Tuesday, November 22, 2005

Better Day

It's a better day today, but I feel guilty. And embarassed. Guilty for the frame of mind and emotions that had me so wrapped up yesterday. Embarassed for allowing this frame of mind to get the best of me.

It's only been recently that I have learned what is happening to me, researched the symptoms and impact of bipolar disorder, and gained an understanding of my feelings and emotions. I'm not trying to shift blame here, I am ultimately responsible. But hopefully by understanding I can head off bad situations. Although I can't help but wonder if my research and understanding is feeding these symptoms.

Yesterday, my wife read my blog entry and had the house clean when I got home. In effect, read my mood and nipped a bad situation in the bud. I can't tell you the relief I felt walking in and seeing that clean house. I'm not comfortable with this at all, this blog should not be a method of communication between us. I DO NOT want this to become a manipulative tool. But it's embarassing to admit that my emotions have the best of me and I'm walking a thin line.

Last time I was in, I asked the doc if I just needed a kick in the ass. He told me all the kicking in the world won't change a chemical imbalance. I'm still not convinced that this can't be overcome by willpower and the right attitude. It has worked for most of my life. I'll continue to fight the good fight where this is concerned.

3 comments:

jane said...

You've got one heck of a good wife. I'd venture to say she thinks the world of you.
Both my son & brother go without meds, maybe it's a man thing.
Educating yourself, avoiding pitfalls are excellent ways to deal with this disease.
Oh, here's an organization you may find helpful. Some movie star that's bipolar used this method for her bipolar disorder, as opposed to meds:
http://www.orthomolecular.org/

Hope this helps

Jon said...

That's an interesting link, I'll have to spend some time there.

Belinda said...

"I'm still not convinced that this can't be overcome by willpower and the right attitude. It has worked for most of my life."

Not trying to be a smart-alec, but...how WELL has it worked for you in the past? If it had been so great before, would you be looking for different solutions now?