More Paradox

I'm way behind on emails, comments, and phone calls. If I owe you one, I'll catch up soon, I promise.

Yet another feather in the cap of bipolar paradox:
The less sleep I get, the more wired I become.

Cleanup In Aisle...

I'm still struggling to link together multiple thoughts into a cohesive paragraph, but the promise of improvement is there.

This brings up the need for clean-up. I left a lot of things hanging over the last few months, a lot of emails not returned, comments not answered, even bridges burned. Sorry for all that. I'll do what I can to right things, when I can.

The recent lack of sleep gave me time to work on re-orging my web hosting business. It wasn't quality time, in 4 hours I'd get 15 decent minutes of work, but I still got a lot done. The site is still a work-in-progress but it's good enough for launch. For those who don't know, webhosting is providing the server space for a website. Every website needs to be "hosted" on a server. When you see those websites or blogs with their own domain name - mysitename.com, those people made arrangements with a hosting company to host that site. I stopped accepting web hosting customers several years ago, I had as many as I wanted to personally support. Well, I outsourced a lot of my support to people who know a lot more than I, and that means I am able to support more customers. I now have lightening-fast 24/7 support. I'll still personally handle most of the support issues during the day, there's so few of them, but the server techs will handle it outside of that. A win-win. Anyway, if anyone knows someone needing webhosting or design, have them look me up:
Homepagewebs - http://gjx.us

For those who observe Easter may you have a joyous Easter holiday.

Transcendental Blues

In the darkest hour of the longest night
If it was in my power I'd step into the light
Candles on the altar, penny in your shoe
Walk upon the water - transcendental blues.

Happy ever after 'til the day you die
Careful what you ask for, you don't know 'til you try
Hands are in your pockets, starin' at your shoes
Wishin' you could stop it - transcendental blues.

If I had it my way, everything would change
Out here on this highway the rules are still the same
Back roads never carry you where you want 'em to
They leave you standin' there with them ol'
Transcendental Blues.

--Steve Earle

Irish-Envy?

Why the Irish-envy? Violence, bagpipes, terrible food, and warbling-voiced folk singers.

Blech.

Symmetry

Symmetry is not optional.

7 Words To Please A Manic Mind

Shit, piss, fuck, cunt, cocksucker, motherfucker, and... tits.

Something's Not Right

For the last 2 months, at least in the few times I've been able to write, I've talked about how I was on the higher end of the mood spectrum. It started with a slightly elevated feeling about the time I started taking Lithium 3 months ago, and has steadily grown since then. While all the symptoms are intermittant, I'm dizzy, shaky, my heart rate is way up, I get these mini "jolts" or spasms, and insomnia is bad. It's not entirely unpleasant, but my body is coursing with energy, and nervous movement is pronounced and non-stop. But, unlike bipolar hypomania, I have no mental advantage. My mind is struggling to remember anything.

I have no idea what this is, maybe it's a severe mania that the Lithium has knocked down to this level? Maybe it's hyperthyroidism? Lithium toxicity? I'm calling the doc tomorrow, hopefully they can do some quick blood work and get a handle on this.

Checking In

It's been a while, so just checking in.

A strong hypomania, 4 hours of sleep a night for a couple weeks, and high stress can do funny things to a person. In the last few weeks I've done some good things, done some stupid things, but all-in-all the last few weeks could have been MUCH worse.

I just wish I could concentrate on something. Anything.

Charlie Bartlett

A while back I asked if anyone had seen the new movie "Charlie Bartlett". The wife and I saw it last night, our first movie alone in years. We loved it. Hilarious. Very well written, very well acted. Some very dark humor at times, and some very subtle humor at times. If you see it, don't be afraid to laugh.

Score Another For Obama

...Senator Clinton has a fine record. So do I. I'm happy to have a debate on the issues, but what we shouldn't be spending time doing is tearing each other down. We should be spending time lifting the country up."

Damn, this guy's good. Hillary just doesn't get it.

Charlie Bartlett

Has anyone seen the new movie Charlie Bartlett? The trailer shows a rich kid who gets kicked out of one private school after another, and ends up in a rough public school. It looks like he copes by becoming a street psychiatrist, dispensing medication to his peers. Looks very good.

Here's the IMDB link: Charlie Bartlett (2007)

Dear Abby: Pot may harm mental health

www.kansascity.com | 02/14/2008 | Dear Abby: Pot may harm mental health

First of all, I don't use marijuana or condone it's use. But this article is ridiculous. Marijuana use causes mental illness?

Research shows that regular use of marijuana may also lead to mental health problems. Youths who use marijuana weekly have double the risk of depression later in life and are three times more likely than non-users to have suicidal thoughts.

Ya gotta love researchers who can't understand that along with chickens you ALSO have eggs.

This Is Scary

I'm only a year away from being 50 years old. What the hell happened? I still feel like I'm in my early twenties, then I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror, and see my father. I'm not baggin' on my Dad, he's in great shape and I'm proud of him. But that's not supposed to be me.

I used to say my hard living would kill me by the time I hit 60, and that probably would have happened had I not changed. 10 years is a snap of the fingers at this point in my life. I'm working hard to extend my life, 30 plus remaining years is probable now. But it's still sobering knowing that I'm well past the halfway point. Also sobering is knowing that, like it's been all my life, I'm still only a paycheck away from being homeless. The success that I KNEW would come never materialized. Or perhaps it did come, I didn't recognize it, and pissed it away.

On the positive side, I'm not losing everything. But I think it's hilarious irony that when a person gets to the point where they've achieved the ultimate balance of longevity, experience, and skill, their physical attractiveness makes it a moot point.

