Don't Know What Is Going On

It's been a while since I've made rounds of blogs, and I truly hope everyone is OK. Please try to understand when I say I just can't do it.

I'm trying to understand what is going on in my head, and I'm not doing well. I spent the month of August in a deep depression. I thought I worked my way out of that one, but I'm not so sure. I am not in a crippling depression like I was, but I can't write, and I have no interest in much of anything. I started a new job in late August, and I haven't been able to really grab hold and sieze this opportunity. I'm getting by, but I want to be excelling. I am getting crippling bouts of OCD, which I've NEVER had before. That is making it difficult for me to do my new job. I can't return personal emails, I can't even bring myself to read what I've blogged, let alone read anyone else's.

2 weeks ago I contacted my Pdoc about all of this. Remember the new job? Old insurance gone, new insurance trying to get established, so no coverage. I talked them into samples of Lamictal to tide me over until I got my new coverage. I had to cancel an appointment until everything got set up anew. But the doc told me I should have called earlier, he might think about upping my dosage of Lamictal. I reminded him of no prescription coverage right now. He asked about my Risperdal, I told him I thought it was making things worse. He told me to continue anyway. I told him I had some Seroquel around, and he told me to start on that until we got together again. That has helped with the anxiety and irritability that hit me so hard during the depression, but I'm left without any motivation at all.

So, I'm left wondering if I'm still in a depression, or if my meds are doing this to me. Avoidance is the over-riding theme right now. Avoid writing, avoid reading, avoid contact. Avoid everything but eating and TV.

This is starting to worry me...