A Positive Place

I woke up this morning, still under the weather with a minor flu that's kept me down for a day and a half, but finally with some creativity and motivation. These days my cycling comes around to give me ideas and energy way too infrequently. I'm excited, and hope to get caught up on blog posts, BipolarConnect shareposts, and making the rounds of other's blogs. I may even get a chapter or two written.

I love it when this frame-of-mind rolls around.

This Isn't So Bad

When rapid cycling brings me back to this level, life is very good indeed.

Normal?

OK, I’ve never experienced anything like this. In the last 3 days I’ve been manic, depressed, and today I’m great. No depression, leaning slightly towards hypomania, but not significantly so. I just feel great. Refreshed, clear head, ready to take on the day.

I’m completely convinced this “yo-yo effect” is due to lowering the daily dosage of Lamictal, my primary maintenance med. About 2 weeks ago I called my pDoc worried about recent memory loss. He recommended lowering the dosage of Lamictal from 200 to 150 mg daily, which I’ve done.

Lamictal is so innocuous, it doesn’t have any kind of narcotic effect, doesn’t cause drowsiness, weight gain, or any side effects I’ve experienced. It works slowly, taking months to really make a noticeable impact to mood. If you don’t get the dreaded Lamictal rash, you won’t even know you’re taking it. But make a significant change in dosage and you’ll experience the deceptively powerful impact of this drug. It’s really pretty scary.

Depression?

This HAS to be the result of lowering my med dosage. I woke up this morning and could barely drag myself out of bed. I dragged myself to the gym in order to not impact my routine too much (routine = healthy, lack of routine = trouble), but could hardly do anything. It dawned on me that a depression was setting in.

Can you believe this? From true mania to depression in 2 days. Let's roll the dice and see what tomorrow brings. As fast as my moods have been changing I'll bet my next paycheck it's not depression. I've always cycled rapidly, but this is ridiculous.

Looking Up

The life of a rapid-cycler can be a godsend as often as it is a bitch. While things are not perfect, in fact not even good, they’re not half as bad as yesterday. I went home, applied for 2 new jobs online since my job is a source of anxiety lately, and was in bed by 10. This morning I began my normal routine again, and routine is a HUGE part of keeping me stable.

I’m wondering if part of yesterday’s huge spike was due to lowering my Lamictal dosage about 10 days ago. In order to see if it was a factor in recent memory loss I lowered dosage from 200 to 150 mg daily. This had to be a contributing factor.

In honor of the occasion I’ve changed yesterday’s “crash and burn Calvin” to today’s plain “manic Calvin”.

Thanks to all for your concern, emails, and comments.

Hypomania Watch

Smilin' Bob says the hypomania is still up!

Friday Shorts

Mom, Interrupted at Mercurial Mind Bipolar Blog talks about forecasting a mood swing by our voice and tone. She hit the nail on the head, based on this a change is coming for me. My wife mentioned it to me last night, I’ve been mouthy and sarcastic. Stay tuned, let’s see where this leads…

On a related note, I’ve left some biting and sarcastic comments on some of your blogs. They are not meant to be critical to the blogger who made the post, sorry if they sound that way.

We bought a new bike for my wife the other day. A very nice fitness/hybrid bike by Gary Fisher/Trek. She’s excited to ride, and it looks like she’ll be able to keep up with us now. For anyone who likes to bike, the difference between a Wal-Mart bike and a bike shop bike is HUGE.

Does anyone know if it’s possible to dynamically order a blogroll by clicks or popularity? Now that I ask this, I hear txandi saying "blog tweaks: as addictive as crystal meth."

I was listening to NPR the other day, actually, I listen to NPR every day, but the other day I heard an interview with a guy that wrote a book about understanding philosophy through jokes. It was one of the funniest things I’ve ever heard. Things like:
"3 ladies were sitting on a park bench. The first lady says "oy!" The second lady says "oy!" The third lady says "enough about the children already."
Or:
"The invisible man walks into a doctor’s office without an appointment. The nurse says ‘The doctor can’t see you now’"
I’ll let you know if the book is as good as I think it will be.

Everyone have a great weekend!

Friday Shorts

Every time I mention my son Kyle, I feel the need to say "my 22 year old bipolar son". Well, it’s time I stop saying that. He’s a pretty special kid, and I don’t want to define him in this manner. I don’t like being defined that way myself. Of course, I’m guilty of putting myself in that box…

My wife talked to Kyle’s girlfriend tonight. They have a good relationship, my wife has a good relationship with everyone. Just be a real person and you’ll connect with my wife. But neither of them has heard from Kyle for a while, and they commiserated a bit. My wife got off the phone in tears, and said to me "I miss him". I do too. With a little luck he’ll be back around this weekend. The times he disappears are nerve-wracking.

