A Few Pictures

It's been a rough 10 weeks, and it's time to post a few pictures.

Our Ryan (Kyle) a couple of years ago.

Ryan (Kyle), his girlfriend, EJ, and his little sister. He was so good with his sisters, the greatest big brother they could ever want.

Ryan (Kyle) and Mom.

It's been a bitch, but everyone is making it through each day. I may do another post in the future about some of the support resources we found.

Thanks To All

Thanks to all for the thoughts, prayers, emails, flowers, and everything else. It means more to us than you'll ever know. Sorry if I haven't personally responded, it's hard enough to tie my shoes.

We're still around, battling through. I may post more later, but wanted to say thanks.

Final Thoughts

My wife used to say that our kids were a stable of thoroughbreds. We had 4 magnificent stallions and a unicorn. The unicorn was beautiful, magical, and enhanced the lives of anyone crossing his path. He was creative and brilliant. He taught us about true forgiveness. He taught us to love unconditionally and not to judge. He taught us to laugh and have fun under any circumstance. Over the years we tried, foolishly, to turn the unicorn into a stallion. The unicorn tried valiantly to become a stallion. We all came to realize that a unicorn is magic, and can’t be kept forever. Kyle was our unicorn, and we were blessed to have him 24 years.

Kyle's (Ryan to us) memorial service was yesterday. There were hundreds of people - so many people they had to set up folding chairs in the hallway outside the door. It was an awe-inspiring testament to the power of his life, and the impact he made on so many people's lives. He packed more living in his 24 years than most people would in 10 lifetimes. The service was beautiful. Kyle was a very spiritual person, and had a couple scripture verses on his wall they incorporated into the service. We sang his favorite hymn - "Life Flows On In Endless Song" at the end. There was a guitarist playing 2 songs by his favorite band, Five Iron Frenzy, "Every New Day" and "If You Could See Me Now". It was wonderful.

Now comes the inevitable soul-searching.

I'm wondering if it was a mistake to medicate Kyle. My wife says absolutely not, it was the right thing to do. His most debilitating symptom prior to treatment was his all or nothing perfectionism that manifested itself in terrible outbursts of temper. Not directed at other people, but at himself. It was so painful to watch. His treatment did take care of that, and we were all thankful.

But as things went on, as so often happens, one med begets another, and before long he has a laundry list of medication. He was medicated to the point he wasn't experiencing life at all. His last 2 weeks seemed to be good weeks for him, but he still seemed over-medicated.

His doctors and care workers were exceptional. This was NOT a case where they callously over-medicated. But Kyle would ask for more and more. He couldn't sleep, or his anxiety was particularly bad, and so forth. The doctors, truly interested in his comfort, would try to help him. This is how he ended up with such a large amount of daily meds.

His death appears to be a freak accident. He fell face first into a coffee table in his room. The TV cord was exposed, and the TV was on the ground. We are guessing he tripped on the TV cord, and fell into the table. This accident could have happened with or without medication or alcohol, so I'm not blaming his death on that.

So why am I questioning if medication was the right choice? It comes down to a quality of life issue. Early in his treatment, when the Lamictal started to balance him and took away his inward-turned angry outbursts it was a very good thing. As things continued, and they added more and more medication, he lost the ability to do many things. Towards the end he was having a hard time leaving the house or meeting anyone. The disabilities he'd acquired were as debilitating as the one's he'd fixed. Having the benefit of hindsight I'm wishing he could have lived his last few months in a different way. Or do I? The last few months were very memorable to my daughters, who would hang out and play games with him every day this summer. The old Kyle would have been gone half of the time, and we'd have been worried constantly.

I will wrestle with this the rest of my life.

If anyone else is in the same boat, take your child for who they are. My wife checked on Kyle every day. She hugged him every day, and told him she loved him every day of his life. Whether he was in treatment or not, or properly medicated or not, is meaningless. It likely didn't impact when he died. What did matter were the people and opportunities that made him feel good about himself. The opportunities his family had to make him feel loved and important. That we can look back and know we hugged and told him we loved him. When it's over, unconditional love is all that matters.