"Ah, but I was so much older then, I'm younger than that now"

NAMI Volunteer Work

Hey All,

Just found out NAMI is looking for local volunteers in our area, mainly as support group facilitators. I'm thinking of volunteering. Does anyone do this? What are the upsides? Downsides?

Why Beefareeno?

I promised an explanation in an earlier post, so here it is.

First, I didn't like the URL (livingbipolar.blogspot.com) that shoved me into a bipolar pigeonhole. I (obviously) have bipolar disorder, but this doesn't have to be entirely a bipolar blog. So a name change was needed.

Beefareeno is an old Seinfeld expression. Kramer had a gig driving a horse-drawn carriage through the New York Streets. He fed the horse Beefareeno, and it developed a malodorous flatulence that sent his riders running away gagging and retching. Quite appropriate for this blog, wouldn't you say?

Also, there is little in life that can't be enhanced by a Seinfeld quote. When my boys and I get together the quotes fly fast and furious. For example, Kyle gave up coffee for lent. He taped a sign to the coffee maker that said: "Kyle - No coffee for you! Next!"

There's a million quotes and references out there, but I won't go into them right now. I'm too worn out from the bout of Euromysitisis poisoning I just got over...

Document Shows Army Blocked Help for Soldiers - NPR

Document Shows Army Blocked Help for Soldiers

I'm pasting this as-is from the NPR website:

A document from the Department of Veterans Affairs contradicts an assertion made by the Army surgeon general that his office did not tell VA officials to stop helping injured soldiers with their military disability paperwork at a New York Army post.

The paperwork can help determine health care and disability benefits for wounded soldiers.

Last week, NPR first described a meeting last March between an Army team from Washington and VA officials at Fort Drum Army base in upstate New York. NPR reported that Army representatives told the VA not to review the narrative summaries of soldiers' injuries, and that the VA complied with the Army's request.

The day the NPR story aired, Army Surgeon General Eric B. Schoomaker denied parts of the report. Rep. John McHugh (R-NY), who represents the Fort Drum area, told North Country Public Radio, that "The Surgeon General of the Army told me very flatly that it was not the Army that told the VA to stop this help."

Now, NPR has obtained a four-page VA document that contradicts the surgeon general's statement to McHugh. It was written by one of the VA officials at Fort Drum on March 31, the day after the meeting. The document says Col. Becky Baker of the Army Surgeon General's office told the VA to discontinue counseling soldiers on the appropriateness of Defense Department ratings because "there exists a conflict of interest."

So, you serve your country in a war that never should have happened, get injured to the point your life is changed, and the Army tells the VA not to assist in your paperwork? Fuck Bush and his tax cuts. I'd gladly pay more if I knew it was going to help these mentally and physically disabled soldiers.

Welcome to Beefareeno!

Welcome to Beefareeno.com!

This is still "Living With A Purple Dog", but it now uses beefareeno.com as the URL. This is a very cool thing Blogger has come out with. You can keep the ease of use, security, and features of Blogger, but use your own domain name. Blogger continues to host the blog and store the information, it just allows you to incorporate your custom name.

But don't touch that dial! Don't change your bookmarks, or names, or descriptions, or anything else. This all remains the same.

I still have a couple bugs like the banner, but I'll fix that tonight. If anyone else notices any bugs, please let me know.

Why Beefareeno? I'll tell you on the next post.

We Are Experiencing Technical Difficulties

This blog may be up and down while I experiment on domain CName changes. I will be up eventually with the same blog (maybe a minor re-design) and a new URL. But nothing changes, you won't have to change bookmarks, or links, or blogrolls, or anything else. That all stays the same, it will just show a different address in your address bar.

I'll post updates through the process.

Update:
The migration is done to domain gjgregory.com. The only problem so far is the banner is not appearing. I heard that can be an issue with larger images. I just need to move it to an external server and link to it that way.

Now, the final decison - use the domain gjgregory.com, or beefareeno.com. I'll have to kick that around.

Drop This Blog?

Kicking around a lot of thoughts lately. I'm mostly thinking out loud with this post.

I'm spread too thin. I do not have the material for, nor the time, to write two bipolar blogs. I've kept this blog because there are times I want to post things I can't post at BipolarConnect. My posts over there need to be 500+ words, and sometimes I want to post a few sentences, or a paragraph or two. This blog is pretty much only a bipolar disorder blog, given the title and URL of the blog. I'd like to have a place I can post anything, and not define myself as bipolar. It would include bipolar disorder topics, but would not be a blog about bipolar disorder.

Next, a platform. Blogger is easy and secure. Wordpress is flexible and I can keep the database for any kind of future use. I would never lose any posts with Google, but with Wordpress a server crash and you could lose everything.

Finally, where to post. I have 2 domains that could be used. One is a site I've had for years where I've been posting stories and other writings. But that's a site where I'd rather not "come out" with respect to bipolar disorder. Another is a great domain name where I've had a blog in the past.

Decisions, decisions.

If It Wasn't For Ambien...

Here comes another hit and run post.

It's been a long time since I've been tired. If it wasn't for sleeping pills I'd probably go 36 to 48 hours between sleep sessions. Because of this, I NEVER get more than 6 hours of sleep a night, and usually 4 to 5. I've thought about taking Seroquel daily to bring me down a bit, but my memory loss has been significant over the last couple of years and I'm terrified of anything that might further accelerate that loss.

It reminds me of a time in the mid nineties when I went 6 months on no more than 3 hours a night. Things got a little nasty towards the end of that period.

I can't say I'm not enjoying the energy, but I'm a little nervous where this is headed.