How is it that you can be depressed, yet have a mind moving at the speed of light, and a body that is so full of nervous energy it can't stop moving? I hate these "mixed episodes".
Thursday, September 20, 2007
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This is a blog about living with bipolar disorder, family, work, politics, current events, technology and programming, music and pop culture. As a Product Of The Seventies, it's also about that, and the remaining brain cells that are constantly struggling as a result. All thrown together by a mind that's been ridden hard, and put up wet
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10 comments:
I know. My thinking is that this is psychosis, only psychosis that I can differentiate from what should be (with effort). I have my occasional hallucinations, and honestly I'd rather have that than mixed symptoms. My doctor tells me mixed episodes are the hardest for her to watch.
Partly I resent it, because every time a mixed episode starts (really every episode will become mixed for me by history) then I know a really obnoxious game of "med switch" starts. Last week I had to give up a bunch of antidepressant because I was so manic. Now I'm depressed but STILL manic. This leaves a distinct question of what was gained?
I've tried to explain it has having no energy and being propelled to move, move, move 20plus hours per day.
I'd love to know the chemical story or to see a PET scan of a mixed brain. I suspect the damage is a whole different thing than BPI without mixed episodes (all other things being equal).
You may be right, the "mixed" brain may be different - that wouldn't surprise me at all. I believe the manic brain is significantly different than those that suffer significant bipolar depression.
I had an interesting thing happen last night because of this, it may take me a day or two to write it up, though.
totally got this one down. dead tired, cannot sleep, and pacing feeling like i cant walk one more step.all the while feeling not really depressed but certainly not energetic, considering the pacing and constant need to move.not really moving either.restless, and increased anxiety level. i never really thought about 'mixed' i was just actually fearing the fall spin up, last year was awful for the manic sleepless nights and it ended up with the roaring loud mind that caused me to go to the PCP and beg for a shot [totally not like me] in desperation not to end up in the ER. [didnt get a shot, and in the ER I flipped out when they offered me ativan.
this is probably too long and off topic, which is another tip that i need to pay attention here. thanks for bringing up 'mixed' state of mind, i really havent been in this long enough to notice shifts like this.
Yes. They suck. I have a theory about why they happen, but that's a slight comfort.
Stephany - It happens to me every year. Last year I determined to not let myself get caught in it again, and I started warning my pdoc about it early summer. Except I remembered it as depression, and it is. But I had forgotten the mania also. He pulled out a mood chart from last year, showed it to me, and said it didn't look like depression. Consequently, he didn't prescribe anti-depressants, not that it would help or that I would even want them. But next time I see him I'm going to make sure he understands what I'm facing.
Amanda - a great post. It's something I agree with, cycles within cycles. This quote is right on: "Upward spikes are not always an indicator of happiness and/or euphoria."
Further sympathies....I just sat through a therapy session where the entire hour practically was spent trying to figure out what was wrong with me. I feel and my thinking is manic but the psychologist said I looked and sounded depressed even though my cognitive problems were manic. Welcome to this episode changing over......
It did give me a little more insight though; I realized as I got home that I partly was holding back the manic stuff so hard it probably did look the other way. I physically can feel it now. I have no idea why. I think I'm scared to fall apart. I know I'm allowed crazy thoughts as long as I'm not a danger to myself, but it doesn't mean I like to share them.
Anyway, my deepest empathy, hope you're ok.
checking in here, how is it going now? some of the comments reminded me of last year in December when my mind was wildly manic--and the psych said i was off the charts depressed. It made no sense to me then, and its very tiring when both happen at once, i imagine most of us are not sleeping well when this stuff hits. my mind has slowed down now, and so its even with the depression, and oddly im sleeping better. But then maybe thats depression symptom.
Just Me - I'll be OK, I hope YOU'RE OK.
Stephany - I'm still not normal, but things bearable now. These mixed episodes are so hard to read.
Thanks both for your comments.
Mixed episodes are the worst.
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