The Disability Hearing

About a month ago we had a call from Ryan's (Kyle's) attorney saying a date had been set for his disability claim hearing. He had made application a long time before he died, was rejected (as are most), and the attorney filed an appeal. It seems like this happened quite a while before he died. 20 months after he left us, he finally gets a disability hearing. We were ready to walk away, I have no interest in taking money from the Social Security Administration after he's gone, but the wife and I discussed it and decided that, if for no other reason, the attorney could recover some of her costs. She really is a caring and compassionate person. So we decided to proceed.

We walked into the hearing room and there was my wife and I, Ryan's attorney, the judge, a medical expert on speaker phone, and a vocational expert. They all had files as thick as a big-city phone book. They were referencing many exhibits, sub-exhibits, schedules, and so forth. They had his counseling records, his medical and hospital records, his psychiatrist's records. Things he'd NEVER want to share with anyone, and it was an open book. To hear his life reduced to a stack of papers was almost more than I could handle, and I choked up at times during the testimony. There was information read aloud he would NEVER want us, let alone others, to know. It was really sad. We wanted them to know what a caring, compassionate, loving, brilliant kid he was, but that wasn't material to the case.

The system is broken, probably irreparably. It's designed to deny benefits rather than help those in need. It sucks out the motivation, the self-worth, the soul of those attempting to collect disability. Unfortunately, it won't change, given the state of politics today.

The weeks leading up to this, both my wife and I fell into a depression. The deepest depression I've had since he died. The day after the hearing, we're both improving a bit, but it may take a while.

We'll Miss You Kyle

Our son Kyle has left us, he was killed today in an accident in our home. He was 24 years old.

While Kyle suffered terribly at times, he also lived life to the fullest, and loved more deeply than words could describe. My wife used to say, "he was a unicorn in a stable of thoroughbreds."

I'm going to miss you, kid.

Kyle's New Blog

Hey all - my son Kyle has started a blog.

Manic Repressive

He goes by the name "Stretch" and is starting by posting an autobiography he was assigned in a counseling session.

Stop by, leave him a comment, and let him feel the love of this community.

The Runner is Back

I've been under the weather recently, and fighting a depression since Kyle was released from the hospital. It sunk in that no matter how hard we try, we can't protect him forever. Fortunately, he came away from this experience far better prepared for life than I've ever seen him. I'm very proud of how he's responded to the crisis he faced.

The day after he was released he laced up his running shoes for the first time in years and ran 12 miles. He ran 2 full marathons when he was still in high school winning his age group in one of them. It is great to see him running again. Last night Kyle, my 12 year old daughter, and myself all ran 3 miles. Even though I'm fighting a sinus infection it felt great to run with my kids. The most enjoyable thing I've done in months.

It's good to have him home.

Life Comes At You Fast...

I say this every few weeks, but I appreciate all the emails and messages. I am still here, but I'm just not able to write as much any more. Life has gotten hectic, time has disappeared, and stress is constant. I've been bordering on mania for quite a while now.

My son Kyle is going through an experience. It was a life-threatening, and we hope, life-change experience. I wrote about it here:
http://www.healthcentral.com/bipolar/c/41/12593/crisis-kyle/?ic=4027
All of us are still dealing with the stress of this. I'll have more to report when we find out what the options are. Right now we really don't know how everything is going to shake out.

On the positive side, after over 7 years I finally quit my second job. For me, work has been a coping mechanism. If I'm working hard and moving fast, I'm not thinking too much, and not getting into trouble. It's always been one of the things that has kept me stable. I'm going to try this, we'll see how it works...

I hope all is well with everyone out there.

Great News!

After years of struggling, jumping through hoops, waiting in lines, and dismal failures, my son Kyle got medication! My wife has been taking him through a series of assistance appointments for several years. You miss one appointment and you're back to square one. The process is so frustrating, and so intimidating, and so daunting, that he never was able to make it through. Finally today after having someone criticize Kyle for a paperwork mistake another aid worker made that would set them back several months, my wife broke down in tears. They finally saw the hell he'd been through in trying to get assistance. The person stepped up and went to bat for Kyle, and got him in for a psych eval and other med work that same day.

