Bad Weekend Experience

Had a pretty bad experience over the weekend. Because my agreement with Health Central precludes me from double posting content, I'll leave a link:
Mania and Rage

The moment you think things are going well and you're in control, bipolar disorder can slap your ass right back down to the ground. The disorder likes to make it abundantly clear who is REALLY in charge. All we can do is try to keep our demons happy, so they don't take control.

What Kind of Soul Am I?

I hate these things, but after seeing this on half a dozen other blogs thought I'd take the test out of curiosity. I had no intention of publishing this, but the result was so interesting I couldn't resist.

This was me 10 years ago - pre-diagnosis and treatment. This test nailed it, right down to my wife's personality as a "Peacemaker". I really don't think this captures my true personality these days, my current hypomania has probably temporarily pushed me that direction again.

You Are a Hunter Soul

You are driven and ambitious - totally self motivated to succeed. Actively working to achieve what you want, you are skillful in many areas. You are a natural predator with strong instincts ... and more than a little demanding. You are creative, energetic, and an extremely powerful force. An outdoors person, you like animals and relate to them better than people. You tend to have an explosive personality, but also a good sense of humor. People sometimes see you as arrogant or a know it all. You tend to be a bit of a loner, though you hate to be alone. Souls you are most compatible with: Seeker Soul and Peacemaker Soul

What Kind of Soul Are You?

Night Owl Behavior Harmful to Preteens

Night Owl Behavior Harmful to Preteens - Psych Central News

An interesting article. I have 5 children, and have seen this behavior in some of them. Kyle was the worst about going to bed. When Kyle was a pre-teen my wife worked nights. I made sure I put him to bed every night, but when my wife got home at 2:00 AM, Kyle was waiting up for her, fully awake, every night. I don't know if this was a contributer to, or a result of, his bipolar disorder.

I now see this behavior in my oldest daughter, now 12. I don't think she has bipolar disorder, she's entirely different from Kyle at that age, but these sleep patterns still bother me.

Damn War

My 19 year old son’s best friend joined the Air Force right out of high school. He was promised a mechanic’s slot, which is his career goal. He made a choice between trade school and the service, feeling the education he got in the service would be superior to trade school. The sonsabitches yanked his mechanic job and made him an MP. He just got orders – while he can’t officially acknowledge it, he’ll be accompanying truck convoys from Kuwait to Iraq.

Fuckers.

The Personality Test

A company I interviewed with a week ago contacted me yesterday and asked me to take a personality profile test. What are you going to say? "Thanks for allowing me to take this next step!" These things are useless for me. My results change from day to day, and even from hour to hour. Could anyone with bipolar disorder take one of these consistently? Just once, wouldn't it be fun to ask which personality they want me to use?

Antidepressants Not A Suicide Risk?

Antidepressants Not A Suicide Risk - Psych Central News

We hear people scream about the dangers of SSRI's, then this. So which is it?

Question For Discussion

Do my peers with bipolar disorder intend to spend the rest of your lives on medication? Or do you live with hope that perhaps through a combination of self awareness, coping techniques, and therapy you might someday be able to live life drug free?

Great Week

The last week or so has been pretty decent. Not perfect, mind you, I've been bouncing around like that stereotypical yo yo. Yesterday's rant about pay-for-blogging illustrates the mania just under the surface. Which is funny, as my energy level is pretty low right now, so I would be expecting depression before mania. But they are more closely related, at least for me, than others would imagine.

Speaking about pay-for-blogging, I have decided to go a different route for my blog. Instead of ad words, or those services that you have to actually write about (Refinances - everyone approved!), I'm going to add one of those donate buttons. You know the ones, the "blogger beggar" buttons. Mine is going to be for a donation to "The Human Fund - Money For People". Watch for it.

Last week I went with Kyle to see a show, it was a father's day gift for me. We saw a band called "Indigenous" in a smaller club setting. This is a hard-rocking blues band, and these guys tore it up. The guitar player's name is Mato, and in this style of music there hasn't been a guitar player this good since Stevie Ray Vaughan. Mato is incredible. This ranked as one of the top five shows I've ever seen.

