "Lamithium". I also finally admitted my role as a blogger, and writer for HealthCentral. I was worried he might think I was living my diagnosis, and to be honest I thought I might be. But after a few years I realize that's not the case, I'm living with it in the way that works for me.

I'm glad to have this outlet, whether or not I'm able to be a nurturing part of the community.

Great Week

The last week or so has been pretty decent. Not perfect, mind you, I've been bouncing around like that stereotypical yo yo. Yesterday's rant about pay-for-blogging illustrates the mania just under the surface. Which is funny, as my energy level is pretty low right now, so I would be expecting depression before mania. But they are more closely related, at least for me, than others would imagine.

Speaking about pay-for-blogging, I have decided to go a different route for my blog. Instead of ad words, or those services that you have to actually write about (Refinances - everyone approved!), I'm going to add one of those donate buttons. You know the ones, the "blogger beggar" buttons. Mine is going to be for a donation to "The Human Fund - Money For People". Watch for it.

Last week I went with Kyle to see a show, it was a father's day gift for me. We saw a band called "Indigenous" in a smaller club setting. This is a hard-rocking blues band, and these guys tore it up. The guitar player's name is Mato, and in this style of music there hasn't been a guitar player this good since Stevie Ray Vaughan. Mato is incredible. This ranked as one of the top five shows I've ever seen.

Tomorrow night my wife, Kyle, and I go to see Robert Randolph And The Family Band. If you have never seen these guys you owe it to yourself to see them at least once before you die. There has never been a more high-energy, harder playing, talented, and fun band. Ever. At any time. Bold talk? See them and find out.

For those in the US, have an enjoyable and safe Independance Day, and don't lose sight of the reason for the holiday.

Workout Music

This is an interactive post, so everyone get ready to jump in with a comment here.

I want great workout music. Songs that get you moving, that raise your heartrate, that will move you to run or bike that extra mile. And not just for workouts, music that will motivate us to cut grass, clean the house, keep us awake at work, and so forth. I want a variety of music, across all genres.

So lay a few of your favorites on me. Let's put together a playlist of workout music we can all draw on.

Update:
Here's my current workout playlist, it leans heavily to Americana. I need more variety:

Shame, Shame, Shame	Aerosmith
Stop Messin Around	Aerosmith
Dollar In My Pocket	Big House
Whatever Happened To My ...	Black Rebel Motorcycle Club
Green Onions	Buchanan, Roy
Supernova	Buchanan, Roy
100 Flower Power Maximum	Cracker
Get Off This	Cracker
I Ride My Bike	Cracker
Let's Go For A Ride	Cracker
Movie Star	Cracker
Highway Star	Deep Purple
LA Woman	Doors
Killing Floor	Electric Flag
Soul Searchin'	Electric Flag
Castanets	Escovedo, Alejandro
Would I Lie To You	Eurythmics
Gangsta Trippin	Fatboy Slim
The Rockafeller Skank	Fatboy Slim
Weapon of Choice	Fatboy Slim
Pay the Alligator	Flatlanders
Track 8	Ford, Robben
East to the West	Franti, Michael & Spearhead
Hello Bonjour	Franti, Michael & Spearhead
Yell Fire	Franti, Michael & Spearhead
Feel Good Inc.	Gorillaz
Midnight Train	Guy, Buddy
Please Don't Drive Me Away	Guy, Buddy
Circle Back	Hiatt, John
Everybody Went Low	Hiatt, John
How Bad's The Coffee?	Hiatt, John
Rock Back Billy	Hiatt, John
Slow Turning	Hiatt, John
Something Wild	Hiatt, John
Tennessee Plates	Hiatt, John
Uncommon Connection	Hiatt, John
Mony Mony	Idol, Billy
Rebel Yell	Idol, Billy
Begin To Wonder	Indigenous
Blues This Morning	Indigenous
Movin' On	Indigenous
Shame Shame Shame	Indigenous
You Turn My World Around	Indigenous
Are You Gonna Be My Girl	Jet
Take It Or Leave It	Jet
Bawitdaba	Kid Rock
Devil Without A Cause	Kid Rock
Forever (Album Version)	Kid Rock
Fuck Off	Kid Rock
I'm A Dog	Kid Rock
Somebody's Gotta Feel This	Kid Rock
Hell At Home	Landreth, Sonny
The Road We're On	Landreth, Sonny
Feel Like I Do	Lindell, Eric
Lazy Days	Lindell, Eric
Battle Flags	Lo Fidelity All Stars
Don't Worry Baby	Los Lobos
Senorita	Los Lonely Boys
Too Much Stuff (With Delbert McClinton & John Prine)	Lovett, Lyle
Get Your Business Straight	Magic Slim & The Teardrops
I'm A Bluesman	Magic Slim & The Teardrops
Safe From Harm	Massive Attack
Choctaw Bingo	McMurtry, James
God Is A Real Estate Developer	Michelle Shocked
Bleeding Heart Show	New Pornographers
Sing Me Spanish Techno	New Pornographers
Star Bodies	New Pornographers
Twin Cinemas	New Pornographers
Shake 'Em on Down	North Mississippi Allstars
Can't Stop	Ozomatli
Saturday Night	Ozomatli
Crackity Jones	Pixies
Tame	Pixies
Good Times (3 Stroke)	Randolph, Robert & The Family Band
I Need More Love	Randolph, Robert & The Family Band
Squeeze	Randolph, Robert & The Family Band
I'll Fly Away	Randolph, Robert, North Mississippi Allstars, John Medeski
Preacher's Daughter	Refreshments
The Girl Can't Help It	Refreshments
She'll Be So Fine	Roomful Of Blues
Filthy/Gorgeous	Scissor Sisters
Music Is The Victim	Scissor Sisters
Get out of Denver	Seger, Bob
Crosstown Traffic (Feat. Robert Randolph)	Soulive
Liquored Up And Lacquered	Southern Culture on the Skids
The Great Atomic Power	Southern Culture on the Skids
All The Time In The World	Subdudes
Late At Night	Subdudes
My Kickass Life	SuperSuckers
The Evil Powers of Rock & Roll	Supersuckers
Gin in the Morning	Thackery, Jimmy
Detroit Iron	Thackery, Jimmy & The Drivers
I'll Believe In You (Or I'll Be Leaving You Tonight)	Tragically Hip
The Wherewithal	Tragically Hip
Look at Little Sister	Vaughan, Stevie Ray
Pride And joy	Vaughan, Stevie Ray
Scuttle Buttin'	Vaughan, Stevie Ray
The House Is Rockin'	Vaughan, Stevie Ray
Baby Please Don't Go	Wilder, Webb
Tough It Out	Wilder, Webb
Divin' Duck Blues	Winter, Johnny
Hustled Down in Texas	Winter, Johnny
Rock Me Baby	Winter, Johnny
Rollin' and Tumblin'	Winter, Johnny
See See Baby	Winter, Johnny
The Crawl	Winter, Johnny
I Wish	Wonder, Stevie
Me And My Bass Guitar	Wooten, Victor
Disorder in the House	Zevon, Warren
Long Time Coming	Zutons

Friday Shorts

I’ve had a rash of hits on the search string "Depaquel". Law and Order must have rerun the episode where they mention this fictional drug. Depaquel is not, to my knowledge, a legitimate medication. The writers most likely got the name from Depakote, and Seroquel, both medications used to treat bipolar disorder.

My current hypomania is hanging in there, and that’s a very good thing. SAD (seasonal affective disorder) could kick in at any time. Every summer depression rolls in and stays until fall. SAD normally impacts people in winter, but there is a small population that gets it in summer. It hasn’t always been this way for me, I’m writing a post for BipolarConnect about this. This yearly pattern is how I was eventually diagnosed. Every summer my wife talked me into seeing the doc about my depression. He always prescribed an anti-depressant, as I expected him to do, and after a few months I always got manic. I finally made the doc listen, and told him the antidepressants weren’t working for me the way that we expected them to work, and we needed to consider bipolar disorder. I knew I had it, but he couldn’t see how I could live into my forties without being diagnosed. But anyway, my next pdoc appointment is in early July, I hope the slide doesn’t start before then. I’m going to ask for an antidepressant, I know they can be taken when another bipolar medication is also being taken.

