Monday, February 20, 2006

Self Destructive Behaviors

Anyone else suffer from self-destructive behaviors? I don’t mean cutting or suicide attempts or anything like that. I mean just behavior that undermines or sabotages your best interests.

My whole life it’s been this way. I was on a fast track to huge success, and pissed it away. Did a few stupid things, and got sidetracked by other interests. It’s like when things get rolling, and success is imminent, I do something stupid and things fall apart. It’s been this way my entire life, and seems to be the same way with my son Kyle. If things start going too well, he just walks away. He’s done this on several jobs, he just leaves. I don’t do that, but I have done some stupid things.

This is why I’m trying SO HARD not to be sidetracked by other interests and activities. But I’m really nervous right now. I don’t know why, I haven’t done anything TOO stupid lately, and I don’t have any plans, but things just don’t feel right. I have this feeling like I just want to bust loose. It’s not a hypomanic type of feeling, in fact I’ve been kind of down the last few days. But something inside is pushing me, and it’s scaring me. I can’t afford a screw-up right now.

4 comments:

The Queen said...

I do that all the time. I have run two businesses that were doing rather well into the ground, as well as regularly overspending which is very self destructive.

I think it is just the nature of the illness..

gen said...

jon.. i concur with queen. everything made much more sense to me when i finally realized that a good majority of bipolars job jump.. hobby jump.. and i always thought that it was just me.

it really scares the crap out of me when i get the feeling you're having now. i just try to breathe it through.

big hugs from chicago.

Jon said...

Queen - I've just blogged about my self-employed period. I enjoyed it, but I'm REALLY glad it's over...

Gen - That's the story of my life. A battleground with unfinished projects strewn all over. And that feeling, it's not going away yet. It's been around a week or so. It's like I need to do something big, but I don't know what yet. I am job hunting, and I hope that handles these impulses. I'd hate to see it channelled in another direction.

Maggs said...

i spend. i overeat. i'm a flake and can't stick with anything. yeah, that sums it up