He just called me, and was excited. He felt really good about the appointment, and they prescribed him Lamictal and Seroquel! I never thought he'd be prescribed Lamictal through the public assistance process because of the cost. He knows how well it's working for me, and he's excited about the future.

I'm so happy for him, I'm almost in tears right now.

Bad Weekend Experience

Had a pretty bad experience over the weekend. Because my agreement with Health Central precludes me from double posting content, I'll leave a link:
Mania and Rage

The moment you think things are going well and you're in control, bipolar disorder can slap your ass right back down to the ground. The disorder likes to make it abundantly clear who is REALLY in charge. All we can do is try to keep our demons happy, so they don't take control.

Night Owl Behavior Harmful to Preteens

Night Owl Behavior Harmful to Preteens - Psych Central News

An interesting article. I have 5 children, and have seen this behavior in some of them. Kyle was the worst about going to bed. When Kyle was a pre-teen my wife worked nights. I made sure I put him to bed every night, but when my wife got home at 2:00 AM, Kyle was waiting up for her, fully awake, every night. I don't know if this was a contributer to, or a result of, his bipolar disorder.

I now see this behavior in my oldest daughter, now 12. I don't think she has bipolar disorder, she's entirely different from Kyle at that age, but these sleep patterns still bother me.

Great Week

The last week or so has been pretty decent. Not perfect, mind you, I've been bouncing around like that stereotypical yo yo. Yesterday's rant about pay-for-blogging illustrates the mania just under the surface. Which is funny, as my energy level is pretty low right now, so I would be expecting depression before mania. But they are more closely related, at least for me, than others would imagine.

Speaking about pay-for-blogging, I have decided to go a different route for my blog. Instead of ad words, or those services that you have to actually write about (Refinances - everyone approved!), I'm going to add one of those donate buttons. You know the ones, the "blogger beggar" buttons. Mine is going to be for a donation to "The Human Fund - Money For People". Watch for it.

Last week I went with Kyle to see a show, it was a father's day gift for me. We saw a band called "Indigenous" in a smaller club setting. This is a hard-rocking blues band, and these guys tore it up. The guitar player's name is Mato, and in this style of music there hasn't been a guitar player this good since Stevie Ray Vaughan. Mato is incredible. This ranked as one of the top five shows I've ever seen.

Tomorrow night my wife, Kyle, and I go to see Robert Randolph And The Family Band. If you have never seen these guys you owe it to yourself to see them at least once before you die. There has never been a more high-energy, harder playing, talented, and fun band. Ever. At any time. Bold talk? See them and find out.

For those in the US, have an enjoyable and safe Independance Day, and don't lose sight of the reason for the holiday.

Tuesday Shorts

This is a departure, I usually do Friday Shorts. But I didn’t have much to say Friday.

Yesterday was a difficult day. First, so much excitement Sunday night with the kids home for Father’s Day, I had a hard time falling asleep. Normally half an Ambien knocks me out. But last night I was up every 45 minutes, taking half an Ambien each time. I think it was after 2 when I took my last one, and 4 or so before I finally fell asleep. I slept through my workout, and at 7:00 AM when Karen finally woke me I was really dizzy. I stumbled off to work, and finally about lunch time I was doing a little better.

Then here at work we find out a coworker was killed in a water related accident over the weekend. She was the sweetest girl, between her and her husband they had several children. A very bad atmosphere around here. Isn’t it funny that even though I didn’t know her that well, I’m still affected by it. I can’t stop myself from imagining the fear that must have been felt by her and the pain of her family.

But a positive note – Kyle has moved back in with us! We were so worried about him where he was living. One of their roommates was violent, and their next door neighbor liked to shoot up his house with a gun. The neighbor OD’d the other day, but the roommate is still as violent as ever. I’m glad they’re out of that environment. Kyle now has computer access again at our house, so he will probably be reading this. Leave a comment and say hello to him!

Speaking of Kyle, he gave me a Father’s Day card that was the funniest thing I’ve seen in years. A very large man standing in sand, water behind him. He’s holding a huge fish. No caption on the front, but you open the card and it says…
“I was looking for an appropriately sentimental card, but kept coming back to the fat guy holding the big fish. Happy Fathers Day!”

