Monday, May 05, 2008

Scared

As I mentioned earlier, I just started a new job. Like most of you out there, I'm not lacking in intelligence. Intelligence seems to be a bipolar trait. But for the first time in my life, I feel inadequate in that respect. I started a month of classroom training, and I'm being left in the dust. I'm no stranger to classrooms, I have a bachelors degree, went back for a technical associates, and have taken several other classes since. After my bachelors, I never received a grade lower than A. I HAVE to be one of the best in the class, it's my nature, there is no other option. But at this point I'm not fighting to be the top in the class, I'm struggling to survive.

This has been an obsessive concern of mine over the last several years, that my meds are slowing me down mentally. I suspected it, but never had a way of quantifying or validating those concerns. After today I'm as certain as I can be. Unless I'm in class with a bunch of damn Einsteins there's no way they're all going to be sharper than me.

I'm more than a little scared.

6 comments:

Stephany said...

I'm sure you'll do fine, though I understand the apprehension.

Shiv said...

All the best and good luck, I'm sure you'll be fine :)

~Shiv

Stephany said...

i'm going to say something no one wants to hear; but being close to 50 is a bad card to deal; i'm 48 and tell it like it is; med fog or not, we are in a market we should have been/and were/ for jobs when we were 19, 20. etc.

This is why, you must push thru the fog and kick ass.


There's more to it than the meds...ya know?

Bradley said...

I can so relate to what you are saying. I'm scared to death that I might get "better" because then I'll have to go back to work. It makes it kind of a vicious circle, huh?

I'm glad to hear someone is out there doing it. It may be tough, but you're doing it. Pat yourself on the back.

Jon said...

Thanks all for your kind comments.

Stephany - you're right, there is more to it than meds. And I'm giving it everything I have. There's a LOT at stake.

I finished my first week of training WAY behind everyone else. I hope I make it...

Anonymous said...

It does sound scary. I would think you'd need to be high functioning to go back to work. I'm mid-low right now, trying to get to medium. Which it's been a long time since I've been there. I think maintenance medication and drinking a good amount of water every day is the best bet. I think a lot of psychiatrists over prescribe the dosage. Some people have inflammation problems that too many chemicals react to, and in your brain inflammation just feels like you're going crazy or insane. You may not have that problem, but I thought I'd throw it out there. Good luck.