Monday, November 21, 2005

This Blows

I'm sitting at work, it's after 8:00, and I don't want to go home.

Why?

If I go home, I'll find the house a mess. Guaranteed. My wife is incapable of keeping a clean house, or even asking anyone to pick up after themselves. I'll go home, I'll get upset, and before long everyone will be mad or scared. I'll start ordering people around, may start yelling if things don't get done to my approval or speed, and if it goes really bad, may break something when I fly into a rage. My son's home from college, he'll think it's the same as it always was when he was growing up. It's not, I'm trying hard to be a different person, but when I get like this it's VERY difficult. It's days like this when I wish I had another place I could stay. I'm tempted to get a motel room, but I don't have the money. I don't have anyone else I can stay with, so I'll work as long as I can stand it.

I hate it when I get like this. I turn into the world's biggest prick, and the family pays for it. So, I'll try and wait it out. But that's backfired on me in the past, I've flown into a rage when I got home late and awoke the family to clean in the middle of the night.

I can't help my rages. No matter how hard I try. I can just not talk or say anything, but that's as hard on my family as when I blow up. When the rage comes I'm powerless to do anything about it. My head starts spinning, I semi-black out, and I'm in another zone. I don't get physical when this happens, although it has happened the few times I've been pushed to the limit.

It's times like these when I need medication. I realize and understand that. But the only thing that has ever helped this has been seroquel, and the memory loss that gave me made it impossible to do my job.

With a little luck something will happen to change my frame of mind before I have to leave for home. And with a little luck I can win the lottery too...

5 comments:

jane said...

I agree, I think you definately need meds to help. Don't think I'm trying to be preachy, I have to take them too. But there have to be other meds you can try. These rages will teach others around you that this is the way to handle problems.
You're carrying the world on your shoulders & probably feel unappreciated when you come home to a messy home? I may be totally off. Women, we cry, become 'emotional'. But that helps us so we don't blow a fuse. Men are unfortunately taught to keep this all bottled up inside of them. I hope you've got some way to vent.
If you aren't seeing a therapist (not just a psych) that may be something to consider.
I think your family has a lot on it's plate right now & it's overwhelming. I hope you find a coping mechanism that works for you.

Jon said...

Thanks, Jane. It's not as bad as it used to be, but it's still a problem.

Belinda said...

"When the rage comes I'm powerless to do anything about it. My head starts spinning, I semi-black out, and I'm in another zone."

I'm glad you realize you do need some medication for this problem--and there are SO many things out there besides Seroquel. Seroquel didn't work for Alex either, for some of the same reasons. Abilify has been great for us as the rage-dampening part of the equation, and with no noticeable side-effects.

Keep after your doc, and keep tweaking that med combination/dosage/whatever. There are endless combinations, and you're bound to hit the jackpot eventually.

We are also guilty of a messy house, and here's the heck of it--for the bipolar mind to be at ease, according to our docs, one thing that is essential is an orderly environment. RIght after a regular schedule and plenty of sleep.

Belinda said...
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Jon said...

That's good input Belinda. Thanks. I go to the psych doc next week, we'll see what he says.