I received a call this morning to set up an interview for a job I applied for last week. I’m a little surprised, the first interview is with the HR person and an executive VP. Granted, it’s a smaller organization, but they must really be motivated to bring in a VP on the initial interview. I’m going to need to swing by the Bipolar and Me blog for a refresher. Kansas Sunflower is a professional recruiter by trade. In amongst the other stuff on her blog, she has some great tips for job hunters.

Well, back to work. I’m going to have to really work at stability for the next few days. I’m out of my routine, I missed workouts the last 2 days, I’ve been sleeping very little, then the tragedy at work. This scenario has depression written all over it.

Friday Shorts

My current hypomania has hit critical mass. I’m getting in great, intense, workouts, but I can’t sleep unmedicated. I’m hoping things are on the downward slide just a bit. I just hope it doesn’t go too far or too fast.

I am continuing to work on the LivingBipolar page. I love working on stuff like that, if feeds so many needs in me. Creativity, technical thinking, research, and so forth. I’ve expanded it to include news feeds and resources. I’ll be adding a link library next. Is there anything else that would make it more useful?

Kyle will be moving back in with us. I’ve just written a column about this at BipolarConnect, but it will take a week or so for them to print it. You can subscribe to my posts if you take a moment and create an account. It will be great to have him home, but I’m nervous about it. We’ve butted heads terribly in the past.

All my life I just assumed I’d never hit 65 years, thinking with my lifestyle I’d heart attack early. Now I have every intention of being active into my eighties. A book that I’d almost call life-changing is called "Younger Next Year" by Chris Crowley and Henry S. Lodge. There is a men’s and women’s version of the book. If you need motivation to get your exercise and fitness regime going, this is the book. My workouts are working, I’ve lost 20 pounds, gained size and strength, and ran 4 miles Wednesday morning. Those of us in the bipolar disorder community have to be SO careful. Our meds, while necessary for our ability to live semi-normal lives, can also exact a price. This helps counteract that price.

Did anyone watch "The Office" last night? Could there be a funnier show? A disgruntled employee sabotaged an entire shipment of paper by putting on a watermark of 2 cartoon characters in an obscene act. This paper shipped to businesses, schools, and other organizations. One of the funniest episodes ever.

I hope everyone had a great week, and will have an even better weekend!

Friday Shorts

Every time I mention my son Kyle, I feel the need to say "my 22 year old bipolar son". Well, it’s time I stop saying that. He’s a pretty special kid, and I don’t want to define him in this manner. I don’t like being defined that way myself. Of course, I’m guilty of putting myself in that box…

My wife talked to Kyle’s girlfriend tonight. They have a good relationship, my wife has a good relationship with everyone. Just be a real person and you’ll connect with my wife. But neither of them has heard from Kyle for a while, and they commiserated a bit. My wife got off the phone in tears, and said to me "I miss him". I do too. With a little luck he’ll be back around this weekend. The times he disappears are nerve-wracking.

Because it’s a "bipolar" blog, we come to the requisite "frame of mind" part. I’m cycling very rapidly, and I hate it. Fighting depression last night, I was manic yesterday. Right now I’m an even-keeled "blah". I’m bouncing liked a yo-yo. I come home from work, look around the house and the yard and get so overwhelmed by everything that has to be done I can’t handle it. At least I’m handling my heavy load at work OK.

My youngest daughter, Sweetness, has been having nightmares. She is dreaming her new pet bunny "Lilly" dies. She wakes up just sobbing. You should see her with that bunny. She reads to the bunny every day, plays with her all the time, and is really enjoying her. I have to admit that animal is very loving. She’ll jump into my wife’s lap and nuzzle her arm until she’s petted. I’ll take some pictures and post them.

Is society getting more polite, or am I looking old? I’m referred to as "sir" more and more often these days. Maybe it’s the salt and pepper hair, but whatever it is, I don’t like it. My grandfather was "Sir". I’m Jon. Oh well, I might as well get used to it, I’m not getting any younger.

Went to the doc today. After waking up very dizzy, and having pain behind my eyes the last few days I suspected a sinus infection. They didn’t think so, and wrote me scripts for anti-vertigo medication, and an anti-biotic "just in case". But the point of this, they took my blood pressure. I’ve always had high blood pressure, ever since I was in my teens. Never quite so bad they’d force me on medication, but high. Well, they took my bp today: 108 over 78. "Sir" my ass.