Tomorrow night my wife, Kyle, and I go to see Robert Randolph And The Family Band. If you have never seen these guys you owe it to yourself to see them at least once before you die. There has never been a more high-energy, harder playing, talented, and fun band. Ever. At any time. Bold talk? See them and find out.

For those in the US, have an enjoyable and safe Independance Day, and don't lose sight of the reason for the holiday.

Retraction

Sorry folks, I have retracted my last post about pay-for-blogging. Even though I promise I was not singling out any particular blog, I know people would take it that way. So if I've offended anyone, please know it was not directed at anyone in particular. Like so many things in life, we have different needs and objectives - what I get from my personal blog is not what someone else seeks from blogging.

Death Penalty for Schizophrenic Murderer Blocked

Death Penalty for Delusional Murderer Blocked - New York Times

HOUSTON, June 28 — Enforcing its edict against execution of the insane, a split United States Supreme Court today overturned the death sentence of a delusional Texas murderer who insisted he was being punished for preaching the gospel.

In a sharp rebuke to lower courts, the justices ruled 5 to 4 that the defendant, Scott Louis Panetti, was not shown to possess sufficient understanding of why he was to be put to death for gunning down his wife’s parents in 1992...

In a harsh dissent, Justice Clarence Thomas called the ruling "a half-baked holding that leaves the details of the insanity standard for the District Court to work out." He was joined in the minority by Chief Justice John G. Roberts Jr. and Justices Antonin Scalia, and Samuel A. Alito Jr...

In an interview with The New York Times last November, Mr. Panetti, clutching verses from scripture, declared, "The devil has been trying to rub me out to keep me from preaching." Until restrained by a guard, he started to strip off his prison uniform to show scars from burns he said were inflicted by demons and healed by President John F. Kennedy with coconut milk after the sinking of his torpedo boat in World War II.

Folks, this is scary. Even for Texas it's obvious this guy shouldn't be executed. Look at the vote - a 5 to 4 vote with the dissents coming entirely from the conservative side.

We often don't fully realize the long-term impact a president can have. The nominations of radically conservative justices almost allowed this man to die. It would have been a criminal act, and as Americans in our system we would all have been complicit in his death.

Get active. Be an advocate. Demand compassion and tolerance in our elected officials and their appointees. As individuals we CAN make a difference.

The Right Stuff

I don't usually get political, but couldn't resist this. This next generation seems to have the "Right Stuff".

From the Omaha World Herald:

When a group of the country's brightest young people visited the White House this week, President Bush talked about how important it is to make hard choices, to step up and lead.

The young scholars couldn't have agreed more.

One stepped right up and handed the president a folded piece of paper.

It was a handwritten letter signed by 50 of the scholars, urging the president to stop human rights violations relating to detainees such as those held at Guantánamo Bay.

"If nothing else, it was an opportunity to show the president that we had taken to heart what he said about conviction and making the tough decisions," said one of the presidential scholars who signed the letter.

From MSNBC:

The handwritten letter said the students "believe we have a responsibility to voice our convictions."

"We do not want America to represent torture. We urge you to do all in your power to stop violations of the human rights of detainees, to cease illegal renditions, and to apply the Geneva Convention to all detainees, including those designated enemy combatants," the letter said.

CBS Ad

Was halfway watching the TV show "Without A Trace" tonight, and an ad came on about Bipolar Disorder. Mark Harmon is doing a public service announcement for cbs_cares.com and says it takes an average of 10 years to diagnosis bipolar disorder. He says that's 10 years of needless suffering.

Here's a link:
http://www.cbs.com/cbs_cares/depression/bipolar.shtml

A tasteful ad, I was glad to see it.

Tuesday Shorts

This is a departure, I usually do Friday Shorts. But I didn’t have much to say Friday.

Yesterday was a difficult day. First, so much excitement Sunday night with the kids home for Father’s Day, I had a hard time falling asleep. Normally half an Ambien knocks me out. But last night I was up every 45 minutes, taking half an Ambien each time. I think it was after 2 when I took my last one, and 4 or so before I finally fell asleep. I slept through my workout, and at 7:00 AM when Karen finally woke me I was really dizzy. I stumbled off to work, and finally about lunch time I was doing a little better.