Because it’s a "bipolar" blog, we come to the requisite "frame of mind" part. I’m cycling very rapidly, and I hate it. Fighting depression last night, I was manic yesterday. Right now I’m an even-keeled "blah". I’m bouncing liked a yo-yo. I come home from work, look around the house and the yard and get so overwhelmed by everything that has to be done I can’t handle it. At least I’m handling my heavy load at work OK.

My youngest daughter, Sweetness, has been having nightmares. She is dreaming her new pet bunny "Lilly" dies. She wakes up just sobbing. You should see her with that bunny. She reads to the bunny every day, plays with her all the time, and is really enjoying her. I have to admit that animal is very loving. She’ll jump into my wife’s lap and nuzzle her arm until she’s petted. I’ll take some pictures and post them.

Is society getting more polite, or am I looking old? I’m referred to as "sir" more and more often these days. Maybe it’s the salt and pepper hair, but whatever it is, I don’t like it. My grandfather was "Sir". I’m Jon. Oh well, I might as well get used to it, I’m not getting any younger.

Went to the doc today. After waking up very dizzy, and having pain behind my eyes the last few days I suspected a sinus infection. They didn’t think so, and wrote me scripts for anti-vertigo medication, and an anti-biotic "just in case". But the point of this, they took my blood pressure. I’ve always had high blood pressure, ever since I was in my teens. Never quite so bad they’d force me on medication, but high. Well, they took my bp today: 108 over 78. "Sir" my ass.

Now from the "too much information" category: At the gym locker room the other day, an overweight, balding, 50 + man was standing there with a hair brush blow-drying his pubes. I wasn’t sure whether to be nauseated or amused. I chose amused.

I’ll close with some introspection: In another 40 years (I’m pretty optimistic these days), am I going to be glad I embraced the pharmacological method of treating this disorder? Will the decreased motivation, semi-significant memory loss, lower sexual drive, and diminished creativity be offset by my family’s increased happiness and quality of life? As of now, I think so.

In the words of the immortal Sgt Esterhaus, "Let’s be careful out there".

Friday Shorts

Kyle is my 22 year old son who also suffers from bipolar disorder. Since we paid him for cleaning our carpets over a week ago, he’s been gone. How his girlfriend puts up with it is beyond me. But we just heard rumors that one of his good “friends” had someone OD in his apartment, and is facing criminal charges over that death. We were worried that Kyle was there when it happened, but luckily, it sounds like he wasn’t. He has an appointment to make his application for General Assistance on Tuesday, hopefully we’ll be able to track him down by then.

While I know this is of no interest to anyone else, I’m excited about it so I’m going to brag. After 25 years without a serious workout regime I started working out 3 months ago. This morning I ran 3 miles! Even in the peak of my fitness, my teens, I wasn’t able to run 3 miles. I was pretty fast back then, but wasn’t a distance runner. I love to run, and I’m really fired up about this. I can’t run often, the pounding on my knees is painful, and is physically hard on someone my age. Given this I only run once a week or two, and use an elliptical trainer or bike machine most days. My goal is to run a 5 K race this spring, and it looks like I’ll make it. Also, I broke 195 on my weight! As of this morning, I was at 194.5. The weight is coming off very slowly, less than a pound a week, but it is coming off. Target weight: 185. Dream weight: 175. My weight in college: 165.

My frame of mind isn’t a lot better. I’m not really manic any more, more of a mixed episode. I’m slipping between depression and hypomania right now. At least I’m more or less free of the mania I had recently. That was awful.

The work situation is difficult, and that is contributing to my marginal frame of mind. Last summer I left a salaried job I enjoyed to move to a competitor through a consulting company. I was to be a consultant for 3 months, then if my performance was good I’d be hired on permanently. My performance was good, but right after I started the competitor announced a merger. All hiring, of course, was frozen. After the initial 3 months it’s been a series of month to month extensions. Finally they told me they’d like a 6 month contract then evaluate the situation at that time. Well, I don’t like this at all. I have to admit, as a contractor I’m making more money than I’ve ever made. BUT: My expenses are much higher. My family is not covered by insurance, and I’ve already paid several thousand dollars out of pocket for medical emergencies. I have to tell the family we can’t take a vacation this summer because the consulting company doesn’t offer vacation time. Because of medical bills I can’t make several necessary household repairs that must be done. Damn, I hate money problems, and I hate instability.

My girls have been begging for a pet. They’re in the unfortunate position of being the 4th and 5th of our kids. We’ve done the pet thing, many times in the past, many different critters, and have no desire to do it again. My youngest daughter has been writing stories about little girls and pets, not to get us to buy one, but because that’s what was in her heart. Well, through their persistence and downright cuteness, they won out. We now have a black and white bunny named "Lilly". It’s hardly left the arms of the girls since then.

Well, enough for now. I’m going to try to make it around to everyone’s blogs this weekend, hopefully my frame of mind will allow it.

I hope everyone has a great weekend!