Current Stresses

First of all, apologies for this post. It’s not the kind of self-indulgent whining I like to do. Another clue, count the number of times the word “I” is used. A dead giveaway of hypo or even full mania. It’s times like this it becomes SO obvious that I’m just not right.

This summer has been a blur. I have accomplished NOTHING. I don’t know if it’s my meds or a progression of illness, but it’s been awful. I have done almost none of the things that bring me pleasure all summer long. I have not fished, except for a single camping trip. I have not taken the bicycle out of the garage all summer. I have not walked, have not done yard work, haven’t even been able to clean the garage. I’ve done NOTHING. And because I haven’t been able to keep up on even minor cleaning and maintenance, I feel so much like a failure. My yard is full of weeds, my house is filled with junk, and I react to it by getting either manic or depressed, both of which are equally crippling for me.

My wife’s mother had a stroke and moved in with us several months ago. She just recently acknowledged that it’s time to sell her house and move on. So this week my wife has been working with her siblings to get the house cleaned out and ready to sell. They’re cleaning out 40+ years of accumulation. Her mom is taking it well, better than I would. Can you imagine accumulating stuff your entire life then watching it all get tossed in a dumpster? This has been a very stressful time for everyone.

Then, I start a new job this week. I’ve been with my current employer for 7 years and just took a new position with a competitor. It happened so quickly, and I feel so impetuous for doing things this way. I took this job as a contract with option to hire. I took it without knowing the benefits package, how much the end employer will offer me when (and if) they hire me, and without knowing exactly what I will be doing. All I know is the interview “clicked”, and 2 hours later my recruiter was calling me with an offer.

So I have a HUGE life change happening with the new job. They wife has relatives in town. The house looks like shit because I’m not capable of taking care of it right now. The wife let someone into our bedroom to use the bathroom in there. I’m working on that master bedroom bathroom (have been for 3 years) so it’s a mess, no bathroom door, tools and clutter everywhere. And she let’s someone in there. That triggered an instant mania. In a HUGE way. She knew it would happen, and she did it anyway. It’s her way of punishing me for not being more supportive of what she is going through with her mother. We had her relatives over for dinner, but I wanted to crawl under a rock and die. Or leave, start driving and never look back. Or drive off a bridge. But I couldn’t, to do so would graphically illustrate the imbalance I’ve tried my entire life to hide. So I suck it up and try to maintain.

It’s times like these that I just want to say “fuck it” and leave everything behind. All the stresses. All the clutter. All the baggage. All the shit that causes so much pain. All the stuff going on in my brain. But I won’t. I’ll suck it in, choke it down, and move on. I don’t have to like it, though.

Bipolarconnect Message Boards

Hey all:

Most regular readers know my main blog is now at Bipolarconnect.com. At bipolarconnect.com there are some message boards or forums. These message boards are one of the first stops by many people who are just coming to the realization they have bipolar disorder. They are often in crisis and the pain in their posts is plain to see.

If anyone has any time on their hands jump on over and lend some encouraging words to some of these folks. There are only a couple of us that are trying to keep up the spirits of these folks, and I'm lucky if I can put an hour a week into those boards. If anyone else can lend an encouraging word I think it would mean a lot to some of these people.

Bipolarconnect.com does make you register to use the forums, but that's not a big deal, if you're concerned about it, give a screen name instead of a real name.

Thanks to anyone who can jump in with a postitive word or two.

Suicide Hotline To Shut Down

An email alert from Nami.org.

1-800-SUICIDE Hotline Set to Shut Down on Saturday August 12

August 10, 2006

The nation's largest suicide hotline, 1-800-SUICIDE, is scheduled to go out of service this Saturday, August 12, 2006. There are currently negotiations in progress that may prevent this. However, in the event that these negotiations are not successful, NAMI is issuing this alert to raise public awareness of the alternative for those in need of help.

The alternative number for those in crisis is 1-800-273-TALK. This number will put callers in touch with the federally-funded National Suicide Prevention Lifeline, a service that has been in operation since January, 2005. It functions as a central switchboard to immediately connect callers to virtually the same network of certified, local crisis centers accessed by 1-800-SUICIDE. So callers can receive counseling or emergency services, if needed, close to home.

