Wednesday, July 18, 2007

Bad Weekend Experience

Had a pretty bad experience over the weekend. Because my agreement with Health Central precludes me from double posting content, I'll leave a link:
Mania and Rage

The moment you think things are going well and you're in control, bipolar disorder can slap your ass right back down to the ground. The disorder likes to make it abundantly clear who is REALLY in charge. All we can do is try to keep our demons happy, so they don't take control.


gen said...

i'm just going to tell you something..your blogs were one of the biggest reasons why i was so aggressive in getting myself help. aside from reading about kyle, with whom i seem to share a very common bond, i've learned that i also share that bond with you.

i understand exactly what you wrote about and exactly what you were feeling. i really do. whenever i attempt to describe my mania to anyone, i always have to preface it by stating that my mania is atypical. then i have to further explain that i am full of rage, where it comes from i'm not sure, and that it scares me and breaks me into pieces.

i'm so sorry that you had to endure your rage over the weekend, especially at the same time kyle was experiencing his. it must be so incredibly difficult, but you seem to be one of the strongest individuals i've ever known (albeit virtually)..and i never doubt that you'll pull through and have an amazing lesson for me to read.

always here..

Jon said...

Even though things are improving in many ways, something like this happens and it takes something away from me. It's like I lose a little bit of what I thought I was, and move even further towards what I really don't want to be. I fooled myself into thinking that part of my life was behind me, but now I don't think it will ever be gone. And that's pretty hard to handle.

I appreciate the kind words, but my strength is no more than yours. You have been through a lot, so much more than I had at your age. You also seem to have it together, and I admire that.

Kyle and I are spending a day together Saturday, going to an outdoor concert. I look forward for the chance to really talk to him. I enjoy talking to him as much as anyone alive.

Thanks again Gen.

Anonymous Mom said...

jon, the good news is, if anyone on earth will understand what you're feeling when in a rage - it's kyle.
your family motto could be, a family that rages together, stays together. it must be very difficult for the rest of the family though.

don't beat yourself up over it. you do have bipolar disorder. kyle has bipolar disorder. the rage will break through sometimes.

it seems to be a common experience that too much noise, too many people, and too much expectation will overwhelm sensitive folks such as you and kyle. what you can take from this experience is to know that you still do not tolerate this well, and try to avoid these situations when hypomanic. you just never know when that flip is going to switch.

hugs to you & your family

Stephany said...

Just a thought here. Did you feel the rage coming on? edgy stuff, that boiling point rising? the "I want to rip my hair out" it's too noisy and too crowded in here feeling? because for me, that is when I go outside, and if in a restuarant or place like that, I go into the ladies room to escape the noise and focus. Noise, crowds all of that can be triggers and for me, right now I even know when it's time to leave the visit at my daughter's hospital, because it's so noisy in there. I've never gotten to the point of rage you write about here, but was just thinking outloud, that if you felt it coming on, maybe a quick walk around the block could be a way to stop that train. Does this make sense? I also appreciate how you write about this, and how you are creating a relationship with your kids and family that is based on communication.

Jon said...

Thanks, AM. You're right, Kyle does understand. No matter what happens to him, he forgives. He's the most loving, most forgiving person I've ever known.

Stephany - When I'm hypomanic, which I frequently am, I feel that way regularly. I seem to always be walking the knife edge, but I've avoided falling off the rage side for a long time now. Avoidance is always my best approach, and I usually do walk away from explosive situations. But this time I didn't...

Stephany said...

oh I hope i didn't sound like a know-it-all. I was just thinking outloud and didnt mean that to sound like that.

Jon said...

Stephany - I didn't take it that way at all.