Psych Central Headlines

Was reading headlines from PsychCentral, and for some reason they hit my warped sense of humor this morning.

Marital Bliss Calms Stress
Well duh! Is there anything or anybody that can cause you more stress than your spouse?

1st-time Moms at Risk for Mental Disorders
Just think – some research spent thousands of dollars of grant money on this. Is there a mom in the world who didn’t suffer anxiety, depression, irritability, mood swings, and much more upon the birth of their first child?

More Educated, More Memory Loss When Old
This makes me laugh. Doesn’t it stand to reason that the less educated have less to lose?

Procrastination Research Finally Finished
I think I’ll actually read this article tomorrow.

Women with Migraines at Risk for Depression
Have you ever had a migraine? It's enough to make you pray for decapitation.

Youngest Drinkers at Risk When Adults
This is kind of a no-brainer isn't it? If a kid starts drinking at 14, he's bound to have issues as an adult.

In Misery

I'm going to self-indulgently complain a little.

I wrote earlier that my wife and I have been working out daily for the last several weeks. It has been fantastic. My wife suffers occasionally from depression, and she says it has totally gone since we started working out. I have felt great also.

Saturday I was jogging on a treadmill, and had my iPod drop onto the treadmill. It shot out the back, of course. This flustered me, and I tried to jump off, but forgot to turn off the treadmill. I lost my balance and fell with all my weight onto the end of the handle pole, which caught me just under my ribs. I took a few minutes to catch my breath, and finished my workout. But I knew what was coming, as I had injured my ribs in the past.

If you've never done it, you have no idea. The pain is incredible. Luckily, it's only when you move, so I can work more-or-less pain free. But sleeping is hell, due to the way it distributes the weight. I have to take a sleeping pill and find a pain free position and not move until it kicks in. When I get up in the morning, it's the worst.

But tomorrow I'm going to try to work out again, at least I may be able to walk, and maybe I can find some weight machines that don't strain this area. Although I'm told it will be 6 seeks or so before I'm pain free.

Update / Redesign Complete

I updated my site to the New Blogger (formerly blogger beta) the other day, and tonight I converted to one of the new Blogger templates, completing the conversion. I really took my time, backing up everything, setting up a test blog, and testing every change as I went along. I'm a tinkerer, and love getting into the code and making changes. These new templates severely limit what you can do directly to the code. But this being said, I still like it a lot. And it even looks good in BOTH Internet Explorer and Firefox.

Also, I converted my links to Blogrolling. My main links, my "resources" links, even the Bipolar Planet Web Ring links. I haven't fully explored all the Blogrolling features, but it makes it much easier to maintain links.

Now, time to turn my attention to the Ohio State and Florida game. I don't care much for Ohio State, but I HATE all Florida teams, so GO BUCKEYES!

Wish Me Luck

Converting to the new blogger right after this post. I'll have to do it sometime, and I have time today.

Wish me luck.

Update:

I'd heard so many horror stories, I was concerned. But it's done, without issue (that I've seen yet). It still looks terrible in Internet Explorer, though. I'm about due for a full redesign.

Update 2:
It made many of my commenters "anonymous". I wonder if it only recognizes those who have upgraded to the new blogger? Also, I don't see profile images in the comments any more.

NPR Story

This Monday (January 8, 2007) on NPR's Morning Edition is a story on the politics of mental health.

Most people with private health insurance don't find out until it's too late that they don't have adequate coverage if someone becomes seriously mentally ill. For decades Congress has tried to pass legislation to force insurers to pay more. We'll look at the politics of the mental health parity bill.

If you miss it, after the show I'll post a link where you can hear it.

Update:
It wasn't an earthshattering story, but it was very worthwile listening just to hear the history, to know what is being done to pass it, and why.

Here is where you can listen to the story:
Advocates Renew Push for Mental Health 'Parity' Bill

Friday Shorts

Friday shorts:

I don’t know about you all, but it has NOT felt like a short week.

This site really looks like garbage in Internet Explorer. It looks MUCH better in Firefox. I may have to undertake a redesign. Might as well upgrade to the new blogger and do it then.

The wife and I work out every morning – getting up at 5:00 AM every day to put an hour or more in at the health club. It’s been 3 weeks, and I’m disappointed that I’ve actually put weight ON, rather than taken it off. And my weight training is going backwards – I’m actually able to lift less every day. Because of this, we cut our weight training back to 2 days a week instead of 3 to give more recovery time. Hopefully this will be a positive mood.

Our youngest boy turned 19 yesterday, we’re taking him to dinner tonight at one of our town’s old-school Italian restaurants. Many larger towns have one, a very nice restaurant in an older part of town with reasonable prices and incredible food. But this particular restaurant is closing soon. In our general area we have casino gambling, and as much as people enjoy it, the casinos have wreaked havoc with locally owned businesses. The proponents of gambling choose to ignore this, but it’s pretty much indisputable. Very sad that one of our town’s landmark restaurants can’t survive in today’s world.