All calls to the 1-800-273-TALK Lifeline are private and confidential. Confidentiality of personal information and of personal disclosures during calls is a high priority for the parties involved in operating the Lifeline.

The federal Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA) is working with the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline and the entire suicide prevention community to ensure that every call for help during a suicide crisis is answered. Some of the measures being put in place include:

* Ensuring that the entire suicide-prevention community is working the phones and Internet to make sure that all referring agencies know that 1-800-273-TALK is the number to call for suicide intervention.
* Notifying service providers, including directory 411 and 211 operators, that 1-800-SUICIDE is scheduled to go out of service beginning August 12, 2006 and to direct callers to 1-800-273-TALK for help.
* Redirecting callers who call 1-800-SUICIDE to call 1-800-273-TALK through a recording.

As a part of this effort, NAMI will participate in a meeting with SAMHSA and its other partner groups on Friday afternoon, August 11, and we will issue an update afterwards if there is additional information to share.

NAMI urges you to help distribute this alert in your community. Together, we can ensure that every call for help is answered.

Thank you,

Michael J. Fitzpatrick, MSW
Executive Director
NAMI

Bipolar Song Changes

Sitting here, just manic enough that I can't concentrate to do any serious writing, and this pops into my head.

Take the actual lyrics, and substitute the word "bipolar" for cowboy, and what do you get?

Mama don't let your babies grow up to be bipolar
Don't let 'em pick guitars and drive them old trucks
Make 'em be doctors and lawyers and such
Mama don't let your babies grow up to be bipolar
They'll never stay home and they're always alone
Even with someone they love

Bipolars ain't easy to love and they're harder to hold
And they'd rather give you a song then diamonds or gold
Lonestar belt buckles and old faded Levi's each night begins a new day
And if you don't understand him and he don't die young
He'll probly just ride away

Mama don't let your babies grow up to be bipolar
Don't let 'em pick guitars and drive them old trucks
Make 'em be doctors and lawyers and such
Mama don't let your babies grow up to be bipolar
They'll never stay home and they're always alone
Even with someone they love

Bipolars like smoky old pool rooms and clear mountain mornings
Little warm puppies and children and girls of the night
And them that don't know him won't like him
And them that do sometimes won't know how to take him
He ain't wrong he's just different
but his pride won't let him do things to make you think he's right

Mama don't let your babies grow up to be bipolar
Don't let 'em pick guitars and drive them old trucks
Make 'em be doctors and lawyers and such
Mama don't let your babies grow up to be bipolar
They'll never stay home and they're always alone
Even with someone they love

Mama don't let your babies grow up to be bipolar
Don't let 'em pick guitars and drive them old trucks
Make 'em be doctors and lawyers and such…

Hmmm - let's see, what song will we find next?

Apologies

To all my friends out there, a heartfelt apology. For some reason I am currently incapable of relationship building or maintenance. I'd like to get around to your blogs and leave comments. I'd like to return emails. I'd like to pick up the phone and call friends. But I can't, and I don't know why. It's not depression, or not exactly. It's not mania, or not exactly. Kind of a nasty mixed episode that is doing some strange things to me.

Thanks for being understanding.

Friday Shorts

I'm posting this be email, at work I can't access blogger, our "surf Nazis" have blocked the site.  They have also blocked comments – I can't read comments or comment from work.  I know I have comments out there to respond to, but they'll have to wait.

Had a terrible night last night.  Lately I'm not sleeping well, vivid dreams are affecting my sleep.  Most of the dreams are quite uncomfortable.  Last night it was a dream of a rocket launch.  I was at our local airport watching a major rocket launch.  The rocket lifted off, but lifted slowly, and looked like it just didn't have power to make it into space.  It got up a ways, and started to lose velocity.  I'm saying out loud "Oh, this isn't good."  It flew straight for a while, then flew right into the ground and made a huge explosion.   It crashed in a direction that indicated it might have been close to my home, so I tried to get to my vehicle.  But the vehicle was on the airfield, and with the planes taking off and landing I could not get to my vehicle.  Very disturbing.  And yes, the significance of this dream is not lost on me.  A symbol such as a rocket that can't quite make it up, tries hard, and ends up crashing and burning.  Everyone else is coming and going, soaring and landing, and I'm stuck in the grass.  It was a panic type of feeling.  While the crash and burn has not actually happened to me, my meds have taken away enough desire that the rocket wouldn't have even made it to the launch pad.   That's probably the reason for the stuck vehicle.  Oh well, it could be worse – I think – or could it?

