Change Is Coming

It's inevitable. With hypomania it always is, but this one worries me. I'm driving a car without brakes. Right now it's fun - windows down, warm fall day, music playing, smoking a good cigar. Enjoying myself. If I can keep the car at a reasonable speed, I can maneuver without brakes. Downshift, gently slide into a curb, there are ways to slow down without doing damage. But it's just a matter of time before the inevitable crash.

As if the feelings aren't enough, actions are speaking loudly. I'm obsessed with the website I'm building, LivingBipolar.com. I'm trying to write the occasional column for BipolarConnect. I'm trying not to ignore the family, but helping with my daughter's algebra homework is causing an upward slide towards the dreaded mania. Only for a short period, then I'm back to hypomania. Those damn slope equations, while easier for me now than they were 30 years ago are still not easy. Throw in a major stressor - we're short on money because of Black Friday Christmas shopping and school obligations that seem to hit all at once this time of year.

I'm trying to handle all my projects, handle the problems, and break in a new medication on an average of 4 hours of sleep a night. And I need a sleeping pill to even get those 4 hours. It's been this way for about 2 weeks, one day a week I get 6 to 7 hours, the rest I get 3 to 5. I'm full of energy, yet impaired. That impairment randomly sneaks into my head and Bam! I'm forced to take notice. Last night was one of those 7 hours of sleep nights, and I was a walking bundle of energy today. Even after that much sleep I unfortunately didn't take the opportunity to roll over and jump the wife, (morning is the best time, and really the ONLY time before the rest of the family gets up) as I was too obsessed with my work on the website. Obsessions are strong right now. With all that's going on in my head, the urge to self-medicate is also incredibly strong. I have quit drinking (for now), but would LOVE to get my hands on a joint. I know, I know, hold the lectures, I won't do it. My damn common sense is still hanging tough. Besides, I wouldn't begin to know where to find it these days. This desire. while tempting, will pass shortly as all other's do.

Sure as shit I'll be going down. I really and truly hope it's a mild slide that stops at normal. My new med regime might just temper things enough. I raised my Lamictal dosage to 200. I started Lithium, and just raised that dosage to 600. So far it's made me manic-leaning hypomanic. This mood might have come about even without the change in meds, or it might be exacerbated by the change. All I know is we have Christmas, New Year, and my annual hunting trip all within the next month. I desperately want to be good company for all these occasions.

I'm tightening the seat belt, this ride's going to get a bit bumpier.

Mixed Episode

How is it that you can be depressed, yet have a mind moving at the speed of light, and a body that is so full of nervous energy it can't stop moving? I hate these "mixed episodes".

Great Week

The last week or so has been pretty decent. Not perfect, mind you, I've been bouncing around like that stereotypical yo yo. Yesterday's rant about pay-for-blogging illustrates the mania just under the surface. Which is funny, as my energy level is pretty low right now, so I would be expecting depression before mania. But they are more closely related, at least for me, than others would imagine.

Speaking about pay-for-blogging, I have decided to go a different route for my blog. Instead of ad words, or those services that you have to actually write about (Refinances - everyone approved!), I'm going to add one of those donate buttons. You know the ones, the "blogger beggar" buttons. Mine is going to be for a donation to "The Human Fund - Money For People". Watch for it.

Last week I went with Kyle to see a show, it was a father's day gift for me. We saw a band called "Indigenous" in a smaller club setting. This is a hard-rocking blues band, and these guys tore it up. The guitar player's name is Mato, and in this style of music there hasn't been a guitar player this good since Stevie Ray Vaughan. Mato is incredible. This ranked as one of the top five shows I've ever seen.

Tomorrow night my wife, Kyle, and I go to see Robert Randolph And The Family Band. If you have never seen these guys you owe it to yourself to see them at least once before you die. There has never been a more high-energy, harder playing, talented, and fun band. Ever. At any time. Bold talk? See them and find out.

For those in the US, have an enjoyable and safe Independance Day, and don't lose sight of the reason for the holiday.

Tuesday Shorts

This is a departure, I usually do Friday Shorts. But I didn’t have much to say Friday.

