Sunday, August 20, 2006

Current Stresses

First of all, apologies for this post. It’s not the kind of self-indulgent whining I like to do. Another clue, count the number of times the word “I” is used. A dead giveaway of hypo or even full mania. It’s times like this it becomes SO obvious that I’m just not right.

This summer has been a blur. I have accomplished NOTHING. I don’t know if it’s my meds or a progression of illness, but it’s been awful. I have done almost none of the things that bring me pleasure all summer long. I have not fished, except for a single camping trip. I have not taken the bicycle out of the garage all summer. I have not walked, have not done yard work, haven’t even been able to clean the garage. I’ve done NOTHING. And because I haven’t been able to keep up on even minor cleaning and maintenance, I feel so much like a failure. My yard is full of weeds, my house is filled with junk, and I react to it by getting either manic or depressed, both of which are equally crippling for me.

My wife’s mother had a stroke and moved in with us several months ago. She just recently acknowledged that it’s time to sell her house and move on. So this week my wife has been working with her siblings to get the house cleaned out and ready to sell. They’re cleaning out 40+ years of accumulation. Her mom is taking it well, better than I would. Can you imagine accumulating stuff your entire life then watching it all get tossed in a dumpster? This has been a very stressful time for everyone.

Then, I start a new job this week. I’ve been with my current employer for 7 years and just took a new position with a competitor. It happened so quickly, and I feel so impetuous for doing things this way. I took this job as a contract with option to hire. I took it without knowing the benefits package, how much the end employer will offer me when (and if) they hire me, and without knowing exactly what I will be doing. All I know is the interview “clicked”, and 2 hours later my recruiter was calling me with an offer.

So I have a HUGE life change happening with the new job. They wife has relatives in town. The house looks like shit because I’m not capable of taking care of it right now. The wife let someone into our bedroom to use the bathroom in there. I’m working on that master bedroom bathroom (have been for 3 years) so it’s a mess, no bathroom door, tools and clutter everywhere. And she let’s someone in there. That triggered an instant mania. In a HUGE way. She knew it would happen, and she did it anyway. It’s her way of punishing me for not being more supportive of what she is going through with her mother. We had her relatives over for dinner, but I wanted to crawl under a rock and die. Or leave, start driving and never look back. Or drive off a bridge. But I couldn’t, to do so would graphically illustrate the imbalance I’ve tried my entire life to hide. So I suck it up and try to maintain.

It’s times like these that I just want to say “fuck it” and leave everything behind. All the stresses. All the clutter. All the baggage. All the shit that causes so much pain. All the stuff going on in my brain. But I won’t. I’ll suck it in, choke it down, and move on. I don’t have to like it, though.


Dream Writer said...

For me, my summer just plain old sucked! I wonder if the summer season has anything to do with a bipolar high or low? My shrink did tell me something about it, but I totally forgot.

Don't be so hard on yourself. Things will get done all in good time.

You need to take the time to heal and rest...I believe that our bodies tells us things by how it reacts. Both the body and mind are connected.

Great blog!

krazykitty said...

Please don't be so hard on yourself. Such is life when you suffer from BP disorder. I have accomblished absolutely nothing this summer, but thats okay, its not over yet and you never know what tommorrow may hold. Chin Up!

Jon said...

Thanks dream writer and krazykitty! I very much appreciate you taking the time to read and leave a comment. I have added a link to both of your blogs.

Dream Writer said...

Thanks Jon - as soon as I get to my husband's office, I am going to add all my links to my blog. I will link you, too as well:-)

Smythe said...

That post was so honest it was gut wrenching-but still like the others said don't take it all on so hard--I will go just fine like sixty for days at a time and then almost suddenly (probably not) but usually feels that way--I wll be exhausted, crabby and ready to crawl into bed until I recover. My father always said," the main thing is not to get excited!" He probably wasn't bipolar.

Jon said...

Thanks Smythe, it's getting a little better the last few days, but still not good.

I've also linked to your blog, you're a very prolific blogger, with some interesting stuff!

jane said...

Jon, You've got a shitload on your plate right now, I hope you know that. You do so much, so, SO much & are such an inspiration for others, especially myself.
I normally won't write about problems w/Tarzan & I just cuz I don't like to hear others criticize him. So, keeping that in mind, I will just say: I think it was very uncool of your wife to do something that would intentionally put you into mania.
Now...I'll shut up.
Take care & please don't be so hard on yourself.

Jon said...

Thanks Jane. Your policy of not writing about your spouse is a good one. But sometimes I just have to get it out. And in general she is pretty thougthtful and cognizant of my disorder.

Ms Peculiar said...

You are going through a lot of triggers, it's a good thing you have your blog to vent. We understand and are in it too. My spouse KNOWS what triggers me too. That is why I don't talk bad about him on my blog, I just mention that I am "going through a divorce, or Thinking about making a huge life change" and he reads my blog, so he stops.
(bad aint I)
Rock on Jon. Home repairs suck and so does mania. But your blog is cool, so are you and thats all that matters.
Thanks for visiting on mine as well!

Mr. 12 Step said...

You're a good man for taking care of business.

Smythe said...

Where are you, JON?

Jon said...

Thanks all for your support.

Ms P and Jane - I feel bad for mentioning my wife in the way I did, but when it has to come out, I write it. I regret some of what I write for this reason. But I have to admit it is therapeutic.

M12S - While I do appreciate your comments, I don't really feel like a good man...

Smythe - I'm around. Still depressed but getting better. I made a commitment to so my first obligation is my blog there. If I have any words left in me, or am in particular need of a therapeutic outlet I post here. I also post here if it's a topic I can't post there for one reason or another. Head on over there and let them know you're reading!

Thanks to all!