Monday, October 31, 2005

Riding The Waves

It's funny how I seem to understand my moods and cycles so much better now that I've come to grips with my bipolar disorder. Before, I would wonder why I couldn't keep my interest going on something for any length of time. Now I know why. I know that when I'm hypomanic I can harvest it and ride it for all it's worth in a positive way. When I'm down, I know it's a natural thing, and I'll be back up shortly. A couple of weeks ago I was writing up a storm - maintaining 3 blogs, writing short stories, and really cranking out the material. I started this blog during that hypomanic period. But about a week ago it stopped - my writing motivation and ideas ground to a halt. And now it's programming. I have very little desire to write words, but I'm cranking out code like a mofo. I'm writing in both and java, although I see more of a practical and professional future for .Net, so that will be my main emphasis. When I finish the programs I'm working on, I will re-write some PHP code on a website for a webhosting business I run. I'm going about it in almost a fanatical pace because...

One of these day's I'll crash.

That crash may be major or minor, it may keep me down for days or weeks. If it's major I'll have to re-think my goal to stay off the psych meds. The last round of meds really fucked up my mind. It caused some actual memory fall-out, and being a bipolar product of the seventies I've already sacrificed more than my fair share of brain cells. I'm hoping my growing knowledge and consciousness will allow me to ride it out. But when a depression sets in, you just can't predict what the mind is going to do. I guess I'll cross that bridge when I come to it. But my wife, God bless her, will be there to give me a push if I get too bad. I couldn't have come anywhere close to succeeding in life without my wife. And by succeeding, I don't mean professionally or financially, I mean day to day happiness and comfort. It's all due to my wife.

One last thing, I've lately avoided the meanness I've had all my life. Not in a physical way, but I'm the sharpest tongued, meanest sumbitch in the world at times. If and when that comes back, I'll have to consider meds again. I won't allow my family to live with me any more than necessary when I get like that.

Enough self-indulgent drivel for one night.