Monday, February 06, 2006

Things Get More Difficult All The Time

Life is not getting easier, the last few years it's getting more difficult. We're right back to the 'meds helping or hurting' question.

Is my bipolar making life more difficult? I've heard that it gets worse as time goes along. Does anyone have any knowledge or information on this? I can say, beyond the shadow of a doubt, that things are absolutely more difficult mentally and emotionally for me than they were 3, 4, or 5 years ago. In fact, it dates to the time I began meds. Things have been a rollercoaster since then. Even when I'm emotionally stable, as I am now, things are still more difficult than they used to be. My memory is fading very quickly, and anxiety levels are rising quickly. I blow up less often than I did, but when I blew up it was only a hour and I was back to normal. Now I don't know what normal is.

I'm not even sure I'm bipolar. Did I merely tell the PDoc what he wanted to hear? What I wanted to tell him? This may be some form of 'sympathy search' for my son's condition. It may be some form of desire to medicate. It may be a pre-emptive coping mechanism to cover an impending fall or failure. All I know is life shouldn't be this difficult. I should be able to spend more time living, and less time analyzing it. It's gotten to be an obsession. This blog, the new Living Bipolar web site, my discussions with my wife, in everything I do this condition is dominating my life. I'd like to go back a few years to when I didn't even know this condition existed. I got by in my ignorance, had a vague understanding of my moods and cycles, and didn't have to worry about it. I lived mostly in the moment, and truly enjoyed life. I'm not so sure I can say that today.

5 comments:

Nilla/Sharla said...

I would like for my brain to be taken out and put into a body that works properly.

I am just like you. I over analyze, stare at, and dissect myself. Life was definately easier when I didn't know what was wrong with me.

All of us get this BP from someone, usually a parent. Mine is my dad. So, Kyle got his from you (although at the moment you are questioning that) and so where did you get yours? Mostly my dad looks only OCD, and his sister is BP. Boils down to 'it runs in the family' kind of thing. My lucky sis got the non-dominant genes. *sigh*

Meds suck. Simply put, even after the meds, you're still in there and yeah- what the hell is NORMAL, anyway? I have a strange sort of warped personality and I don't know if that's who I am, or if I'm doing that "personality of a pickled onion" thing. I don't know. What I do know is that those so-called-normal people don't normally like me. And before the meds and all that I didn't even know and so it didn't hurt my feelings.

Now I feel kind of left out in the dark by myself.

lysie6211 said...

I know how I am without my meds and it's not pretty but I sometimes wonder if that's an emotional addiction, or an addiction all together. Or do I subconsciously act out when not on meds. I do know that since I started this whole thing I do over analyze every single emotion I have and I HATE THAT to death.

Depression runs in my family and I know my great grandfather got worse as he got older.

jane said...

You know, you made me think of something: not a day goes by that I'm not aware of being bipolar. Whether it's wondering if my meds are working, if I'm too up, too down.
I know getting on the right meds is difficult, I know that too well right now.
I am probably wrong in this guess, but just as you aren't sure you're bipolar & I know you don't want to be, that's the same as our sons feel. But they're dealing with it in a denial sense. It must be so hard for them being so young, huh?
Your writings always make me think & inspire me.

oh btw, I've figured out what I'm doing about the blogger thing. thank you for all of your effort.

Jon said...

Some great input. Nilla / Lysie, great insight. Jane - I hadn't thought of it that way with respect to my son. Glad you posted.

Belinda said...

As I watched Alex down his 6 (SIX!!) Depakote in one fell swoop tonight, so matter-of-factly, and take his Abilify, etc., my heart just suddenly and unexpectedly swelled up with love and appreciation for him. I don't know if he ever "forgets" it--I doubt it--but I know I don't, and the first little thing that happens that reminds me of the "bad times" can send me into an instant tailspin. I expect that will get better with time, but I need to work on appreciating all that has changed, and how he works at it daily, without a thought of giving up. (He's blogging a little now, too, of which I am very glad, if anyone wants to stop by and encourage him--link at the top on my site.)