My 22 year old bipolar son Kyle got a job!  Great company, a major telecom everyone has heard of.  Good money, full benefits after 30 days, they know about his arrests and everything.  He'll be in the call center – call center work is difficult and draining emotionally and physically.  He's done it before and really didn't like it.  But we have had a discussion that after 30 days he's eligible for full insurance coverage and he needs to get hooked up with a Pdoc IMMEDIATELY once this comes about.  This will begin his meds that will possibly allow him to keep this job through the manic periods that have caused him to walk away from his previous jobs.   So let's hope it works…

A few posts ago I hinted at thoughts of suicide.  Let me set the record straight, as I have family members and kids that read this from time to time, and I don't want them worried.  I also don't want to minimize the process either.

The notion of suicide ideation is common.  In other words, you have thoughts and ideas pertaining to suicide.  Ideation is one thing, implementation is something entirely different.   Ideation is absolutely nothing you can control, and it's actually a good gauge for frame of mind and mental health.  If the thoughts come, you know to watch carefully.  I let my wife know, and I try to stay on top of it.  Recently, I have had days where I've been tortured with racing thoughts, anxiety, irritation, nervous tics and an over-abundance of nervous energy.  Combine this with a lack of sleep so your physical energy level is down.   The ideation was absolutely there.  Then Sage's comment about hospitalization, and I'm thinking how tired I was, how tortured my mind had been recently, and the thought of  being someplace where there were no worries, no responsibility, and where there was relief from my tortured mind was strangely attractive.   But I'm not going anywhere, you can count on it.

How about Rush Limbaugh being nabbed for another prescription drug violation?  Carrying a prescription of Viagra written for someone else.  He's given an ultimatum, and can't abide by the court's orders.  I mean, how hard could it be?  (Rimshot!)

Everyone have a great weekend, and for those in the USA have a great Independence Day!

Musical Shows This Summer

Music is my art of choice. I'm not a musician, not for many years anyway. But music is to me what visual art is to some, or performance art is to others. It's that sensory stimulus that keeps me grounded, that invokes strong emotions, and in general makes life enjoyable.

This summer has been a banner year for musical acts in our remote area, carved out of cornfields in the US heartland. So far this summer I have seen 3 acts that rank in my top 10. A few weeks ago it was Junior Brown. Very twangy country, but this boy could cook on the guitar. He had a custom double-necked guitar he dubbed "Big Red". One neck for regular playing, the other for slide. He was an incredible axe-man.

Next was Bela Fleck and the Flecktones. Such talented musicians, probably the best in the world at their respective instruments. The music is pretty much indescribable, it doesn't fit in any genre. Bluegrass to jazz to classical. Just make it a point to see them if they hit your area.

Tonight it was Dave Alvin. Another musician most have never heard of, but probably America's greatest songwriter, and a very fine musician. He came out of Southern California in the late seventies / early eighties in a band called The Blasters. This band fueled the rock-a-billy craze of the eighties. Then to a punk band called "X". One of the first true punk bands in the states. Since then he has written songs that have been recorded by many HUGE stars. He is a true professional, and put on a show that cooked. The wife and I danced and had a great time. It's a shame that someone of this musical stature and talent is playing dive bars like he played tonight. But the crowd was large, and they gave him a hell of a reception. His band played their hearts out. In the midst of crap like REO Speedwagon and BTO reunion tours, to find an act of this quality for $15 a ticket is like finding treasure.

Camping Trip

The camping trip was great. Very relaxing. Many cigars smoked, a few beers consumed, much chilling ensued.

A PB on fish I was actually trying to catch:



I've caught bigger fish, but on accident, such as snagging them when fishing for other fish, or shooting them with bow and arrow. I don't bowfish much anymore, preferring to pursue the rod and reel approach.

We were in a park that was on the path of the Lewis and Clark voyage, and they had many related exhibits. Here's a son, his girlfriend, and our 2 daughters on a replica Lewis and Clark keelboat:



I could post pictures all day, but it was a great trip, albeit short. The hardest part was coming back home. Then the stress just floods back...

