Friendships

This may or may not be a function of bipolar, but it's bothersome.

There is in me a marked inability to form close friendships. There's no lack of friends, I know thousands of people. But the number of close friends I've ever had can be counted on a couple of fingers.

It's not due to an inability to interact - that's not an issue. And certainly not due to being too quiet, or shy, or anything else. Recruiting, organizing - if it involves people I can get it done. And assembling a "posse" - if we share similar interests I can get people to follow me anywhere. But the people are kept at arms length.

The close friendships I've had have always been on MY terms. Do what I want to do, go where I want to go. It just doesn't work for me to do it any other way. The term "control freak" comes to mind.

It would be so cool to have a friend where ideas are shared, where it's an equal relationship, where it's not necessary to keep up an image. Where, for once in my life, I could relinquish control. Where I could open up my house, needing maintenance, older furniture, dirty kitchen and all to a friend without being mortified. My wife, God bless her, is the only one who catches glimpses inside. And she's just now beginning to understand, and to help me understand.

In fact, this blog is a living testament to my frame of mind. It's entirely "I" this, and "me" that. Damn. I accept myself, but it doesn't mean I'm always happy about it.