We'll Miss You Kyle

Our son Kyle has left us, he was killed today in an accident in our home. He was 24 years old.

While Kyle suffered terribly at times, he also lived life to the fullest, and loved more deeply than words could describe. My wife used to say, "he was a unicorn in a stable of thoroughbreds."

I'm going to miss you, kid.

Stick A Fork In Me...

Stick a fork in me, I'm done.

Maybe.

I've hit that place where the need and desire to blog is no longer there. My former colleague, advocate John McManamy tells me this is one of the last steps in the recovery process. I suppose he's right, I really want to put this all behind me. I'm tired of having life revolve around my bipolar disorder symptoms.

Let me be clear - this is not to say I've recovered. I'll never be "recovered". But I'll never get any closer by dwelling on my disorder all day every day. This is a necessary step for me to move closer to the mainstream.

Kyle is doing well, and thanks to all who have written and asked. He's moderately stable, and his drinking seems to be diminished. But they have him on benzos for anxiety, and that worries me. It HAS helped him, but I dread the inevitable withdrawal.

I'm having a very hard time responding to emails and comments, and for this I apologize. I've received some long emails from people who are hurting, and I'm not capable of reading the entire message. If I haven't responded to you in a week or two I'm sorry, but I probably won't. My inbox is so full any older messages won't ever make it back to the top of the stack. But I still would like to hear from friends.

I've been blogging long enough to know that most serious bloggers who say goodbye are back within a month. I won't say I'll never post again, but it will be even less frequent than it is now.

Thanks to all for the support and friendship over the years.

It's Very Clear

It's very clear, at least to me, that I have lost some cognitive ability in the last several years. I just finished my second week of training on the new job and it's not been pretty. We are working examples along with the instructor, and the class is waiting for me at every step. I am that old person that I used to hate when I was younger because they slowed me down. Back then I moved a million miles an hour, and could accomplish anything. It's not that way anymore. The problem is, I know what I used to be, and it's hard to accept less.

Now I'm not saying this to elicit sympathy. While frustrating, I'm finding this quite interesting. I think, whether right or wrong, that this is a result of my treatment. From the time I took my first psych med I've been fascinated by what each med does to me. Some meds have been helpful, some have been horrifying. My current scenario is another way I've been impacted by psych meds. I'm NOT saying it's a mistake to be taking psych meds, I firmly believe my family is much better off since I began treatment. But it's made me average, or maybe even a little below average in some ways. And that's hard to take.

Enough for this week. It's Friday and this will be a great weekend.

Officers Leave Man in Shackles in Lobby of Mental Hospital

Officers Leave Man in Shackles in Lobby of Mental Hospital

A Sarpy County judge created a potentially dangerous situation by ordering two deputies to leave a 19-year-old jail inmate with mental problems at a psychiatric hospital, even though the hospital did not have room, a state official said Friday.

The deputies left the man in shackles in the hospital lobby.

Sarpy County Attorney Lee Polikov defended Judge Robert Wester's decision, saying that the Lincoln Regional Center should have had the bed space needed to accommodate the man.

"I think what's out of line is that the system doesn't have adequate facilities for mental care," Polikov said. "I can't speak for the judge, but I'm not sure what his alternatives were."

Wester determined Thursday that the man was incompetent to stand trial and told Sarpy County Deputies John Sorensen and Ken Miller to transport him to the Lincoln Regional Center. The man was in court on an assault charge and a couple of traffic offenses.

People are routinely held at the regional center until they are considered mentally prepared for trial.

When deputies arrived at the regional center, officials there told them there was no room for the man. The deputies notified the judge, who told them to leave the man there or go to jail themselves for being in contempt of his orders, said Sarpy County Sheriff Jeff Davis.