The Battle

You hear about the incredibly high suicide rate among those suffering from bipolar disorder, and you have a hard time comprehending it. Then at some point you realize that you are too tired fighting with this damn disorder and any kind of relief would be a huge welcome.

Don't worry, I'm not particularly suicidal. I don't have time for it...

Why Should This Surprise Me

Pentagon Document Classifies Homosexuality as Mental Disorder

Tuesday, June 20, 2006

WASHINGTON — A Pentagon document classifies homosexuality as a mental disorder, decades after mental health experts abandoned that position.

The document outlines retirement or other discharge policies for service members with physical disabilities, and in a section on defects lists homosexuality alongside mental retardation and personality disorders.

Critics said the reference underscores the Pentagon's failing policies on gays, and adds to a culture that has created uncertainty and insecurity around the treatment of homosexual service members, leading to anti-gay harassment.

Pentagon spokesman Lt. Col. Jeremy M. Martin said the policy document is under review.

The Pentagon has a "don't ask, don't tell" policy that prohibits the military from inquiring about the sex lives of service members but requires discharges of those who openly acknowledge being gay.

The Center for the Study of Sexual Minorities in the Military, at the University of California at Santa Barbara, uncovered the document and pointed to it as further proof that the military deserves failing grades for its treatment of gays.

Nathaniel Frank, senior research fellow at the center, said, "The policy reflects the department's continued misunderstanding of homosexuality and makes it more difficult for gays and lesbians to access mental health services."

The document, called a Defense Department Instruction, was condemned by medical professionals, members of Congress and other experts, including the American Psychiatric Association.

"It is disappointing that certain Department of Defense instructions include homosexuality as a 'mental disorder' more than 30 years after the mental health community recognized that such a classification was a mistake," said Rep. Marty Meehan, D-Mass.

Congress members noted that other Pentagon regulations dealing with mental health do not include homosexuality on any lists of psychological disorders. And in a letter to Defense Secretary Donald H. Rumsfeld on Monday, nine lawmakers asked for a full review of all documents and policies to ensure they reflect that same standard.

"Based on scientific and medical evidence the APA declassified homosexuality as a mental disorder in 1973 — a position shared by all other major health and mental health organizations based on their own review of the science," James H. Scully Jr., head of the psychiatric association, said in a letter to the Defense Department's top doctor earlier this month.

There were 726 military members discharged under the "don't ask, don't tell" policy during the budget year that ended last Sept. 30. That marked the first year since 2001 that the total had increased. The number of discharges had declined each year since it peaked at 1,227 in 2001, and had fallen to 653 in 2004.

SO Fired Up!

Later this week we take our first (and maybe only) camping trip this summer. This is something the family does together, although this year the boys (18, 22, & 23) are not joining us. Or so they say, one or two usually end up joining us for at least one night.

This is the time of year I can absolutely, totally, relax. No worries, no responsibility, just enjoying nature and the family.









On these vacations, we don't do a lot. I fish, which means watching a carp pole, and the kids play, hike, fish, and eat a lot of cookies and smores. I'm so thankful my wife enjoys this also, our enthusiasm fuels the girl's excitement.







How often do you see a young girl so contented, while spending time with the family?









My boys love to fish, and also love to camp. But unfortunately, they are going too many different directions. But even if they join us for a few hours it's worth it - to us and them. Here's my oldest, tall, blonde, college graduated, and enjoying life:






And my youngest boy, tall, dark, high school graduated, and in a hurry to break camp to get home for a date.






And for those of you wondering about our fish, yes, we catch carp and we love it. If you're from Europe or Asia, no further explanation is necessary, and we release them all. If you're from the states and are shaking your head and rolling your eyes, well, you just have to experience it.

We'll post some current pictures when we get back. With a little luck, Kyle will join us also and we'll have pictures of him.

The Week In Review

Hey all - don't forget to visit my bipolar blog at Bipolar-Connection.com. Thanks to all who have read my blog over there and left comments. It's a different format, but it does help me out to know there are people reading that.

Just finished up a particularly difficult week. Mania was sky-high, and it was scary. We're talking full-blown mania, not that hypomania stuff I usually get that I try to pretend is mania. This was BAD. I had a job interview for a job I REALLY want, and didn't do as well as I had hoped. Then I got turned down for a car loan mainly because we had a dental bill that had been reported that we didn't know had been turned over. We thought we were OK with the payments we were making. I was all set to buy one of those boxy little Scions. A ton of room, and 34 mpg. I'm getting like 14 mpg now.

