You hear about the incredibly high suicide rate among those suffering from bipolar disorder, and you have a hard time comprehending it. Then at some point you realize that you are too tired fighting with this damn disorder and any kind of relief would be a huge welcome.
Don't worry, I'm not particularly suicidal. I don't have time for it...
Tuesday, June 27, 2006
The Battle
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4 comments:
Fortunately, I don't often become suicidal. And more fortunately, when I do, I usually don't have the energy. But it is a pain to have there, in our closet, knowing that it may come out at any time. And it does get old.
Sage - I hear you, but some of me can't help but wonder if something like hospitalization wouldn't be a relief at times. I mean, a period of time where you don't have to worry about anything? This is totally beyone my realm of comprehension.
Jane - for one reason or another I haven't been capable of suicide. But the feelings continue, and you would do ANYTHING to get some relief. Will there ever be a point where the need for relief outweighs everything else? I hope not...
Jon, yes, hospitalization WAS a huge relief for me when I was suicidal. The surroundings were horrible, but the weight of the world was lifted from my shoulders.
I do NOT want to encourage you, but it was exactly like you said. I did NOT want to die, I simply wanted to end the "inner torture" - for months. It had come down to picking which way of a few decided ways to do it and when, not if. I only wanted peace.
You should go to your doctor right away and explain how you feel. It's the only thing that keeps me taking my medication every day - seriously. I can't let myself get that low again because I honestly don't know if I'd make it back.
Once you're that depressed, you lose hope that you can even GET better anyway, and it took a family member calling my psychiatrist to "tell on me".
Going to the hospital is anything but a sign of weakness. It's a sign of courage. Who wants to be known for going to the psych ward, knowing it's an unpleasant place to be? But it can show you how much courage you actually have, that nothing can break you, and it was truly a great experience in retrospect (if you can get over the surroundings unless you get lucky and have a nice living arrangement).
KS - thanks so much for your comments and concerns. That's the beauty of this community, the number of caring people out there. It's an instant support group.
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