Now from the "too much information" category: At the gym locker room the other day, an overweight, balding, 50 + man was standing there with a hair brush blow-drying his pubes. I wasn’t sure whether to be nauseated or amused. I chose amused.

I’ll close with some introspection: In another 40 years (I’m pretty optimistic these days), am I going to be glad I embraced the pharmacological method of treating this disorder? Will the decreased motivation, semi-significant memory loss, lower sexual drive, and diminished creativity be offset by my family’s increased happiness and quality of life? As of now, I think so.

In the words of the immortal Sgt Esterhaus, "Let’s be careful out there".

Friday Shorts

Kyle is my 22 year old son who also suffers from bipolar disorder. Since we paid him for cleaning our carpets over a week ago, he’s been gone. How his girlfriend puts up with it is beyond me. But we just heard rumors that one of his good “friends” had someone OD in his apartment, and is facing criminal charges over that death. We were worried that Kyle was there when it happened, but luckily, it sounds like he wasn’t. He has an appointment to make his application for General Assistance on Tuesday, hopefully we’ll be able to track him down by then.

While I know this is of no interest to anyone else, I’m excited about it so I’m going to brag. After 25 years without a serious workout regime I started working out 3 months ago. This morning I ran 3 miles! Even in the peak of my fitness, my teens, I wasn’t able to run 3 miles. I was pretty fast back then, but wasn’t a distance runner. I love to run, and I’m really fired up about this. I can’t run often, the pounding on my knees is painful, and is physically hard on someone my age. Given this I only run once a week or two, and use an elliptical trainer or bike machine most days. My goal is to run a 5 K race this spring, and it looks like I’ll make it. Also, I broke 195 on my weight! As of this morning, I was at 194.5. The weight is coming off very slowly, less than a pound a week, but it is coming off. Target weight: 185. Dream weight: 175. My weight in college: 165.

My frame of mind isn’t a lot better. I’m not really manic any more, more of a mixed episode. I’m slipping between depression and hypomania right now. At least I’m more or less free of the mania I had recently. That was awful.

The work situation is difficult, and that is contributing to my marginal frame of mind. Last summer I left a salaried job I enjoyed to move to a competitor through a consulting company. I was to be a consultant for 3 months, then if my performance was good I’d be hired on permanently. My performance was good, but right after I started the competitor announced a merger. All hiring, of course, was frozen. After the initial 3 months it’s been a series of month to month extensions. Finally they told me they’d like a 6 month contract then evaluate the situation at that time. Well, I don’t like this at all. I have to admit, as a contractor I’m making more money than I’ve ever made. BUT: My expenses are much higher. My family is not covered by insurance, and I’ve already paid several thousand dollars out of pocket for medical emergencies. I have to tell the family we can’t take a vacation this summer because the consulting company doesn’t offer vacation time. Because of medical bills I can’t make several necessary household repairs that must be done. Damn, I hate money problems, and I hate instability.

My girls have been begging for a pet. They’re in the unfortunate position of being the 4th and 5th of our kids. We’ve done the pet thing, many times in the past, many different critters, and have no desire to do it again. My youngest daughter has been writing stories about little girls and pets, not to get us to buy one, but because that’s what was in her heart. Well, through their persistence and downright cuteness, they won out. We now have a black and white bunny named "Lilly". It’s hardly left the arms of the girls since then.

Well, enough for now. I’m going to try to make it around to everyone’s blogs this weekend, hopefully my frame of mind will allow it.

I hope everyone has a great weekend!

Friday Shorts

I’m done with American Idol. The American masses don’t care about quality. They want cute, sexy, or attractive. This is exactly why I stopped watching all prime time music award shows many years ago. It’s all about packaging and marketing. Make the performer attractive to pre-teen girls and who cares if they can sing or perform – they’ll be successful. Disgraceful.

Kyle (our 22 year old bipolar son) called a few days ago and asked if we needed our carpets cleaned. We did, of course. Kyle can clean carpets better than any professional. We rented a cleaning machine, and he cleaned all day and into the night. We paid him well, he works so hard and does such a great job. My wife paid him in front of his girlfriend, we didn’t want to offend him by giving the money directly to his girlfriend. Kyle continued to clean well into the night, and he asked if he could stay with us that night. Of course he could. We got up the next day, and guess what? Surprise, surprise, he’s gone. Haven’t heard from him since. When will we learn, you don’t give money to someone with untreated bipolar disorder.