My last post was a music post, Emmylou Harris doing that haunting story "Red Dirt Girl". I hadn’t heard it for years, and when I heard it a few days ago it struck a chord and I shared it. Today I heard it again on KPIG.com. A coincidence? Is a higher power trying to give me a message? Maybe I’m just being reminded to buy my tickets to a show she’s doing in my area later this summer…

Speaking of KPIG.com, their program director and on-air personality Laura Ellen died the other day. KPIG is a California radio station, and a long way from the heartland where I was born, raised, and continue to live. But Laura Ellen always took the time to answer my emails, and was genuinely interested in the shows we got in my area, the artists who played, and the quality of the performances. KPIG is one of the most unique radio stations in the world. They are a commercial station, but are independent, and play a wonderful variety of music ranging from hard rock to hayseed. Check them out for a delightful change-of-pace. When you do, remember Laura Ellen for making that musical treasure possible.

An email flash just came in:
I earn my living in the telemarketing industry, many of you know that and choose to be friends anyway. I’m not actually the person who calls, my accent is too Midwest for that. I work in IS, working on the technical side of the business. But we just received instructions to block all calls to Alabama on Monday, Jefferson Davis’ birthday. Evidently it’s a state holiday. Jefferson Davis was the only president the Confederacy had, from 1861 to 1865, during the civil war. He believed that corruption had destroyed the old Union and that the Confederacy had to be pure to survive. Can someone from south of the Mason-Dixon line convince me that this holiday doesn’t have racial overtones?

For those readers not living in the US, I apologize for all the US geographic references in this post.

I could ramble on forever, but that’s enough for today. Everyone have a great weekend, and let’s be careful out there!

Red Dirt Girl

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I ran across this song again today, I hadn't heard it for years. I listened with an ear more knowledgeable about depression. A moving, insightful song. Emmylou quite obviously sings with first hand knowledge.

...But one thing they don't tell you about the blues when you got em
You keep on falling cause there ain't no bottom
There ain't no end.
At least not for Lillian...

Another Song

I'm loving this embedded music stuff, so I'm going to indulge myself again.

After 2 slower, subtle, introspective songs, it's time for in-your-face.

"Cracker" is one of my favorite bands, and "Kerosene Hat" is probably my favorite Cracker album. You'd all recognize songs off the album, "Low", "Get Off This", and "Euro-Trash Girl" are well known. This song is anything but subtle, and it's what I need today to kickstart myself back into the mainstream.

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Catching Up

I'm home sick today with stomach flu. It's been over 10 years since I've had this stuff, and I hope it's at LEAST another 10.

Somebody asked me about posting songs in blogger, like I did a few posts ago. It's pretty simple, but takes another membership.

Mog.com is a music blog that allows you to upload songs or videos. It's a free account, and an interesting community. Very easy to signup and navigate. You upload your mp3, and it embeds a player in your post. You then click "Share" in your post, and it gives you the code you can paste into Blogger. Pretty simple.

Today I'll share another one of my favorites. Another slower, insightful song by one of my favorite singer-songwriters named Paul Thorn. If you're a baby-boomer this song may just strike a chord with you like it did with me.

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Embedded Music

I found a way to embed mp3 files. So instead of just posting lyrics I can post complete music files.

Not that this has anything to do with bipolar, but I heard this the other night and just had to buy it. It's an obscure song, only appearing on an album of otherwise unreleased songs called "Rarities". Bright Eyes is from my hometown, and when they come back you can find them playing very small venues in town. That's kind of cool, to have a world-class band playing in a small club or bar.