But a high point, the wife and I saw Bela Fleck And The Flecktones tonight in an outside concert. This was one of the best shows I've ever seen. The best musicians you've never heard of. Bela Fleck on banjo, Victor Wooten on bass, a guy named Futureman on percussion, and the horn player's name escapes me. The combination of banjo, saxophone, bass, and electronic percussion is so absurd it's wonderful. Their styles ranged from bebop to fusion jazz to bluegrass. The bass player, Victor Wooten, is probably the best bass player in the world today. He approaches the late Jaco Pastorious as a virtuoso. Bela Fleck on banjo had sounds and styles ranging from twangy bluegrass to an electric banjo that sounded like a rock guitar. And the guy can PLAY. Incredible. If they ever hit your town, they are a MUST SEE.

I won't be updating this blog as often, my bipolar blog gets most of my attention these days. And with the week just finished I haven't been around to the blogs as regularly as I'd like. Sorry to all my friends, I promise to get around more often.

Bipolar-Connection

I have worked out some details, have escaped the depression that had me doubting I could put one foot in front of the other, and have rejoined the team at Bipolar-Connection as a patient blogger. My blog can be found here. I go by GJ, the "J" standing for Jon. Bipolar-Connection is part of the Health Central network.

If everyone who visited here would take the time to check out the new blog and leave their input as comments, that site would become an even better resource. Message boards, accessible experts, and a staff willing to do what it takes to serve the community. I feel blessed to be a part of this team.

I will keep this blog, and will update it from time to time as time allows, but most of my bipolar posts will be at the Bipolar-Connection blog.

So stop by and let me know you're still around, I won't have stats to check traffic anymore. If you're a blogger, be sure to post your blog so I can link back to it.

Fighting Depression

4 coworkers received the "tap on the shoulder" yesterday and were let go, including my closest coworker. This is going to be a real challenge to avoid sliding into a depression.

On the upside, I have a phone interview this morning as an IS business analyst with one of the largest food processing companies in the world. I am hopeful about this one. And I have many resumes out, something will come through shortly.

Outsourcing

Just like the immigration issue, there's been some very hateful things said and written in the name of outsourcing. I'd like to spend a few lines of blog addressing this.

My occupation is in programming, specifically telemarketing programming. If you've ever received a credit card offer in the mail and called the toll free number, there's a good possibility that Indian (or Phillipinian, or Canadian, or ...) phone operator is using a program I wrote. I know, don't hate me. At least it's not as intrusive as outbound telemarketing. The guys that write outbound scripts are in the next aisle...

Within the last year I began training a team of developers in India. Great kids, and they are mostly "kids", I don't have a person over 25 on my team. We've known all along, even though management has denied it, that our jobs will be questionable when these developers are up to speed. We received confirmation Friday that this is indeed happening soon. By the end of the third quarter, they anticipate our on-shore IS staff will be reduced by 70%. So, in effect, we are training our replacements. It's like training a soldier, knowing that when he's learned his job, he's going to turn around and put a bullet in your head.

We have a great IS department, I am the newest person in the organization with 7 years experience. We have improved our processes, our programs, our knowledge. As people have left, we haven't needed to replace them. We just work better and more efficiently. I'm proud of what we've accomplished over the years in a fast moving, fast changing industry. But those processes, those improvements, they really didn't mean anything. The company just silently reaped the benefits.

At this point, I could choose to do many things. I could be angry with the people who would replace me. But it's not their fault. They have become peers, even friends. I chat by messenger with them at all hours of the day and night. I see their wedding pictures, they recognize my kids through pictures. My team lead over there even wears a red turban on Fridays in the fall as a sign of support for my Cornhuskers football team.

I could choose to be angry with my management for allowing this to happen. But they are just carrying out objectives from those above them. Yes, they are selfishly and zealously clinging to their own jobs, but would I not do the same?