Then here at work we find out a coworker was killed in a water related accident over the weekend. She was the sweetest girl, between her and her husband they had several children. A very bad atmosphere around here. Isn’t it funny that even though I didn’t know her that well, I’m still affected by it. I can’t stop myself from imagining the fear that must have been felt by her and the pain of her family.

But a positive note – Kyle has moved back in with us! We were so worried about him where he was living. One of their roommates was violent, and their next door neighbor liked to shoot up his house with a gun. The neighbor OD’d the other day, but the roommate is still as violent as ever. I’m glad they’re out of that environment. Kyle now has computer access again at our house, so he will probably be reading this. Leave a comment and say hello to him!

Speaking of Kyle, he gave me a Father’s Day card that was the funniest thing I’ve seen in years. A very large man standing in sand, water behind him. He’s holding a huge fish. No caption on the front, but you open the card and it says…
“I was looking for an appropriately sentimental card, but kept coming back to the fat guy holding the big fish. Happy Fathers Day!”

I received a call this morning to set up an interview for a job I applied for last week. I’m a little surprised, the first interview is with the HR person and an executive VP. Granted, it’s a smaller organization, but they must really be motivated to bring in a VP on the initial interview. I’m going to need to swing by the Bipolar and Me blog for a refresher. Kansas Sunflower is a professional recruiter by trade. In amongst the other stuff on her blog, she has some great tips for job hunters.

Well, back to work. I’m going to have to really work at stability for the next few days. I’m out of my routine, I missed workouts the last 2 days, I’ve been sleeping very little, then the tragedy at work. This scenario has depression written all over it.

This Isn't So Bad

When rapid cycling brings me back to this level, life is very good indeed.

Workout Music

This is an interactive post, so everyone get ready to jump in with a comment here.

I want great workout music. Songs that get you moving, that raise your heartrate, that will move you to run or bike that extra mile. And not just for workouts, music that will motivate us to cut grass, clean the house, keep us awake at work, and so forth. I want a variety of music, across all genres.

So lay a few of your favorites on me. Let's put together a playlist of workout music we can all draw on.

Update:
Here's my current workout playlist, it leans heavily to Americana. I need more variety:

Shame, Shame, Shame	Aerosmith
Stop Messin Around	Aerosmith
Dollar In My Pocket	Big House
Whatever Happened To My ...	Black Rebel Motorcycle Club
Green Onions	Buchanan, Roy
Supernova	Buchanan, Roy
100 Flower Power Maximum	Cracker
Get Off This	Cracker
I Ride My Bike	Cracker
Let's Go For A Ride	Cracker
Movie Star	Cracker
Highway Star	Deep Purple
LA Woman	Doors
Killing Floor	Electric Flag
Soul Searchin'	Electric Flag
Castanets	Escovedo, Alejandro
Would I Lie To You	Eurythmics
Gangsta Trippin	Fatboy Slim
The Rockafeller Skank	Fatboy Slim
Weapon of Choice	Fatboy Slim
Pay the Alligator	Flatlanders
Track 8	Ford, Robben
East to the West	Franti, Michael & Spearhead
Hello Bonjour	Franti, Michael & Spearhead
Yell Fire	Franti, Michael & Spearhead
Feel Good Inc.	Gorillaz
Midnight Train	Guy, Buddy
Please Don't Drive Me Away	Guy, Buddy
Circle Back	Hiatt, John
Everybody Went Low	Hiatt, John
How Bad's The Coffee?	Hiatt, John
Rock Back Billy	Hiatt, John
Slow Turning	Hiatt, John
Something Wild	Hiatt, John
Tennessee Plates	Hiatt, John
Uncommon Connection	Hiatt, John
Mony Mony	Idol, Billy
Rebel Yell	Idol, Billy
Begin To Wonder	Indigenous
Blues This Morning	Indigenous
Movin' On	Indigenous
Shame Shame Shame	Indigenous
You Turn My World Around	Indigenous
Are You Gonna Be My Girl	Jet
Take It Or Leave It	Jet
Bawitdaba	Kid Rock
Devil Without A Cause	Kid Rock
Forever (Album Version)	Kid Rock
Fuck Off	Kid Rock
I'm A Dog	Kid Rock
Somebody's Gotta Feel This	Kid Rock
Hell At Home	Landreth, Sonny
The Road We're On	Landreth, Sonny
Feel Like I Do	Lindell, Eric
Lazy Days	Lindell, Eric
Battle Flags	Lo Fidelity All Stars
Don't Worry Baby	Los Lobos
Senorita	Los Lonely Boys
Too Much Stuff (With Delbert McClinton & John Prine)	Lovett, Lyle
Get Your Business Straight	Magic Slim & The Teardrops
I'm A Bluesman	Magic Slim & The Teardrops
Safe From Harm	Massive Attack
Choctaw Bingo	McMurtry, James
God Is A Real Estate Developer	Michelle Shocked
Bleeding Heart Show	New Pornographers
Sing Me Spanish Techno	New Pornographers
Star Bodies	New Pornographers
Twin Cinemas	New Pornographers
Shake 'Em on Down	North Mississippi Allstars
Can't Stop	Ozomatli
Saturday Night	Ozomatli
Crackity Jones	Pixies
Tame	Pixies
Good Times (3 Stroke)	Randolph, Robert & The Family Band
I Need More Love	Randolph, Robert & The Family Band
Squeeze	Randolph, Robert & The Family Band
I'll Fly Away	Randolph, Robert, North Mississippi Allstars, John Medeski
Preacher's Daughter	Refreshments
The Girl Can't Help It	Refreshments
She'll Be So Fine	Roomful Of Blues
Filthy/Gorgeous	Scissor Sisters
Music Is The Victim	Scissor Sisters
Get out of Denver	Seger, Bob
Crosstown Traffic (Feat. Robert Randolph)	Soulive
Liquored Up And Lacquered	Southern Culture on the Skids
The Great Atomic Power	Southern Culture on the Skids
All The Time In The World	Subdudes
Late At Night	Subdudes
My Kickass Life	SuperSuckers
The Evil Powers of Rock & Roll	Supersuckers
Gin in the Morning	Thackery, Jimmy
Detroit Iron	Thackery, Jimmy & The Drivers
I'll Believe In You (Or I'll Be Leaving You Tonight)	Tragically Hip
The Wherewithal	Tragically Hip
Look at Little Sister	Vaughan, Stevie Ray
Pride And joy	Vaughan, Stevie Ray
Scuttle Buttin'	Vaughan, Stevie Ray
The House Is Rockin'	Vaughan, Stevie Ray
Baby Please Don't Go	Wilder, Webb
Tough It Out	Wilder, Webb
Divin' Duck Blues	Winter, Johnny
Hustled Down in Texas	Winter, Johnny
Rock Me Baby	Winter, Johnny
Rollin' and Tumblin'	Winter, Johnny
See See Baby	Winter, Johnny
The Crawl	Winter, Johnny
I Wish	Wonder, Stevie
Me And My Bass Guitar	Wooten, Victor
Disorder in the House	Zevon, Warren
Long Time Coming	Zutons

Normal?

OK, I’ve never experienced anything like this. In the last 3 days I’ve been manic, depressed, and today I’m great. No depression, leaning slightly towards hypomania, but not significantly so. I just feel great. Refreshed, clear head, ready to take on the day.

I’m completely convinced this “yo-yo effect” is due to lowering the daily dosage of Lamictal, my primary maintenance med. About 2 weeks ago I called my pDoc worried about recent memory loss. He recommended lowering the dosage of Lamictal from 200 to 150 mg daily, which I’ve done.

Lamictal is so innocuous, it doesn’t have any kind of narcotic effect, doesn’t cause drowsiness, weight gain, or any side effects I’ve experienced. It works slowly, taking months to really make a noticeable impact to mood. If you don’t get the dreaded Lamictal rash, you won’t even know you’re taking it. But make a significant change in dosage and you’ll experience the deceptively powerful impact of this drug. It’s really pretty scary.

Depression?

This HAS to be the result of lowering my med dosage. I woke up this morning and could barely drag myself out of bed. I dragged myself to the gym in order to not impact my routine too much (routine = healthy, lack of routine = trouble), but could hardly do anything. It dawned on me that a depression was setting in.