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Lyrics Blogging

I've said many times that music for me is that art of choice, that thing that brings me pleasure no matter my mood.

I often gravitate towards music that has a bipolar aspect, or tortured musician aspect, or song subjects that indicate bipolar or other mental disorder. I love Billie Holliday, Janis Joplin, Charlie Parker, Hank Williams Sr, Kurt Cobain, and similar musicians. I dig songs that have a bipolar theme.

One of my favorite singer / songwriters is a guy named Dave Alvin. Dave has done it all, was a major innovator of rockabilly music in the late seventies and eighties, played with one of the earliest and most influential US punk bands in the eighties, and has written and played virtually every musical genre since then. Dave recorded a song a few years ago that captures a bipolar frame of mind. It’s called “Out Of Control”.

I suppose this clicks as all my life I’ve been a little “out of control”. Pushing the limits, living recklessly, not caring that at any time a misstep could bring the world crashing down. I’ve thrown away opportunities, missed fortunes due to stupid decisions, and been lucky to have walked the tightrope and made it to where I am today.

In honor of that, here’s the lyrics to Dave’s song “Out Of Control”.

Dave Alvin
Out Of Control
Album: Ashgrove
(Blue Horn Toad Music, BMI)

I scored some speed in San Berdino
So me and baby could get a little bump
And now she’s in that motel room
Puttin’ on a show for some chump
Yeah, well baby’s gotta make a livin’
And I don’t mind waitin’ out in the car
‘Cause I got some nine millimeter muscle
In case things go too far.

You know I try to take it easy man
And just go with the flow
But sometimes things can get a little bit
Out of control.

Well my old man worked his whole life
In the Kaiser steel slag pit
And I worked there for awhile back when I was a kid
But I got tired of all their shit
But that was years ago man
Before they tore that Fontana plant down
And my old man smoked himself
Into a six-foot hole in the ground.

And I got the same bad habit
And it’ll probably take its toll
But sometimes it’s the only thing that keeps me
From goin’ out of control.

Well my ex-wife’s workin’ evenings
At a Sizzler makin’ minimum wage
And she’s cleanin’ up other people’s houses
Every day just like some slave
She’s livin’ with the kids in a mobile home
Just off the 60 freeway
Some nights I go to see her
And sometimes she lets me stay.

Since she found Jesus
She’s always tryin’ to save my soul
Yeah but every now and then she still likes to get
A little out of control.

I used to work a little construction
But I never got along with my boss
So I do a little import/export
Makin’ enough just to cover my costs
And I’m losin’ my hair and I’m losin’ my teeth
But I’m tryin’ to keep my grip
And live to see one more day
Without makin’ any stupid slips.

You know I could have played the game man
And just done what I was told
But I guess I was born just a little bit
Out of control.

When baby gets done in there I’m gonna
Take her for a little ride
Cruise up into the mountains
Park the car and get a little high
‘Cause baby likes to look at the shootin’ stars
And make wishes as they fly by
And I like lookin’ down at the city
From way up there in the sky.

Then I pull baby close to me
When it starts gettin’ cold
Close my eyes for a little while and let the world
Spin out of control.

A Few Updates

A few family updates.

My oldest son graduated from college in August, and has been looking for a job since then. He just found one, and is very excited. It’s in a city about 2 hours away, so it’s not so far that we can’t see him regularly. In fact, if you look at the heartland of the US, there are 2 major cities 150 miles or so apart. We’re in one, and he’ll be in the other. He found out yesterday, and starts Monday. He has some friends he’ll be living with, so he’ll be throwing stuff in the trunk of his car and leaving in a few days.

Then to Kyle, our 22 year bipolar son. Kind of a long complicated story leading up to this, I wrote about it on my BipolarConnect blog, I’ll post a link when they finally publish it. But the bottom line, we haven’t heard from him in several days, and neither has his girlfriend. Life got too overwhelming, and he took off. The irony is, what overwhelmed him was the prospect of not having to worry about anything.

