Friday, June 30, 2006

Friday Shorts

I'm posting this be email, at work I can't access blogger, our "surf Nazis" have blocked the site.  They have also blocked comments – I can't read comments or comment from work.  I know I have comments out there to respond to, but they'll have to wait.

Had a terrible night last night.  Lately I'm not sleeping well, vivid dreams are affecting my sleep.  Most of the dreams are quite uncomfortable.  Last night it was a dream of a rocket launch.  I was at our local airport watching a major rocket launch.  The rocket lifted off, but lifted slowly, and looked like it just didn't have power to make it into space.  It got up a ways, and started to lose velocity.  I'm saying out loud "Oh, this isn't good."  It flew straight for a while, then flew right into the ground and made a huge explosion.   It crashed in a direction that indicated it might have been close to my home, so I tried to get to my vehicle.  But the vehicle was on the airfield, and with the planes taking off and landing I could not get to my vehicle.  Very disturbing.  And yes, the significance of this dream is not lost on me.  A symbol such as a rocket that can't quite make it up, tries hard, and ends up crashing and burning.  Everyone else is coming and going, soaring and landing, and I'm stuck in the grass.  It was a panic type of feeling.  While the crash and burn has not actually happened to me, my meds have taken away enough desire that the rocket wouldn't have even made it to the launch pad.   That's probably the reason for the stuck vehicle.  Oh well, it could be worse – I think – or could it?

My 22 year old bipolar son Kyle got a job!  Great company, a major telecom everyone has heard of.  Good money, full benefits after 30 days, they know about his arrests and everything.  He'll be in the call center – call center work is difficult and draining emotionally and physically.  He's done it before and really didn't like it.  But we have had a discussion that after 30 days he's eligible for full insurance coverage and he needs to get hooked up with a Pdoc IMMEDIATELY once this comes about.  This will begin his meds that will possibly allow him to keep this job through the manic periods that have caused him to walk away from his previous jobs.   So let's hope it works…

A few posts ago I hinted at thoughts of suicide.  Let me set the record straight, as I have family members and kids that read this from time to time, and I don't want them worried.  I also don't want to minimize the process either.

The notion of suicide ideation is common.  In other words, you have thoughts and ideas pertaining to suicide.  Ideation is one thing, implementation is something entirely different.   Ideation is absolutely nothing you can control, and it's actually a good gauge for frame of mind and mental health.  If the thoughts come, you know to watch carefully.  I let my wife know, and I try to stay on top of it.  Recently, I have had days where I've been tortured with racing thoughts, anxiety, irritation, nervous tics and an over-abundance of nervous energy.  Combine this with a lack of sleep so your physical energy level is down.   The ideation was absolutely there.  Then Sage's comment about hospitalization, and I'm thinking how tired I was, how tortured my mind had been recently, and the thought of  being someplace where there were no worries, no responsibility, and where there was relief from my tortured mind was strangely attractive.   But I'm not going anywhere, you can count on it.

How about Rush Limbaugh being nabbed for another prescription drug violation?  Carrying a prescription of Viagra written for someone else.  He's given an ultimatum, and can't abide by the court's orders.  I mean, how hard could it be?  (Rimshot!)

Everyone have a great weekend, and for those in the USA have a great Independence Day!


KansasSunflower said...

You have an appointment soon with your pdoc, right? I know you don't have PLANS for suicide, and it's normal for people to think about it now and again, and you're right, it's not time for you to be hospitalized. But it IS time to mix up the "cocktail" a bit, don't you think? Your doctor should know about this, at the very least, and you should be a "responsible bipolar" and tell him/her what you're thinking...I'm just concerned, please don't be mad. There's an order to everything, the next step in the process may be much more serious and may be incapacitating mentally. It's my own personal demon, and I can tell you're minimizing the issue you have. It really is a big deal. Don't take it lightly - go to the doctor, and then report back in your blog so we can all learn from your experience! :-)

Jon said...

KS - thanks for your concern. Actually today I felt pretty good. I cycle so rapidly, I could blog about being in the depths of depression one day, and the next day be battling mania. My meds have been pretty good to me. I'm on a fairly low dose of Lamictal, and just added a very low dose of Risperdal. While the highs and lows still come, they are significantly tempered. Ideation comes and goes, but I think it does for all of us. And ideation comes as surely with mania as it does with depression. But for me ideation is nothing more than a thought, and a sign to start paying attention so things don't escalate into a major mania or depression.

Sage said...

My Pdoc switched me off from Lexapro to Welbutrin and upped my Topamax 50%. I started with this Doc back in November and have lost 58lbs. Was 316 on November 15th and today am 258 lbs. No dieting intentionally just happening with these meds I guess. Not complaining as everyone else notices it, I don't until I get dressed in shorts and find them falling off. Shirts are looking better too.
The problem still persists though, cycling down, however Dammit the HIGHS aren't there anymore. I'm not going to stop my meds as many people do but the temptation is most certainly there.
I still can't comprehend the concept of just letting go and going in the Hospital. Its too much like incarceration in my mind. My BP lead me to a marijuana bust 30 years ago and the loss of Freedom was/is way too much to handle. In my dazed and confused mind (LED ZEPPLIN)I would rather be scattered to the 4 winds than lose that cherished part of life. Until one loses that it is incomprehensible to truly understand from where I speak. Althouh I will admit I have not experienced hospitalization, my understanding is locked doors and lack of ability to come and go as one wishes. So that pretty well explains it to me. I'll pass.

Jon said...

Sage - congrats on your weight loss!

I am lucky - a bipolar who has never been arrested, so I don't have that experience to draw on. And I really don't want to be hospitalized, I was kind of fantasizing of a scenario with no responsibility or worries. But that will never happen.

jane said...

I like that you keep it honest, yet explain yourself. I hope you're doing alright.
Excellent news about Kyle!

Idea Magnet said...

About Kyle,

I've worked in a call center so I know how tough it can be. I burnt out after a full month of non-stop calls for 10 hours straight. The day I quit I had a depressed panic attack on my way to work. I called my wife, freaked out, and said that I can't go there anymore.

So I became a substitute teacher for a while. Sometimes I would skip jobs 'cause I just couldn't go.

Now I have a career with a real job in the field I got my degree in. I always go even if I think I can't.

I believe there is hope for Kyle in the working world. No matter what the past has in it.

About you,

Just keep yourself open and honest with everyone and I think you'll be fine. If you think about suicide more please share.

I think it's better to share here than anywhere even if family members read. If I'm thinking about it I'd post it here first instead of threatening in front of my wife. That's bad--trust me I've done it enough. It's somehow better for her to read it on my blog and for us to talk about it.

I hope you're feeling better.

Connie said...

Hey you. It has been awhile. Ijust hope that maybe you read this. My father committed suicide. I was the one he spoke to the last months of his life. All I can say is that whatever you are thinking or going through or not, whatever, I am here to listen if you choose. I care for a fellow man, no strings attached, no emotional shit, no inventory, I am here. Burnout is a bitch. Connie