Can you believe this? From true mania to depression in 2 days. Let's roll the dice and see what tomorrow brings. As fast as my moods have been changing I'll bet my next paycheck it's not depression. I've always cycled rapidly, but this is ridiculous.

Looking Up

The life of a rapid-cycler can be a godsend as often as it is a bitch. While things are not perfect, in fact not even good, they’re not half as bad as yesterday. I went home, applied for 2 new jobs online since my job is a source of anxiety lately, and was in bed by 10. This morning I began my normal routine again, and routine is a HUGE part of keeping me stable.

I’m wondering if part of yesterday’s huge spike was due to lowering my Lamictal dosage about 10 days ago. In order to see if it was a factor in recent memory loss I lowered dosage from 200 to 150 mg daily. This had to be a contributing factor.

In honor of the occasion I’ve changed yesterday’s “crash and burn Calvin” to today’s plain “manic Calvin”.

Thanks to all for your concern, emails, and comments.

True Mania

It’s here, and I’m scared. For me, a true mania is as bad as it gets. Thoughts racing, irritability and anxiety levels through the roof, the littlest thing has me wanting to put my fist through the monitor. I’m not suicidal, but for me nothing brings on self-harm ideation like mania. I have to figure out how to relax and get back into a safe routine. Right now I want to crawl into a bottle of Seroquel and stay there until my mind slows down to a semi-normal level.

Friday Shorts

I’ve had a rash of hits on the search string "Depaquel". Law and Order must have rerun the episode where they mention this fictional drug. Depaquel is not, to my knowledge, a legitimate medication. The writers most likely got the name from Depakote, and Seroquel, both medications used to treat bipolar disorder.

My current hypomania is hanging in there, and that’s a very good thing. SAD (seasonal affective disorder) could kick in at any time. Every summer depression rolls in and stays until fall. SAD normally impacts people in winter, but there is a small population that gets it in summer. It hasn’t always been this way for me, I’m writing a post for BipolarConnect about this. This yearly pattern is how I was eventually diagnosed. Every summer my wife talked me into seeing the doc about my depression. He always prescribed an anti-depressant, as I expected him to do, and after a few months I always got manic. I finally made the doc listen, and told him the antidepressants weren’t working for me the way that we expected them to work, and we needed to consider bipolar disorder. I knew I had it, but he couldn’t see how I could live into my forties without being diagnosed. But anyway, my next pdoc appointment is in early July, I hope the slide doesn’t start before then. I’m going to ask for an antidepressant, I know they can be taken when another bipolar medication is also being taken.

My last post was a music post, Emmylou Harris doing that haunting story "Red Dirt Girl". I hadn’t heard it for years, and when I heard it a few days ago it struck a chord and I shared it. Today I heard it again on KPIG.com. A coincidence? Is a higher power trying to give me a message? Maybe I’m just being reminded to buy my tickets to a show she’s doing in my area later this summer…

Speaking of KPIG.com, their program director and on-air personality Laura Ellen died the other day. KPIG is a California radio station, and a long way from the heartland where I was born, raised, and continue to live. But Laura Ellen always took the time to answer my emails, and was genuinely interested in the shows we got in my area, the artists who played, and the quality of the performances. KPIG is one of the most unique radio stations in the world. They are a commercial station, but are independent, and play a wonderful variety of music ranging from hard rock to hayseed. Check them out for a delightful change-of-pace. When you do, remember Laura Ellen for making that musical treasure possible.

An email flash just came in:
I earn my living in the telemarketing industry, many of you know that and choose to be friends anyway. I’m not actually the person who calls, my accent is too Midwest for that. I work in IS, working on the technical side of the business. But we just received instructions to block all calls to Alabama on Monday, Jefferson Davis’ birthday. Evidently it’s a state holiday. Jefferson Davis was the only president the Confederacy had, from 1861 to 1865, during the civil war. He believed that corruption had destroyed the old Union and that the Confederacy had to be pure to survive. Can someone from south of the Mason-Dixon line convince me that this holiday doesn’t have racial overtones?

For those readers not living in the US, I apologize for all the US geographic references in this post.

I could ramble on forever, but that’s enough for today. Everyone have a great weekend, and let’s be careful out there!