I could choose to be angry with the CEO and the top echelon of management for allowing this to happen. And perhaps they could have delayed it a bit, but it's inevitable. We had a high-level smug asshole come out from "Corporate" and talk to us recently about "The Transformation" as they call it. We pointed out that already the gains to be realized in India are shrinking, the playing field is leveling. He responded that he knew that, and that's why the company has already established a presence in China. While his job may not be in immediate jeopardy, it's not his fault either. If it wasn't him as an axe-man, someone else would be there to do it.

So where does the problem lie? And is there really a problem?

We pointed out that the staff in India was not yet fully trained. The exec that was fielding questions responded that it didn't really matter, because knowing the gains that were awaiting this transformation, the stockholders were pushing.

Boom. It sunk in. That was the answer. This is all in the name of stock prices. To the shareholders individual wealth is more important than the welfare of the country's citizens.

Now I'm not saying I don't agree with the capitalistic concept. I was a business major, and it was pounded into me. To think otherwise would be to embrace socialism, and the pure "evil" it represents. But something is wrong here.

Is the system broken? In the US, what professions are safe? Medical, some education, and certain services are all I can think of. Is there anything else that can't be outsourced? Engineering, consulting, programming - there's almost nothing that can't be done for a cost savings somewhere else in the world.

Is there a solution? As workers do we quickly retool and re-educate to become health care providers? Or should we look for work maintaining the pools and sprinkler systems of the shareholders we used to work for? Maybe that's the reason for the right's opposition to immigration, to keep those jobs available for out of work technical people.

Mike Wallace Speaks About His Depression on 60 Minutes

Just received this press release from http://nami.org

-----------------------------------------------------------------

On Sunday, May 21, 2006, CBS correspondent Mike Wallace will make his last scheduled appearance on the news television show 60 Minutes, broadcast on CBS television stations at 7:00 ET/PT (Check local listings). The show will highlight many parts of Wallace's career, but particularly poignant will be a frank discussion with his colleague Morley Safer about his struggle with depression -- including for the very first time, his attempted suicide.

Wallace has devoted himself to ending the stigma of mental illness and encouraging people to get help when they need it. This broadcast will continue to advance that public education. NAMI thanks him.

For more information, please visit the CBS web site.

I'm Back

I'm back to blogging here. Bipolar-connection is an excellent resource, and the people there are great. But writing about my condition commercially just didn't feel right, and therapeutically it didn't fill my "need". I really wish I didn't feel this way, because it was a very sweet gig...

More details, and a complete post, later.

I've Moved!

My blog has moved! It can be found at Bipolar-Connection, which is part of the Health Central Network. I would very much appreciate if you would adjust your links and bookmarks for the new location. Since Bipolar-Connection already has a "John" - the well known bipolar advocate John McManamy, I am going by my initials, GJ.

Bipolar-Connection has the potential and backing to be a significant resource to those suffering from, or wanting to learn more about, bipolar disorder. I am proud to be associated with this organization, and want to spread the word.

So continue to visit my blog, and while you are there jump over to the message boards and add your input. The amount of knowledge and experience in this ring of bipolar blogs is mind-boggling, and collectively we comprise a huge and valuable resource.

Summer Casino Concerts

I've written so many times about music it must be tiresome. Here's another post about music, kind of...

We have a couple of those dreaded riverboat casinos floating on the river forming the border between our state and the "immoral" neighboring state that allows gambling. I'm not opposed to gambling, I loved the horse races our city used to host for a few months every year. I loved visiting casinos at Lake Tahoe a few years ago. I love a friendly poker game with family or friends. I sometimes play Powerball, and have even bet on a few college football games, with REAL bookies. But I detest local casino gambling in my community. I have never spent a dime gambling, dining, or lodging in one of those damn casinos. My wife put it best, when the casinos first came to our area, we still owned our store. She said "every day of our lives is a gamble. Why do I need another one?"

A couple of years ago one of our casinos started sponsoring outdoors concerts. We're talking some GREAT entertainment in a nice venue. Not too big, it can't hold a thousand people, so it's as intimate as you're going to get outdoors. The first year we saw Indigenous play for $5 a ticket. A great, high-energy blues band that's worth seeing. Last year we saw Robert Randolph and the Family band, the GREATEST live show you will ever experience. Seek them out and see them at any opportunity. We saw Lyle Lovett and his Large Band. We missed Bighead Todd and the Monsters, and Willie Nelson. Every one of these shows was less than $25 a ticket.

