Current Stresses

First of all, apologies for this post. It’s not the kind of self-indulgent whining I like to do. Another clue, count the number of times the word “I” is used. A dead giveaway of hypo or even full mania. It’s times like this it becomes SO obvious that I’m just not right.

This summer has been a blur. I have accomplished NOTHING. I don’t know if it’s my meds or a progression of illness, but it’s been awful. I have done almost none of the things that bring me pleasure all summer long. I have not fished, except for a single camping trip. I have not taken the bicycle out of the garage all summer. I have not walked, have not done yard work, haven’t even been able to clean the garage. I’ve done NOTHING. And because I haven’t been able to keep up on even minor cleaning and maintenance, I feel so much like a failure. My yard is full of weeds, my house is filled with junk, and I react to it by getting either manic or depressed, both of which are equally crippling for me.

My wife’s mother had a stroke and moved in with us several months ago. She just recently acknowledged that it’s time to sell her house and move on. So this week my wife has been working with her siblings to get the house cleaned out and ready to sell. They’re cleaning out 40+ years of accumulation. Her mom is taking it well, better than I would. Can you imagine accumulating stuff your entire life then watching it all get tossed in a dumpster? This has been a very stressful time for everyone.

Then, I start a new job this week. I’ve been with my current employer for 7 years and just took a new position with a competitor. It happened so quickly, and I feel so impetuous for doing things this way. I took this job as a contract with option to hire. I took it without knowing the benefits package, how much the end employer will offer me when (and if) they hire me, and without knowing exactly what I will be doing. All I know is the interview “clicked”, and 2 hours later my recruiter was calling me with an offer.

So I have a HUGE life change happening with the new job. They wife has relatives in town. The house looks like shit because I’m not capable of taking care of it right now. The wife let someone into our bedroom to use the bathroom in there. I’m working on that master bedroom bathroom (have been for 3 years) so it’s a mess, no bathroom door, tools and clutter everywhere. And she let’s someone in there. That triggered an instant mania. In a HUGE way. She knew it would happen, and she did it anyway. It’s her way of punishing me for not being more supportive of what she is going through with her mother. We had her relatives over for dinner, but I wanted to crawl under a rock and die. Or leave, start driving and never look back. Or drive off a bridge. But I couldn’t, to do so would graphically illustrate the imbalance I’ve tried my entire life to hide. So I suck it up and try to maintain.

It’s times like these that I just want to say “fuck it” and leave everything behind. All the stresses. All the clutter. All the baggage. All the shit that causes so much pain. All the stuff going on in my brain. But I won’t. I’ll suck it in, choke it down, and move on. I don’t have to like it, though.

Bipolarconnect Message Boards

Hey all:

Most regular readers know my main blog is now at Bipolarconnect.com. At bipolarconnect.com there are some message boards or forums. These message boards are one of the first stops by many people who are just coming to the realization they have bipolar disorder. They are often in crisis and the pain in their posts is plain to see.

If anyone has any time on their hands jump on over and lend some encouraging words to some of these folks. There are only a couple of us that are trying to keep up the spirits of these folks, and I'm lucky if I can put an hour a week into those boards. If anyone else can lend an encouraging word I think it would mean a lot to some of these people.

Bipolarconnect.com does make you register to use the forums, but that's not a big deal, if you're concerned about it, give a screen name instead of a real name.

Thanks to anyone who can jump in with a postitive word or two.

Suicide Hotline To Shut Down

An email alert from Nami.org.

1-800-SUICIDE Hotline Set to Shut Down on Saturday August 12

August 10, 2006

The nation's largest suicide hotline, 1-800-SUICIDE, is scheduled to go out of service this Saturday, August 12, 2006. There are currently negotiations in progress that may prevent this. However, in the event that these negotiations are not successful, NAMI is issuing this alert to raise public awareness of the alternative for those in need of help.

The alternative number for those in crisis is 1-800-273-TALK. This number will put callers in touch with the federally-funded National Suicide Prevention Lifeline, a service that has been in operation since January, 2005. It functions as a central switchboard to immediately connect callers to virtually the same network of certified, local crisis centers accessed by 1-800-SUICIDE. So callers can receive counseling or emergency services, if needed, close to home.

All calls to the 1-800-273-TALK Lifeline are private and confidential. Confidentiality of personal information and of personal disclosures during calls is a high priority for the parties involved in operating the Lifeline.

The federal Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA) is working with the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline and the entire suicide prevention community to ensure that every call for help during a suicide crisis is answered. Some of the measures being put in place include:

* Ensuring that the entire suicide-prevention community is working the phones and Internet to make sure that all referring agencies know that 1-800-273-TALK is the number to call for suicide intervention.
* Notifying service providers, including directory 411 and 211 operators, that 1-800-SUICIDE is scheduled to go out of service beginning August 12, 2006 and to direct callers to 1-800-273-TALK for help.
* Redirecting callers who call 1-800-SUICIDE to call 1-800-273-TALK through a recording.

As a part of this effort, NAMI will participate in a meeting with SAMHSA and its other partner groups on Friday afternoon, August 11, and we will issue an update afterwards if there is additional information to share.

NAMI urges you to help distribute this alert in your community. Together, we can ensure that every call for help is answered.

Thank you,

Michael J. Fitzpatrick, MSW
Executive Director
NAMI

Bipolar Song Changes

Sitting here, just manic enough that I can't concentrate to do any serious writing, and this pops into my head.

Take the actual lyrics, and substitute the word "bipolar" for cowboy, and what do you get?

Mama don't let your babies grow up to be bipolar
Don't let 'em pick guitars and drive them old trucks
Make 'em be doctors and lawyers and such
Mama don't let your babies grow up to be bipolar
They'll never stay home and they're always alone
Even with someone they love

Bipolars ain't easy to love and they're harder to hold
And they'd rather give you a song then diamonds or gold
Lonestar belt buckles and old faded Levi's each night begins a new day
And if you don't understand him and he don't die young
He'll probly just ride away

Mama don't let your babies grow up to be bipolar
Don't let 'em pick guitars and drive them old trucks
Make 'em be doctors and lawyers and such
Mama don't let your babies grow up to be bipolar
They'll never stay home and they're always alone
Even with someone they love

Bipolars like smoky old pool rooms and clear mountain mornings
Little warm puppies and children and girls of the night
And them that don't know him won't like him
And them that do sometimes won't know how to take him
He ain't wrong he's just different
but his pride won't let him do things to make you think he's right

Mama don't let your babies grow up to be bipolar
Don't let 'em pick guitars and drive them old trucks
Make 'em be doctors and lawyers and such
Mama don't let your babies grow up to be bipolar
They'll never stay home and they're always alone
Even with someone they love

Mama don't let your babies grow up to be bipolar
Don't let 'em pick guitars and drive them old trucks
Make 'em be doctors and lawyers and such…

Hmmm - let's see, what song will we find next?