Tuesday, October 18, 2005

Feeling Human Again

Finally later tonight I'm starting to feel normal again. My appetite is back, and I'm not queasy any more. That's good, because I have a LOT of lost time to make up at work.

I've been thinking about this bipolar thing. Why is this anything but a gift? All my life I've thought I was different than most, and I always thought it was intelligence and confidence. I see now it's been my bipolar disorder that has enhanced my life. Yes, I've submarined careers due to other interests or obsessive behaviors. I've never had a dime to my name, even though I've made some decent money at times in the past. I've done some things I regret, and alienated some people I regret, but I think we've all done that. But on the whole, I think my life is enhanced due to this condition.

First, I know how to have fun. I know how to cut loose, and pull the people around me in also.

Second, it's allowed me free-range mind function. I'm just now figuring out how to use that in a productive way, and I'm excited about the prospects. In the past I medicated it and had fun with it that way.

Third, it's given me higher than average (or so it seems) "adult interest", and a lack of inhibitions, and my wife enjoys that.

Fourth, since learning about this and learning to recognize and even harness my hypomanic states, these phases are like being on speed non-stop without the downside.

Depressions come, but I know they won't last long and I just have to ride them out. I become aware of my cycles, and that helps me deal with it.

Finally, I get so much more done than others, because I need so much less sleep.

Now it's not all positive.

I can be a real jerk to my wife. I get so mean sometimes she can't stand it.

Rage comes much too easily, and hits so hard it's scary.

I'm easily distracted, and that tempers what could be very productive hypomanic states.

I get into phases, where I obsessively do something. It's been many things in the past, from golf, to exercise, to computer programming, to fishing (I could have earned a living as a professional fisherman if I had wanted to put the family through that) to other things. I have to be constantly aware of something taking too much of my time and focus.

The depressions can be very difficult, but once again I just have to remember I'll cycle through it.

So balancing it all out, I think I'm a pretty lucky guy.

But I'm also still in a hypomanic state of mind. We may revisit this in another 2 weeks...