Sunday, January 08, 2006

Current Frame Of Mind

This bipolar stuff is a lot like a fighter jet. You're screaming along way up in the clouds, then without warning, the engine dies. You start plummeting. As you're plummeting, you're telling the control tower that you have things in control, you're OK, everything will turn out. But you're watching the altimeter quickly fall with a morbid fascinaton, while fantasizing about how many people will be crying at your funeral. Then the engine starts, and you begin to fly again, at tree-top level, trying to maintain control, and trying to gain altitude before you hit the mountain that's looming in front of you. Then the power kicks back in, you point the nose towards the clouds, give it all the power you can, and pull major G's while you streak towards the ozone. Those G's and that ride make it all worthwile.

With this Lamictal I'm on, I'm now flying a little twin engine plane. I can't fly too high, can't fly too fast, can't fly too low. I just putt along. I really want to fly fast, fly high, pull G's. But I can't right now. Interestingly, things that I wouldn't give a second thought to before are now worrying me. Irritability seems to be higher, as is anxiety. But irritability is no longer focused on people like it was before, but on situations. Anxiety is due to things that would not have bothered me previously. While I suppose this is normal for most people, I can tell you this: I don't much like it. But I stay on the Lamictal, as much as an experiment to see what it does to me as anything. I'm starting to wonder if this is not so much a desire to get "better" as it is a way to make myself feel different for a while.

Or maybe it's just a "manic' precursor to a depression. If so, it's not nearly as severe as before, but I'll have to see if it gets worse.

For fellow bloggers reading this, sorry if I've been somewhat caustic with recent comments. I'm going to avoid making blog rounds for a few days so I don't piss anyone off too badly.

5 comments:

The Queen said...

Jon-

I know exactly the feeling you are having right now which is why I have had a hard time staying on meds consistently. Just know that it will get better. You will be in my thoughts!

Stacy

BipolarPrincess said...

I feel that way, too, since starting lithium. Kind of flat, but I still get the benefits of irritability. At least I'm sick and germy so no one can touch me right now.

Nilla said...

Yeah, I've been on Lithium for almost three years. You get USED to feeling kind of "flat" and "nothingish". It's the only way I can describe it. For months, I got very upset that my former "Talents" seemed to be gone. I couldn't WRITE!! It drove me insane! I cried constantly, saying that my beautiful storytelling talent was all gone and I wanted it back. But I didn't. And I managed to find it again. That "screaming jet" feeling is almost like an addiction. No, I WILL compare it to an addiction because it gives us the same high. It's a struggle to learn to live this way but it can be done. I'm going to change from Lithium to the other one in a couple of months, so this should be interesting.

Jon said...

Thanks all. I'm starting to wonder if my med is really helping with my bipolar. It's helping certain personality traits that may or may not be a product of bipolar. Yesterday I was starting a slide, but it seems to have stopped. I'll know more in a few weeks to a month. I'll blog about it then.

KSHIPPYCHIC said...

Theres the Bipolar theme song - now you need some music to go along with that post and walllla - a hit!