Mardi Gras comes to the heartland! When the band The Iguanas comes to our area the wife and I never miss them. They are one of New Orleans most popular bands, and they are always a lot of fun. Here it is Fat Tuesday, the peak of Mardi Gras, and The Iguanas are in our area for a Mardi Gras party and show! Woo-hoo! I’ve already told the boss I’ll be late tomorrow.

Friday Shorts

You can file this under BFD if you like…
Leave a comment and I’ll link to your blog. If it has some relevance and connection to bipolar or other mental disorder, and is moderately interesting, I’d be happy to add the link and visit regularly. Don’t think this is coercion to get return links, I don’t care much about that. If you are a blogspot blogger, I’ll follow your profile to find your blog. Otherwise, you may need to leave me your URL.

On a related note…
I started using Bloggrolling for my links. Blogrolling is a free online service that stores your links. You sign up for an account, you decide on your categories or groups, and you add your links to the appropriate category. They even give you the code to add to your blog. You add a button to your browser toolbar (they tell you how to do it), and then you can add a link by simply clicking the button on your browser toolbar. One click to add a link to your blog! Ya gotta love it.

Speaking of notes...
Some albums I've recently come across, that are highly recommended. They're not new releases, but new to me.

North Mississippi Allstars, Robert Randolph, John Medeski - "The Word".
An incredible mix of gospel, R&B, rock, and blues. No vocals to interfere with the jams, and some incredible string-bending guitar playing.

Michael Franti & Spearhead - "Yell Fire".
Hip Hop meets reggae. Unique and very hip.

The New Pornographers – “Twin Cinema”.
I worked out to this CD today, and it was great workout music. Energetic without being heavy. Not headbanger stuff.

Speaking of headbanger stuff...
Expert Ties Ex-Player’s Suicide to Brain Damage

Since the former National Football League player Andre Waters killed himself in November, an explanation for his suicide has remained a mystery. But after examining remains of Mr. Waters’s brain, a neuropathologist in Pittsburgh is claiming that Mr. Waters had sustained brain damage from playing football and he says that led to his depression and ultimate death.

An excellent, and disturbing, article.

Enough odds and ends for today, I hope everyone has a great weekend!

Friday Shorts

Friday shorts:

I don’t know about you all, but it has NOT felt like a short week.

This site really looks like garbage in Internet Explorer. It looks MUCH better in Firefox. I may have to undertake a redesign. Might as well upgrade to the new blogger and do it then.

The wife and I work out every morning – getting up at 5:00 AM every day to put an hour or more in at the health club. It’s been 3 weeks, and I’m disappointed that I’ve actually put weight ON, rather than taken it off. And my weight training is going backwards – I’m actually able to lift less every day. Because of this, we cut our weight training back to 2 days a week instead of 3 to give more recovery time. Hopefully this will be a positive mood.

Our youngest boy turned 19 yesterday, we’re taking him to dinner tonight at one of our town’s old-school Italian restaurants. Many larger towns have one, a very nice restaurant in an older part of town with reasonable prices and incredible food. But this particular restaurant is closing soon. In our general area we have casino gambling, and as much as people enjoy it, the casinos have wreaked havoc with locally owned businesses. The proponents of gambling choose to ignore this, but it’s pretty much indisputable. Very sad that one of our town’s landmark restaurants can’t survive in today’s world.

I sometimes feel much like the Alzheimer’s patient who, when asked about living with the illness says, “it certainly makes every day a new adventure!”

Finally, a very bright spot this morning. I find out that our favorite band is stopping in our area soon. The Iguanas hail from New Orleans, and are one of that town’s favorite party bands. They play a mix of Latin, Cajun, and good old roots rock. Karen and I see them every time they’re in our area, and dance our tails off. You can’t imagine a gray haired 40 something dancing his tail off? You haven’t heard The Iguanas. Their upcoming schedule is taking them to St. Paul, Madison, Berwyn, IL, Council Bluffs, IA, Preston, CT, and Winnipeg. If they’re coming anywhere close to you, see them!

Have a great weekend, all!