Last Night's Events

Something happened last night that has never happened to me before. I can't explain it other than to call it an attack of some sort. Anxiety, mania, a combination?

Yesterday wasn't a terrible day, although my truck didn't start. Because I worked I had to ask one of my kids to buy and install a battery for me. This also meant I had to depend on my wife to drive me to and from work. Upon getting home, the house was a disaster. If there is one thing that sets me off it's a trashy house. And this is funny, as I can put off maintenance forever. But show me papers on furniture, an unswept floor, or any number of things and I go ballistic. In our case, we have so much junk our house can't hold it all. And it moves from one room to another. I can walk into the spare bedroom and not even be able to open the door because it's stacked with so much junk. With Karen's Mom coming to live with us (she comes today, by the way), the spare bedroom is clean, but the junk is distributed all over the house. I can't walk through the basement any more, and our downstairs door is unusable due to junk being piled up. Some people, when they close their eyes and think relaxing thoughts might think about beaches, sunshine, or similar. I fantasize about a dumpster in the driveway and walking out with armloads of stuff.

I got home from my part-time job last night, and I hurt all over. I was physically exhausted, as well as mentally. I watched some TV (can't miss Gray's Anatomy), and sat down at the computer to try and write. I ended up just leaning back in the chair, too exhausted to do anything. About 10:30 I got up to go to bed. I hadn't taken my Depakote yet. I got into bed, and my mind took off. It was what I would imagine a bad acid trip to be like. I was completely overwhelmed by various things. First it was excrement, then sludge, then random shapes. I was laying in it, and it kept coming in. Coming at me from everywhere. Totally overwhelming. It was undoubtably brought about by my irritation with the shape of the house right now. My wife is snoring, and my rage was overwhelming. I made her leave the room. She was scared to death. I would sit up and open my eyes and the images would go away, but the rage continued. I considered slamming my head against the bookshelf next to the bed to make it stop. But the physical warmth and comfort of my bed kept calling me back, and I didn't want to get up. So I'd climb back into bed, and it would start again. I finally found some peace, by imagining a bullet to the back of my head. It was amazing - that thought entered my mind, and the peace just rolled in. I was still irritated, but at least the images, voices, and hallucinations were gone. I finally managed to drift off to sleep.

Today I'm a pinch depressed, I think mostly due to guilt over what I experienced last night. It wasn't last night's dose of Depakote that brought it on, I didn't dose until this started. I got up to make it stop, and took my dose.

My wife told me she feared hearing a gunshot from the room, and debated calling 911. I told her there was no way I would have gone with them, it would have taken the police and a taser to subdue me. And I really can't predict what I would have done, but it wouldn't have been pretty, and it wouldn't have been easy. Things would have taken an even nastier turn.

Whatever it was, I never want to experience it again.

My wife wants me to contact my Pdoc, but I'm not going to. If it happens again, maybe. But she did have a good point in that we should have a plan in place in case it happens again. I don't know what that plan would be, I was in no frame of mind to listen to her, or anyone else for that matter.

I can't help but think this was caused by my meds. If this is something I'm going to face regularly, screw that. I'm done with meds. I'll face life head on without them. But if it's something I would have experienced anyway, I'm better off with the meds. I just don't know, and may never know. But if it happens again, I'm done with them. If I make it through that night.