I sometimes feel much like the Alzheimer’s patient who, when asked about living with the illness says, “it certainly makes every day a new adventure!”

Finally, a very bright spot this morning. I find out that our favorite band is stopping in our area soon. The Iguanas hail from New Orleans, and are one of that town’s favorite party bands. They play a mix of Latin, Cajun, and good old roots rock. Karen and I see them every time they’re in our area, and dance our tails off. You can’t imagine a gray haired 40 something dancing his tail off? You haven’t heard The Iguanas. Their upcoming schedule is taking them to St. Paul, Madison, Berwyn, IL, Council Bluffs, IA, Preston, CT, and Winnipeg. If they’re coming anywhere close to you, see them!

Have a great weekend, all!

I'm Very Surprised

Most everyone may know this, but it really surprised me.

ANNENBERG STUDY FINDS THAT THE PRINT PRESS INACCURATELY SUGGESTS SUICIDES RISE DURING THE HOLIDAYS

Suicide is a serious public health problem accounting for between .4 and .9% of the deaths in the U.S. The CDC also report that in the population at large it is the eighth leading cause of death; but among adolescents, the third leading cause. In l998, 30,551 Americans took their own lives.

In the most recent year for which detailed national data are available (1996), the chart below indicates that November and December rank the lowest in the number of daily suicides. Spring and Fall are by the far the riskiest seasons for suicides in the US. Although research indicates that suicides may increase for a brief period after New Years day, January still remains one of lowest months for suicide risk in the US.

This shows the highs in spring and fall, which many of us who suffer from seasonal depression have experienced. And while suicide at any time is a tragedy, I am surprised, and pleased, to see this information.

Times Article

I LOVE this!

The Graying of Naughty

From The NY Times:

DE’BELLA — or Debbie, as everybody calls her — decided late in life to become a porn star. This year she turned 50, time, she knew, to chase her dream.

“I love sex,” she explained, biting into a Burger King special before embarking on her scene for the day at a rented house in the San Fernando Valley. She was wearing a bright pink satin and black chiffon nightie with a matching thong and heavy makeup.

“I decided I wanted to do something different,” she said. “I’d been working behind the scenes, and my friends said: ‘Why not do movies? Have some fun, and get paid for it?’ ”

So she has. Since May, De’Bella (she did not want her real name published) has used days off from her job as an administrative assistant at a sex-related entertainment company, Platinum X, to shoot about 30 scenes, with men mostly 19 and 20 year old.

Not that I'm a porn fan, but I love that a 50 year old can be a porn star.

New Jon

Throughout the Christmas celebration, there was some ribbing of “The Old Man” (me), about “New Dad” or “New Jon”. There would be a story told about something that happened at a previous Christmas that set me off, and we’d joke “that was ‘Old Dad’”. Or my wife would tell me she was amazed something didn’t bother me, and I’d tell her it was because “New Jon” was there. And it really was a HUGE difference. The family wasn’t on eggshells worrying about setting me off. Of course they didn’t completely let their guard down, I could see a little hesitation at times, or incredulity about certain situations where I didn’t flinch. But it made for a very pleasant holiday.

I can’t begin to express how this “balance” is improving my quality of life, and that of those around me.

I Can Hear

My bipolar disorder has always leaned towards the hypomanic side. Since finally finding some stability, my wife pointed out something that she considers one of the most priceless benefits of my "recovery". I can finally hear. I can look my children in the eye, and hear what they are telling me. I have the patience to listen, and to find what they are telling me important enough to remember.

Believe me, it wasn't always this way. The past was somewhat of a maniacal blur.

Christmas List

What I want for Christmas

1. To be a better Christian
2. To be a better husband and father
3. To be a better employee
4. For my kids, I don’t care about “success”, or wealth, or possessions. I wish them nothing but good health and happiness.
5. For all my friends and peers out there, good health, peace of mind, and happiness.
6. For the religious right, and people in general, to re-discover compassion
7. For an end to our kids coming home from overseas in pieces, or worse, in boxes.
8. Wisdom for our leaders, that they may make the best decisions on our behalf
9. For the wisdom to know when things are good
10. And while I'm at it, a suitcase of small, unmarked bills would be OK, too.

Blogs and Blog Changes

I am SUCH a bipolar...

I get hypomanic, and start a project. I've got a million uncompleted projects floating around out there. I've also got a million great ideas, but no perceived ability to bring them to fruition.