Yesterday was a difficult day. First, so much excitement Sunday night with the kids home for Father’s Day, I had a hard time falling asleep. Normally half an Ambien knocks me out. But last night I was up every 45 minutes, taking half an Ambien each time. I think it was after 2 when I took my last one, and 4 or so before I finally fell asleep. I slept through my workout, and at 7:00 AM when Karen finally woke me I was really dizzy. I stumbled off to work, and finally about lunch time I was doing a little better.

Then here at work we find out a coworker was killed in a water related accident over the weekend. She was the sweetest girl, between her and her husband they had several children. A very bad atmosphere around here. Isn’t it funny that even though I didn’t know her that well, I’m still affected by it. I can’t stop myself from imagining the fear that must have been felt by her and the pain of her family.

But a positive note – Kyle has moved back in with us! We were so worried about him where he was living. One of their roommates was violent, and their next door neighbor liked to shoot up his house with a gun. The neighbor OD’d the other day, but the roommate is still as violent as ever. I’m glad they’re out of that environment. Kyle now has computer access again at our house, so he will probably be reading this. Leave a comment and say hello to him!

Speaking of Kyle, he gave me a Father’s Day card that was the funniest thing I’ve seen in years. A very large man standing in sand, water behind him. He’s holding a huge fish. No caption on the front, but you open the card and it says…
“I was looking for an appropriately sentimental card, but kept coming back to the fat guy holding the big fish. Happy Fathers Day!”

I received a call this morning to set up an interview for a job I applied for last week. I’m a little surprised, the first interview is with the HR person and an executive VP. Granted, it’s a smaller organization, but they must really be motivated to bring in a VP on the initial interview. I’m going to need to swing by the Bipolar and Me blog for a refresher. Kansas Sunflower is a professional recruiter by trade. In amongst the other stuff on her blog, she has some great tips for job hunters.

Well, back to work. I’m going to have to really work at stability for the next few days. I’m out of my routine, I missed workouts the last 2 days, I’ve been sleeping very little, then the tragedy at work. This scenario has depression written all over it.

Depression?

This HAS to be the result of lowering my med dosage. I woke up this morning and could barely drag myself out of bed. I dragged myself to the gym in order to not impact my routine too much (routine = healthy, lack of routine = trouble), but could hardly do anything. It dawned on me that a depression was setting in.

Can you believe this? From true mania to depression in 2 days. Let's roll the dice and see what tomorrow brings. As fast as my moods have been changing I'll bet my next paycheck it's not depression. I've always cycled rapidly, but this is ridiculous.

Friday Shorts

I’ve had a rash of hits on the search string "Depaquel". Law and Order must have rerun the episode where they mention this fictional drug. Depaquel is not, to my knowledge, a legitimate medication. The writers most likely got the name from Depakote, and Seroquel, both medications used to treat bipolar disorder.

My current hypomania is hanging in there, and that’s a very good thing. SAD (seasonal affective disorder) could kick in at any time. Every summer depression rolls in and stays until fall. SAD normally impacts people in winter, but there is a small population that gets it in summer. It hasn’t always been this way for me, I’m writing a post for BipolarConnect about this. This yearly pattern is how I was eventually diagnosed. Every summer my wife talked me into seeing the doc about my depression. He always prescribed an anti-depressant, as I expected him to do, and after a few months I always got manic. I finally made the doc listen, and told him the antidepressants weren’t working for me the way that we expected them to work, and we needed to consider bipolar disorder. I knew I had it, but he couldn’t see how I could live into my forties without being diagnosed. But anyway, my next pdoc appointment is in early July, I hope the slide doesn’t start before then. I’m going to ask for an antidepressant, I know they can be taken when another bipolar medication is also being taken.

My last post was a music post, Emmylou Harris doing that haunting story "Red Dirt Girl". I hadn’t heard it for years, and when I heard it a few days ago it struck a chord and I shared it. Today I heard it again on KPIG.com. A coincidence? Is a higher power trying to give me a message? Maybe I’m just being reminded to buy my tickets to a show she’s doing in my area later this summer…

Speaking of KPIG.com, their program director and on-air personality Laura Ellen died the other day. KPIG is a California radio station, and a long way from the heartland where I was born, raised, and continue to live. But Laura Ellen always took the time to answer my emails, and was genuinely interested in the shows we got in my area, the artists who played, and the quality of the performances. KPIG is one of the most unique radio stations in the world. They are a commercial station, but are independent, and play a wonderful variety of music ranging from hard rock to hayseed. Check them out for a delightful change-of-pace. When you do, remember Laura Ellen for making that musical treasure possible.