70 degrees in the heartland within a few days! Woo-hoo! I’ll get reacquainted with my deck and my humidor of cigars.

My mania is settling into a more pleasant hypomania, and I hope it stays for a while. Of course when I’m manic I slide between the two, but I’m REALLY tired of mania. I need to be able to accomplish something at work again.

USB memory sticks are everywhere these days, I’ve used one for years to carry things back and forth between work and home. I got one not too long ago that has something called "U3". This allows for programs to be run directly from the memory stick. Firefox browser, Trillian messenger, Filezilla FTP, Open Office, IrfanView, RoboForm, and many more free applications. This is a very cool piece of technology. Launch the programs with a single click, leave no footprints or trails on the computer you are using, securely store passwords, bookmarks, and so forth. I won’t work without one ever again.

I encourage everyone to jump over to http://bipolarconnect.com. My blog is located here. If you survive seeing my picture, take a moment and subscribe to my posts, it will help me out. Actually, the new design they have there is pretty cool, and makes it very easy to interact with others.

Finally, I got to thinking about the concept of a "community blog". A blog where anyone, named or anonymous, could post. A bipolar disorder theme, of course. You could plug your main blog, make announcements, tell others if a fellow blogger is in crisis, give those who just lurk or are intimidated by blogging a chance to be heard, and so forth. These ideas come a million miles an hour when I’m hypomanic, and can be difficult to implement or maintain when I’m "normal". But this wouldn’t be a big deal, especially with assistance from others. Thoughts?

Enough for now, everyone have a GREAT weekend!

Friday Shorts

The BipolarConnect redesign is done. Check it out! Leave me comments on my blog there, which can be found here, under the name GJ Gregory. Don't hesitate to create a profile and share your stories.

Big blizzard yesterday, our city’s worst in a decade. We got between 12 and 15 inches at my house. I have a medium sized snowblower, and the snow was just too deep for it. The wife and I half shoveled, half “snowblowed” my drive and walks. It took almost all afternoon. I went to the gym at about 6:00 AM, and there was an inch of snow on the ground. It’s only 5 minutes away, but in that 5 minutes the blizzard blew in and I was in a white-out. I made it there, worked out, and when I left there was 7 or 8 inches of snow. I was there less than 2 hours. The streets were like parking lots on every hill, the cars could not make it up the hills. I finally made it to a retail area on some higher ground, and went into an Office Depot store where I know the managers. I hung out for a couple hours until they had time to push the stuck cars out of the roads, then I plowed my way into work. Worked for a few hours, and plowed my way home. I never got stuck until I was turning into my driveway, and got stuck in the street. On my way to work this morning, there are cars off the road all over, even some still stuck in the roads. Those poor cars have snow plowed around them, they’ll have a lot of digging to free themselves. It could be worse though, I could be in the southern US, like Alabama or Georgia. I hope all my friends down there came through their storms unscathed.

Let’s see – Kyle called yesterday, I haven’t heard from him in a few weeks. He is considering a local program that will help him get assistance. The only problem is the program insists on homeless documentation. That means he has to be in a shelter, and he’d probably be there for 6 to 8 weeks. I’ve written about it on my BipolarConnect blog. They haven’t published it yet, and per my contract I can’t double-post. But I’ll post a link when they do publish it.

My kids are so funny at times. At different times Wednesday evening both of my girls grabbed a handful of ice and threw it out onto the deck. They claim it is good luck for getting school cancelled. Also if they wear their pajamas and everything else backwards they think it helps. Well it worked, school cancelled Thursday and today.

On a lighter note: Did you know there are several stages of marital “relations”? There is the newlywed stage – insatiable, anytime, anywhere, constantly. Then after a year or two that settles into the hot stage – not as often but very hot and intense. As middle age approaches, things slide into the “special events” stage. Birthdays, anniversaries, valentines day, and other special days. As people get older, things often move into the “oral sex” stage. Yes, believe it or not, oral sex is VERY common among middle aged and older couples. You know what I mean, you pass your partner in the hallway and mutter “screw you”.