I'm particularly susceptible to internet projects. Web hosting. Web design. Programming. Writing. Blogging. Here's a list of my current blogs. There's a lot more that I've abandoned:

1. This one (Living With A Purple Dog)
2. Bipolar Support was my first blog, my wife and I started it to chronicle a son's life with bipolar disorder.
3. The "blog" I have with Health Central's Bipolar Connect site isn't really a blog, as they approve all content, and comments.
4. I started a blog about being a product of the seventies. It was fun to write, but pretty useless as blogs go.
5. The X-Ring Blog. The X-Ring is a site where I store a lot of miscellaneous stuff, including a series of stories I'm trying to sell. In a previous life, the wife and I owned a bait, tackle, and archery store, and we came away with a LOT of stories. Totally broke, but with LOT'S of stories.

I started The X-Ring Blog as a creative outlet, but then lost that round of hypomania, and my creativity. I got some motivation back with my current hypomania, but I started posting things I felt passionate about, rather than what the site should represent. So I'm going to update that blog less frequently than I have, and start updating this more often, but with less focused material. If something interests me, I'm posting it, bipolar disorder theme or not.

So, let's see how long this lasts. At least through the hypomania I'm in now...

Early Christmas

Never a dull moment at home in our house.

I got home from work last night, poured myself a rum and diet Coke, and started cleaning the kitchen. With kids home from college all day, that kitchen is ALWAYS a mess. I don’t usually drink after work, but it sounded good last night. After a few minutes, my wife comes home with one of the kids.

My wife has a way of making an entrance at home. Never anywhere else, she’s absolutely not a person who craves attention, but when she gets home, you know it. She bursts into the house, my 8 year old daughter bounding up the steps ahead of her. They’re both bubbling with enthusiasm, clapping their hands and exclaiming how excited they were. My wife asked if I wanted my present right away. Before I could answer…

Another part of the “Purple Dog” contingent bursts into the house. They’ve been at another daughter’s 6th grade basketball game. 2 sons, a girlfriend, and my 11 year old daughter. They were all talking at the same time telling stories about the debacle that masqueraded as a basketball game. For the story on the basketball debacle, click here.

My wife grabs my arm and tells me we’re going someplace. I resist, telling her I’m enjoying my drink and listening to the debacle stories. Insisting, she says she’s driving, and not taking no for an answer. Irritated, I freshen my drink, and since I wasn’t driving took it with me. We drove a few minutes, and she pulled into the parking lot of a large health club a few minutes from home. Merry Christmas! she exclaimed as she pulls me inside.

I’ve been really worried about my health, and the long-term health consequences of my medication. I’m putting on weight, and I’m terrified that I’ll hit retirement and die or be incapacitated before I can enjoy it. We’ve been talking lately about buying exercise equipment or joining a health club, but there’s always other uses for the money.

When it comes to a health club, there is nothing more intimidating than that first time in the door. I joined a club once through work, and for the year I paid my fees I never once walked in that door. Well my wife pulled me in, and took me right to the membership consultant she had worked with. I’m feeling the effects of 2 tall rum and cokes, trying not to breathe on this lady, and she gives us a tour.

This place is great. It has it all, including a café with healthy foods. And the best part? Many of the people there are in no better shape than the wife and I. It was a great atmosphere. And with both of us joining, we’ll encourage each other and be more likely to stick with it.

Watch out world, I’ll be the studliest 40 plus around by the end of 2007.

Med Perfection

I never cease to be fascinated with psych meds. I have a full blown hypomania going, but my head hasn’t joined the party. For the last 2 days it’s like my body is ready to run a marathon, but my head keeps things moving at a normal pace. It’s a curious feeling. No anxiety, no irritability. No desire to self-medicate. I feel pretty good, all things considered. I suppose this means my meds are pretty close to being right.

Cool.

Checking In

Thanks to all for your comments and emails. I'm doing OK, feeling OK, and things could certainly be worse right now.

For a little more explanation on why I'm not updating this blog much, there are a couple of reasons. First, I don't like defining myself as a person with bipolar disorder. I don't want to be your bipolar friend Jon, I want to be your friend Jon.

Next, I'm getting my blogging fix a few different ways. I still have the Health Central gig, my blog is located here: http://blogs.healthcentral.com/bipolar/gjs-bipolar-blog/. It's a different environment, it's not blogging, I submit articles, they review them, and if suitable, they publish. Also, I do not have access to comments. They review comments, if suitable they publish them. If I respond to your comments, I leave my responses the same way you all leave comments. But that's all OK, it's a good organization to work for.

I've also begun blogging on a site I've had for several years, The X-Ring (http://blog.xring.us). I don't make my bipolar disorder known on that site, so while I sometimes write about mental issues, I don't acknowledge my own bipolar disorder. I've been accumulating stories for a book for several years, it will be a collection of short stories called "From The Baitshop". I publish excerpts of stories on the blog, and this helps motivate me to continue the stories.

