Friday, November 09, 2007

Self Realization

First, I feel better than I have in the last few months. I am SO glad my SAD finally lifted.

I originally started this post with an apology to my blogging friends for not getting around to your blogs, not commenting, and not being a good friend. Then I stopped and realized it's who I am, that I'm not capable of being that kind of friend, and probably never will be. I can't take on other's problems when I can't handle my own. It's this way even with my wife, when she gets sick or depressed, I just can't handle it. To a lesser degree she's the same with me, when I've been in a bad way I've pushed her away in the past. She's gotten conditioned to rejection and nastiness. I'm a good-time friend, I'm a great motivator, I can make people feel welcome, I can make people feel good about themselves, I will try to remember your name and use it whenever I see you. I'm a lot of good things, but I'm not a hard-times friend. Not that I'm allowing myself to escape working on this part of my personality, but it's liberating to understand that this isn't a failure, it's the way I am.

Edited:
That last paragraph didn't sound good. I want friends, I just can't be a good friend in every scenario. I read about people who get offended when their friends aren't supportive enough, or aren't there for them, or don't understand their disorder. That's asking a lot of a friend, in my opinion. I expect nothing from my friends that I can't provide. Honesty and basic integrity is all I seek in a friend. That and a decent taste in music, or let me pick the tunes when we're together...

Had a pdoc appointment yesterday, and he talked me into crossing a bridge I wasn't comfortable in crossing. After 2 years of him suggesting, I finally agreed to Lithium. He suggested 600 mg, I asked for half of that, and he agreed. He says there's a synergistic effect with Lamictal, he called it "Lamithium". I also finally admitted my role as a blogger, and writer for HealthCentral. I was worried he might think I was living my diagnosis, and to be honest I thought I might be. But after a few years I realize that's not the case, I'm living with it in the way that works for me.

I'm glad to have this outlet, whether or not I'm able to be a nurturing part of the community.

5 comments:

broke said...

So glad you are feeling better.... I've been a lousy blogger too recently in terms of commenting. I still read loads though. Anyway, keep strong if you can... and I will too ;)
B
PS you might be interested in this http://www.bbc.co.uk/blogs/ipm/2007/11/blog_therapy.shtml

G.J. "Jon" Gregory said...

Broke - what an honor! You deserve it.

Just Me said...

I don't think operating within the parameters of illness makes you a hard times friend. It means you're being real. I had a hard time accepting that if someone couldn't accept me when I said I was too tired then they weren't a friend. But it's true.

I think believing otherwise falls into that whole division between mental and physical illness thing.

broke said...

Thanks jon ;) (there will be a podcast available on the BBC site)
Hope your day is going well - take care
B

Stephany said...

The milligram dose doesn't matter when using Li it's the blood level. 1.0 is therapeutic, though alongside a 2nd mood stabilizer, .7 might make you feel better.It's like Depakote; it's about the blood work levels. When you get a blood work done, it's in the AM before your morning dose, or 12 hours after the last one. Make sure to drink 2 quarts or more of water a day. Heat and exercise can throw off an Li level.
Frankly, I've not heard of Li and Lamictal used together, but as we know I'm not a doctor, just been around the block with my daughter about 8 years.[and about all meds possible].
Good luck. Regarding friends: exactly, the point you make regarding "too much to ask"...I know from experience my life is way too overwhelming for people to even be around me. I Don't expect anyone to carry the burden. Actually it's probably better to forge ahead by ourselves, because that makes us stronger.[maybe].
I agree, that you do not need to make excuses, and I admire the honesty of what a "hard-times" friend is vs. "good-times". Forgive my intrusion with information you probably don't need, but I can't help myself sharing what I know.
drug digest dot org is a good site with a drug interaction tool, that you can use to see if the meds have any problems being used together with anything else you might be taking, even vitamins.