Friday, May 16, 2008

It's Very Clear

It's very clear, at least to me, that I have lost some cognitive ability in the last several years. I just finished my second week of training on the new job and it's not been pretty. We are working examples along with the instructor, and the class is waiting for me at every step. I am that old person that I used to hate when I was younger because they slowed me down. Back then I moved a million miles an hour, and could accomplish anything. It's not that way anymore. The problem is, I know what I used to be, and it's hard to accept less.

Now I'm not saying this to elicit sympathy. While frustrating, I'm finding this quite interesting. I think, whether right or wrong, that this is a result of my treatment. From the time I took my first psych med I've been fascinated by what each med does to me. Some meds have been helpful, some have been horrifying. My current scenario is another way I've been impacted by psych meds. I'm NOT saying it's a mistake to be taking psych meds, I firmly believe my family is much better off since I began treatment. But it's made me average, or maybe even a little below average in some ways. And that's hard to take.

Enough for this week. It's Friday and this will be a great weekend.


Bradley said...

Jon, I'm sweating the day that I have to go back to work. I use to type 65 words a minute and now I'm lucky if I can get a coherent sentence out.

I am trying to get back to working web design so I can work at my own pace, but sometimes I think if I was somewhere I had to be pushed would be a better idea.

I know you were very nervous about this. I hope it works out for you.

Janes Insane said...

It is really choosing the lesser of 2 evils. Recently I've noticed how horrible my memory is, mainly short-term, but I dare not mention this to my pdoc because I don't trust him & god only knows what he might put me on.
Don't you think you could also be slower because you're older? Seeing ourselves, kind of from the outside looking in, you know... being aware that we're not what we used to be, is a very strange experience. One I don't like at all.
It's too bad none of these meds help us cope better AND improve our memory, or brain activity.

Anonymous said...

Hey, New jobs always take about two months before things click. Take it easy.

Anonymous said...

Jon, I'm sitting here with tears running down my face because I'm in the same place you are.

Things that used to be so easy are so challenging.

I can't stand to go talk to my pdoc because I don't want any more drugs. And last time I saw him, out of the blue, he suggested he might have been wrong about the diagnosis and we might have to start all over again.

So thank you for your words. I'm sorry you're feeling the way you are, but it was comforting to me to know that I'm not alone.

Sending good thoughts to you.


Analyzing Life said...

The side effect I struggle with is searching for words.
I can't speak a complete sentance without stretching to grasp a word I intend to spit out.
Simple words, the van, flowers, bread ect.
It sucks not being able to speak without struggle.

Janes Insane said...

Analyzing Life, are you by any chance taking Topamax?

Analyzing Life said...

No I've never taken Topomax.
I take Seroquel and Zoloft.