Now a question for you all. I located a site that sells very inexpensive generic drugs without a script. I'm thinking if they are legit I can afford to pay for meds for my son Kyle out of my pocket. That way he can get stable enough to hold a job, which will give him insurance. Then he can take over himself. Here's the site I'm looking at:
http://www.life-pharmacy.com/generics/generic_lamictal.html

If anyone has experience with this, or a similar, offshore pharmacy please let me know by comment or email.

Stepping Away

Hey all,

I will be stepping away from blogging about bipolar disorder for a while, and maybe completely. I’m to the point where I really feel the need to stop defining myself in this way. Of course I say this now and the next crisis that hits I may be right back here looking for the support only this community can give.

This is a remarkable community, and I don’t want to step away completely. The support I’ve gotten here, and the friendships I’ve formed have been wonderful, maybe even life-saving. I don’t want to lose that, and will continue making rounds of blogs from time to time. So please don’t take my silence as a bad thing, or as a lack of caring for the people in this community. I don’t want to lose those friendships, even though I won’t be in contact as often.

I hope to be able to continue blogging and writing, so far I still am not able - the ideas and motivation aren't back yet. When they do return, I started a blog on a hobby site I have, The X-Ring, which is located at http://xring.us . This is a site where I store my writings, and am accumulating material for a book. I’m not a technically competent writer, but it’s my enjoyment and therapy.

Happiness and good health to all.

The Innocent Man

John Grisham has written his first work of non-fiction, a tragic tale
of a man with bipolar disorder who's sentenced to death row for a
crime he didn't commit.

You can hear an interview with him and read an excerpt at NPR:
Grisham Traces Exoneration of an 'Innocent Man'

This really disturbs me, as the bipolar disorder community is so
vulnerable to things like this.

Where Is The Yardstick

Once I went down the road of beginning treatment, I forever lost my yardstick, or ability to really determine how well I am.

Before beginning treatment, I had a baseline. I knew what was a "normal" day, and could base the good and bad days from there. Granted, many of the days, normal or otherwise, were obscured by self medication. But self medication didn't last forever and those affects went away and left me at my "normal" baseline again.

Right now I'm so fucked up I don't know what's good or bad. I can barely remember how I felt yesterday, let alone how I felt un-medicated. Increase the dosage of this med, stop that one, start another one. Yesterday I woke up feeling better than I had for MANY months. Today I'm in a funky cloud. Depression, lethargy, irritability. The bouncing around makes it difficult to do a job. Makes it difficult to relate to the family. Makes it difficult to live.

And, unfortunately, it may never change. I'll likely never be off meds. And one med begets another. You start fixing the problem with one med using another. And fix a problem with that one by using yet another. As my body adjusts to the medication it becomes less effective, so I go with larger doses or something different. Before long I'm worried my hands will be trembling, I won't be able to work, and will need 8 or 10 pills to make it through the day.

Fucking depression. Fucking bipolar disorder Fucking society where I feel the need to become a round peg.

Don't Know What Is Going On

It's been a while since I've made rounds of blogs, and I truly hope everyone is OK. Please try to understand when I say I just can't do it.

I'm trying to understand what is going on in my head, and I'm not doing well. I spent the month of August in a deep depression. I thought I worked my way out of that one, but I'm not so sure. I am not in a crippling depression like I was, but I can't write, and I have no interest in much of anything. I started a new job in late August, and I haven't been able to really grab hold and sieze this opportunity. I'm getting by, but I want to be excelling. I am getting crippling bouts of OCD, which I've NEVER had before. That is making it difficult for me to do my new job. I can't return personal emails, I can't even bring myself to read what I've blogged, let alone read anyone else's.

2 weeks ago I contacted my Pdoc about all of this. Remember the new job? Old insurance gone, new insurance trying to get established, so no coverage. I talked them into samples of Lamictal to tide me over until I got my new coverage. I had to cancel an appointment until everything got set up anew. But the doc told me I should have called earlier, he might think about upping my dosage of Lamictal. I reminded him of no prescription coverage right now. He asked about my Risperdal, I told him I thought it was making things worse. He told me to continue anyway. I told him I had some Seroquel around, and he told me to start on that until we got together again. That has helped with the anxiety and irritability that hit me so hard during the depression, but I'm left without any motivation at all.

So, I'm left wondering if I'm still in a depression, or if my meds are doing this to me. Avoidance is the over-riding theme right now. Avoid writing, avoid reading, avoid contact. Avoid everything but eating and TV.

This is starting to worry me...

No Great Genius...

No great genius has ever existed without some touch of madness.
- Aristotle