The Innocent Man

John Grisham has written his first work of non-fiction, a tragic tale
of a man with bipolar disorder who's sentenced to death row for a
crime he didn't commit.

You can hear an interview with him and read an excerpt at NPR:
Grisham Traces Exoneration of an 'Innocent Man'

This really disturbs me, as the bipolar disorder community is so
vulnerable to things like this.

Where Is The Yardstick

Once I went down the road of beginning treatment, I forever lost my yardstick, or ability to really determine how well I am.

Before beginning treatment, I had a baseline. I knew what was a "normal" day, and could base the good and bad days from there. Granted, many of the days, normal or otherwise, were obscured by self medication. But self medication didn't last forever and those affects went away and left me at my "normal" baseline again.

Right now I'm so fucked up I don't know what's good or bad. I can barely remember how I felt yesterday, let alone how I felt un-medicated. Increase the dosage of this med, stop that one, start another one. Yesterday I woke up feeling better than I had for MANY months. Today I'm in a funky cloud. Depression, lethargy, irritability. The bouncing around makes it difficult to do a job. Makes it difficult to relate to the family. Makes it difficult to live.

And, unfortunately, it may never change. I'll likely never be off meds. And one med begets another. You start fixing the problem with one med using another. And fix a problem with that one by using yet another. As my body adjusts to the medication it becomes less effective, so I go with larger doses or something different. Before long I'm worried my hands will be trembling, I won't be able to work, and will need 8 or 10 pills to make it through the day.

Fucking depression. Fucking bipolar disorder Fucking society where I feel the need to become a round peg.

Don't Know What Is Going On

It's been a while since I've made rounds of blogs, and I truly hope everyone is OK. Please try to understand when I say I just can't do it.

I'm trying to understand what is going on in my head, and I'm not doing well. I spent the month of August in a deep depression. I thought I worked my way out of that one, but I'm not so sure. I am not in a crippling depression like I was, but I can't write, and I have no interest in much of anything. I started a new job in late August, and I haven't been able to really grab hold and sieze this opportunity. I'm getting by, but I want to be excelling. I am getting crippling bouts of OCD, which I've NEVER had before. That is making it difficult for me to do my new job. I can't return personal emails, I can't even bring myself to read what I've blogged, let alone read anyone else's.

2 weeks ago I contacted my Pdoc about all of this. Remember the new job? Old insurance gone, new insurance trying to get established, so no coverage. I talked them into samples of Lamictal to tide me over until I got my new coverage. I had to cancel an appointment until everything got set up anew. But the doc told me I should have called earlier, he might think about upping my dosage of Lamictal. I reminded him of no prescription coverage right now. He asked about my Risperdal, I told him I thought it was making things worse. He told me to continue anyway. I told him I had some Seroquel around, and he told me to start on that until we got together again. That has helped with the anxiety and irritability that hit me so hard during the depression, but I'm left without any motivation at all.

So, I'm left wondering if I'm still in a depression, or if my meds are doing this to me. Avoidance is the over-riding theme right now. Avoid writing, avoid reading, avoid contact. Avoid everything but eating and TV.

This is starting to worry me...