I hope everyone out there has a great weekend.

A Few Updates

A few family updates.

My oldest son graduated from college in August, and has been looking for a job since then. He just found one, and is very excited. It’s in a city about 2 hours away, so it’s not so far that we can’t see him regularly. In fact, if you look at the heartland of the US, there are 2 major cities 150 miles or so apart. We’re in one, and he’ll be in the other. He found out yesterday, and starts Monday. He has some friends he’ll be living with, so he’ll be throwing stuff in the trunk of his car and leaving in a few days.

Then to Kyle, our 22 year bipolar son. Kind of a long complicated story leading up to this, I wrote about it on my BipolarConnect blog, I’ll post a link when they finally publish it. But the bottom line, we haven’t heard from him in several days, and neither has his girlfriend. Life got too overwhelming, and he took off. The irony is, what overwhelmed him was the prospect of not having to worry about anything.

Mardi Gras comes to the heartland! When the band The Iguanas comes to our area the wife and I never miss them. They are one of New Orleans most popular bands, and they are always a lot of fun. Here it is Fat Tuesday, the peak of Mardi Gras, and The Iguanas are in our area for a Mardi Gras party and show! Woo-hoo! I’ve already told the boss I’ll be late tomorrow.

Not Much To Report

I haven’t been posting much, as I really don’t have much to post. My health, both mental and physical, is great. I am stable, and enjoying life. I don’t want to turn this into a “what I did today” blog, not that there’s anything wrong with that, it’s just not my style. My son with bipolar disorder, Kyle, I haven’t seen for a few weeks, so I have nothing to report there. I’m sure he’s OK, he just gets self conscious and doesn’t come around when he can’t tell us something positive. I wish he would come around anyway, but that’s how it is. So, until I have something relevant to post…

Friday Shorts

Not much to say today. Physically and mentally I feel great – as good as I have for years. But emotionally I’m a little shell-shocked. So pardon me if I don’t make it around to read and comment all your blogs for a day or 2, I’m worried about triggering something I’d rather not live with.

I haven’t heard from Kyle for over a week, but I’m not particularly worried. We’d hear if he was in trouble, and I think he’s feeling self-conscious about not working. This is too bad, because I REALLY enjoy his company, working or not.

It’s boring for everyone when I keep talking about working out, but I can’t say enough about the HUGE benefit it’s bringing to my mental health and frame of mind. I knew there would be a difference, but I never imagined it would be this significant.

Michael Vick, the Atlanta Falcons quarterback, was recently arrested for trying to smuggle marijuana through airport security. Here is an SNL video that is the funniest thing I’ve seen in a long time. Don’t worry, you don’t have to be a football fan to appreciate it:
SNL Michael Vick clip.

I have a new post up on my Bipolar Connect blog. It’s one of those "you know you have bipolar disorder if…" type of things. It’s all original, I didn’t steal it off the internet, knowingly anyway. If you like it, leave a comment.

I’m a HUGE NPR fan, and Juan Williams from NPR did an excellent interview with President Bush. Whenever Bush opens his mouth you want to cringe, but take a look at this paragraph:

The Iranian people have got to know that this government and the United States bears no hostility to them. We're just deeply concerned about a government that is insisting upon having a nuclear weapon, and at the same time, rewriting history – the history of the past, and regards, for example, the Holocaust. It troubles a lot of people in this world, and I'll continue to work with, you know, friends and allies to send a clear message.

It’s just so typical, you can understand what he’s trying to convey, but he’s just not making it happen. How about this "Bushism" from above: "…rewriting history – the history of the past…"
Find the complete transcript of the interview here.

Did anyone catch the Law and Order episode from a while back? It dealt, none too sympathetically, with bipolar disorder. They talked about someone overdosing on "Depaquel".
Update: Due to all those landing on this post by Googling "Depaquel", it should be pointed out that Depaquel is a TV invention. Thus, my tongue-in-cheek reference. The name most likely comes from a contraction of the words Seroquel and Depakote, both legitimate medications used to treat bipolar disorder.

Well, for having little to write about, I managed to stretch this out. Everyone have a GREAT weekend!