Saturday, May 31, 2008

Stick A Fork In Me...

Stick a fork in me, I'm done.


I've hit that place where the need and desire to blog is no longer there. My former colleague, advocate John McManamy tells me this is one of the last steps in the recovery process. I suppose he's right, I really want to put this all behind me. I'm tired of having life revolve around my bipolar disorder symptoms.

Let me be clear - this is not to say I've recovered. I'll never be "recovered". But I'll never get any closer by dwelling on my disorder all day every day. This is a necessary step for me to move closer to the mainstream.

Kyle is doing well, and thanks to all who have written and asked. He's moderately stable, and his drinking seems to be diminished. But they have him on benzos for anxiety, and that worries me. It HAS helped him, but I dread the inevitable withdrawal.

I'm having a very hard time responding to emails and comments, and for this I apologize. I've received some long emails from people who are hurting, and I'm not capable of reading the entire message. If I haven't responded to you in a week or two I'm sorry, but I probably won't. My inbox is so full any older messages won't ever make it back to the top of the stack. But I still would like to hear from friends.

I've been blogging long enough to know that most serious bloggers who say goodbye are back within a month. I won't say I'll never post again, but it will be even less frequent than it is now.

Thanks to all for the support and friendship over the years.

Friday, May 16, 2008

It's Very Clear

It's very clear, at least to me, that I have lost some cognitive ability in the last several years. I just finished my second week of training on the new job and it's not been pretty. We are working examples along with the instructor, and the class is waiting for me at every step. I am that old person that I used to hate when I was younger because they slowed me down. Back then I moved a million miles an hour, and could accomplish anything. It's not that way anymore. The problem is, I know what I used to be, and it's hard to accept less.

Now I'm not saying this to elicit sympathy. While frustrating, I'm finding this quite interesting. I think, whether right or wrong, that this is a result of my treatment. From the time I took my first psych med I've been fascinated by what each med does to me. Some meds have been helpful, some have been horrifying. My current scenario is another way I've been impacted by psych meds. I'm NOT saying it's a mistake to be taking psych meds, I firmly believe my family is much better off since I began treatment. But it's made me average, or maybe even a little below average in some ways. And that's hard to take.

Enough for this week. It's Friday and this will be a great weekend.

Saturday, May 10, 2008

Officers Leave Man in Shackles in Lobby of Mental Hospital

Officers Leave Man in Shackles in Lobby of Mental Hospital

A Sarpy County judge created a potentially dangerous situation by ordering two deputies to leave a 19-year-old jail inmate with mental problems at a psychiatric hospital, even though the hospital did not have room, a state official said Friday.

The deputies left the man in shackles in the hospital lobby.

Sarpy County Attorney Lee Polikov defended Judge Robert Wester's decision, saying that the Lincoln Regional Center should have had the bed space needed to accommodate the man.

"I think what's out of line is that the system doesn't have adequate facilities for mental care," Polikov said. "I can't speak for the judge, but I'm not sure what his alternatives were."

Wester determined Thursday that the man was incompetent to stand trial and told Sarpy County Deputies John Sorensen and Ken Miller to transport him to the Lincoln Regional Center. The man was in court on an assault charge and a couple of traffic offenses.

People are routinely held at the regional center until they are considered mentally prepared for trial.

When deputies arrived at the regional center, officials there told them there was no room for the man. The deputies notified the judge, who told them to leave the man there or go to jail themselves for being in contempt of his orders, said Sarpy County Sheriff Jeff Davis.

"The judge said, 'Look, I gave you an order, and you've got to walk away,'" Davis said. "He said, 'I'm giving you an order, and if you defy that order, you'll be in contempt.'"

This is incomprehensible. But given the county, no surprise. This county contains Offutt Air Force Base, the home of Stratcom. It's a well-populated county, yet the entire criminal justice system of Sarpy County Nebraska is so harsh, ignorant, and backwards, it's mind boggling.

Tuesday, May 06, 2008

Angel Food

There's a program in the US called Angel Food. I first heard about it when my son wrote a newspaper article about a small town in Iowa doing this. Then our local DBSA chapter started talking about it. It's a wonderful program to buy food VERY inexpensively.

Food is sold in units, and units are $30.00. The unit contains a variety of food, relatively healthy choices, and should sustain a family for a week or so. Below is this month's menu:

2 lb. Fully Cooked Meatloaf
1 lb. Beef Fajita Strips
3 lb. Breaded Frying Chicken
2 lb. St. Louis Style Ribs
2 lb. Lasagna Dinner Entrée
1 lb. Gourmet Sausage
1 lb. Fully Cooked Meatballs
16 oz. Broccoli
15 oz. Refried Beans
12 ct. Tortillas
26 oz. Pasta Sauce
16 oz. Pasta
6 oz. Pancake Mix
16 oz. Fresh Carrots
3 lb. Golden Yukon Potatoes
4 oz. Chicken Noodle Soup (Makes 64 oz.)
4 lb. California Oranges
1 Dessert Item

All that for thirty bucks. In addition, there are a few other "add-on" units of meat you can get very cheap also.

It's easy to do, you go the the website, to locate your closest distribution point. You contact them with your order, then pick up on the distribution day. Bring a large box (a large roughneck storage tub is great). You may wait in line to pick up, the program is getting popular.

Monday, May 05, 2008


As I mentioned earlier, I just started a new job. Like most of you out there, I'm not lacking in intelligence. Intelligence seems to be a bipolar trait. But for the first time in my life, I feel inadequate in that respect. I started a month of classroom training, and I'm being left in the dust. I'm no stranger to classrooms, I have a bachelors degree, went back for a technical associates, and have taken several other classes since. After my bachelors, I never received a grade lower than A. I HAVE to be one of the best in the class, it's my nature, there is no other option. But at this point I'm not fighting to be the top in the class, I'm struggling to survive.

This has been an obsessive concern of mine over the last several years, that my meds are slowing me down mentally. I suspected it, but never had a way of quantifying or validating those concerns. After today I'm as certain as I can be. Unless I'm in class with a bunch of damn Einsteins there's no way they're all going to be sharper than me.

I'm more than a little scared.

Saturday, May 03, 2008

New Chapter In LIfe

A lot going on right now.

I started a new job this week as a consultant for a large, well-known insurance company. I love it. They run a tight ship, for example there's no internet access at all. But I gain a lot, such as great working conditions and people, and of course, more income.

Next, I gave up my gig at BipolarConnect. I loved the money, but it was time to move on.

There's been more, and I'll follow up.