In going to these shows, we have to purchase tickets, and, (gasp!) a beer or two. I had thought we'd only give them a few entertainment dollars. But last year we purchased tickets in advance, and twice had to actually enter the hotel to pick up our tickets. The first time, we were in and out, and thought we avoided most of the taint. The second time, well, they gave us lawn chairs. Said it was a bonus to their "good customers" for purchasing tickets early. We kept the chairs. (Hey, back off! They were nice chairs!)

Sigh. We've been sucked into their insidious plan. It's a slow, methodical, breaking down of barriers. Just as certain as that first cigarette will lead to hard drugs, the accepting of those chairs will lead us down the path to a "Preferred Members Platinum Players Card".

All winter long, I've been watching for the release of their summer 2006 concert schedule. Another part of their plan, to get me checking their website every few weeks. But finally today, I see the new schedule.

Jonny Lang
Nickel Creek
Bela Fleck & The Flecktones
Los Lobos
George Thorogood
Dwight Yoakum

Those sneaky casino bastards. I'm on a road to ruin.

There's not a throw-away show in the entire line-up. Some of the most incredible, diverse, and significant music available today. Every show will be an experience, as I've personally seen NONE of these bands or artists in a live show before, unless the PBS show "Austin City Limits" counts.

For at least one of these shows the wife and I will have to get a room so we can have a few drinks, relax, and casually stroll upstairs after the show. Shudder. I've been assimilated into their culture. I feel dirty.

But excited.

Friday Odds and Ends

It was quite a scene at our NAMI meeting last night.  A lady showed up at the meeting, and sat in on the support group for those who care for loved ones with mental disorders.  She had evidently agreed to care for her 25 year old niece who suffers from borderline personality disorder.   This lady had no clue.  She evidently thought that a few months with her and she'd have this young gal shaped up and ready to face the world.  At one point she said that she wasn't aware that she'd be sitting in with "them" and gestured towards the room that held the "consumers", or those suffering from a mental illness.  She said that she raised 3 girls without problems, and she didn't know where this girl got it because HER family didn't suffer from mental illness.  After a while it was bedlam.  It almost evolved into a shouting match.  I had to hold my wife back, and there was a mother of a schizophrenic boy who wanted to tear the lady's head off.  This just shows that some people have absolutely no clue.  I talked to the lady after the meeting – she really needs to return.  This group can do her a lot of good, provided we can keep her alive long enough to benefit from it.

Spring in the heartland.  85 degrees yesterday, tornados last night, in the forties today.  How I envy those of you in the more temperate and stable areas.

I felt really good earlier this week.  Kyle called me for fishing advice.  I felt really bad later, it didn't work.  He didn't catch anything.  I'd really like for him to develop this interest, it's something that could provide a refuge for him throughout his life.

That single 25 mg dose of Seroquel taken earlier this week took over a day before the effects were totally gone.  I don't think I'll be wanting to sleep that badly for a while.

Karen and I were talking this week about her mother.  She is living with us now, recovering from a stroke.  She may be with us permanently.  But Karen was telling about some of her mom's behavior when my wife was a girl.  It sounds like she is also bipolar.  Add this to the obvious bipolar that we have on my side of the family (I am bipolar), and it looks like Kyle caught a full double whammy.  This explains a lot…

Friday night, my favorite night of the week.  I always work my second job on Friday nights, but afterwards Karen and the girls and I go to a local restaurant to eat and unwind.  It's a place that has "bar food",  greasy burgers and chili cheese dogs and fried onion rings and fried cheese sandwiches, and it's REALLY good.  They also have 99 cent longnecks and 99 cent margaritas.  Karen and I both have 2 drinks, never more but sometimes less, and eat unhealthy food.  The girls eat their chicken strips and help themselves to "suicides" at the self serve soda machine.  It's the single thing I look forward to more than anything every week.

I just had a birthday, and a good friend gave me a birthday card.  On the cover it shows George W Bush, a serious expression on his face, and he's holding up 3 fingers.   It says "Heard you're getting older.  Just three words to say about it."
You open the card and it says simply….
"Happy Birthday"


Well, another work week comes to a close.  I hope it was a good one for everyone, and that the weekend is relaxing and rejuvenating to all.