An email flash just came in:
I earn my living in the telemarketing industry, many of you know that and choose to be friends anyway. I’m not actually the person who calls, my accent is too Midwest for that. I work in IS, working on the technical side of the business. But we just received instructions to block all calls to Alabama on Monday, Jefferson Davis’ birthday. Evidently it’s a state holiday. Jefferson Davis was the only president the Confederacy had, from 1861 to 1865, during the civil war. He believed that corruption had destroyed the old Union and that the Confederacy had to be pure to survive. Can someone from south of the Mason-Dixon line convince me that this holiday doesn’t have racial overtones?

For those readers not living in the US, I apologize for all the US geographic references in this post.

I could ramble on forever, but that’s enough for today. Everyone have a great weekend, and let’s be careful out there!

Red Dirt Girl

mog.com

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I ran across this song again today, I hadn't heard it for years. I listened with an ear more knowledgeable about depression. A moving, insightful song. Emmylou quite obviously sings with first hand knowledge.

...But one thing they don't tell you about the blues when you got em
You keep on falling cause there ain't no bottom
There ain't no end.
At least not for Lillian...

The Marketing of 'Wristcutters: A Love Story'

From Mental Health America, via Liz Spikol's blog.

Dear friends,

We need your help. AfterDark Films plans to release a Lionsgate Entertainment movie this summer called Wristcutters: A Love Story. The film premiered at the Sundance Film Festival last year to some acclaim. Mental Health America and its national partners have not yet been able to view the film and cannot yet share any detail on the content.

This month, however, AfterDark will launch an alarming “shock and awe” advertising campaign featuring cutouts of the movie characters in the states in which they kill themselves (e.g., jumping off bridges and electrocuting and hanging themselves). These signs will hang from telephone poles and trees in communities nationwide.

Interestingly enough, recent outrage around the advertising campaign of another one of the companies’ films, Captivity, forced AfterDark to remove billboards that showed graphic images of women, being kidnapped, confined, tortured and killed.

Go to The Trouble With Spikol for information on how you can contact AfterDark and try to stop this highly offensive Wristcutters' marketing blitz.

Blogger Needs Support

Hey all, a fellow bipolar disorder blogger, and a pretty special person, is in a bad place right now. Keep Queen at My Bipolar Life in your thoughts and prayers.

Friday Shorts

You can file this under BFD if you like…
Leave a comment and I’ll link to your blog. If it has some relevance and connection to bipolar or other mental disorder, and is moderately interesting, I’d be happy to add the link and visit regularly. Don’t think this is coercion to get return links, I don’t care much about that. If you are a blogspot blogger, I’ll follow your profile to find your blog. Otherwise, you may need to leave me your URL.

On a related note…
I started using Bloggrolling for my links. Blogrolling is a free online service that stores your links. You sign up for an account, you decide on your categories or groups, and you add your links to the appropriate category. They even give you the code to add to your blog. You add a button to your browser toolbar (they tell you how to do it), and then you can add a link by simply clicking the button on your browser toolbar. One click to add a link to your blog! Ya gotta love it.

Speaking of notes...
Some albums I've recently come across, that are highly recommended. They're not new releases, but new to me.

North Mississippi Allstars, Robert Randolph, John Medeski - "The Word".
An incredible mix of gospel, R&B, rock, and blues. No vocals to interfere with the jams, and some incredible string-bending guitar playing.

Michael Franti & Spearhead - "Yell Fire".
Hip Hop meets reggae. Unique and very hip.

The New Pornographers – “Twin Cinema”.
I worked out to this CD today, and it was great workout music. Energetic without being heavy. Not headbanger stuff.

Speaking of headbanger stuff...
Expert Ties Ex-Player’s Suicide to Brain Damage

Since the former National Football League player Andre Waters killed himself in November, an explanation for his suicide has remained a mystery. But after examining remains of Mr. Waters’s brain, a neuropathologist in Pittsburgh is claiming that Mr. Waters had sustained brain damage from playing football and he says that led to his depression and ultimate death.

An excellent, and disturbing, article.

Enough odds and ends for today, I hope everyone has a great weekend!