"The judge said, 'Look, I gave you an order, and you've got to walk away,'" Davis said. "He said, 'I'm giving you an order, and if you defy that order, you'll be in contempt.'"

This is incomprehensible. But given the county, no surprise. This county contains Offutt Air Force Base, the home of Stratcom. It's a well-populated county, yet the entire criminal justice system of Sarpy County Nebraska is so harsh, ignorant, and backwards, it's mind boggling.

Angel Food

There's a program in the US called Angel Food. I first heard about it when my son wrote a newspaper article about a small town in Iowa doing this. Then our local DBSA chapter started talking about it. It's a wonderful program to buy food VERY inexpensively.

Food is sold in units, and units are $30.00. The unit contains a variety of food, relatively healthy choices, and should sustain a family for a week or so. Below is this month's menu:

2 lb. Fully Cooked Meatloaf
1 lb. Beef Fajita Strips
3 lb. Breaded Frying Chicken
2 lb. St. Louis Style Ribs
2 lb. Lasagna Dinner Entrée
1 lb. Gourmet Sausage
1 lb. Fully Cooked Meatballs
16 oz. Broccoli
15 oz. Refried Beans
12 ct. Tortillas
26 oz. Pasta Sauce
16 oz. Pasta
6 oz. Pancake Mix
16 oz. Fresh Carrots
3 lb. Golden Yukon Potatoes
4 oz. Chicken Noodle Soup (Makes 64 oz.)
4 lb. California Oranges
1 Dessert Item

All that for thirty bucks. In addition, there are a few other "add-on" units of meat you can get very cheap also.

It's easy to do, you go the the website, http://www.angelfoodministries.com/ to locate your closest distribution point. You contact them with your order, then pick up on the distribution day. Bring a large box (a large roughneck storage tub is great). You may wait in line to pick up, the program is getting popular.

Scared

As I mentioned earlier, I just started a new job. Like most of you out there, I'm not lacking in intelligence. Intelligence seems to be a bipolar trait. But for the first time in my life, I feel inadequate in that respect. I started a month of classroom training, and I'm being left in the dust. I'm no stranger to classrooms, I have a bachelors degree, went back for a technical associates, and have taken several other classes since. After my bachelors, I never received a grade lower than A. I HAVE to be one of the best in the class, it's my nature, there is no other option. But at this point I'm not fighting to be the top in the class, I'm struggling to survive.

This has been an obsessive concern of mine over the last several years, that my meds are slowing me down mentally. I suspected it, but never had a way of quantifying or validating those concerns. After today I'm as certain as I can be. Unless I'm in class with a bunch of damn Einsteins there's no way they're all going to be sharper than me.

I'm more than a little scared.

New Chapter In LIfe

A lot going on right now.

I started a new job this week as a consultant for a large, well-known insurance company. I love it. They run a tight ship, for example there's no internet access at all. But I gain a lot, such as great working conditions and people, and of course, more income.

Next, I gave up my gig at BipolarConnect. I loved the money, but it was time to move on.

There's been more, and I'll follow up.

Redesign Thoughts

It's not perfect, and it's not exactly what I was after. But it's better than it was. There's still a lot to do, little tweaks that will take weeks to finish.

I have always loved Blogger. A lot of bang for a secure, easy to use, free product. To me the benefits have always outweighed the limitations. After this redesign I'm not so sure. I'm seriously thinking about moving to Wordpress - not the free online version, the full hosted solution with your own domain. Here's how they stack up:

Ease of Use:
Blogger by a mile. Non-techies can be up and blogging in minutes. Wordpress requires some geeky research and practice. You'll figure it out, but it's not blogger.

Features:
Wordpress by a mile. You can use Wordpress as a blog, or as a full-blown content management system. The add-ons, widgets, and theme options are limitless. For Blogger it's not terrible, but it doesn't compare with Wordpress.

Security:
Blogger by a country mile. When you put your blog on blogger it will be there. In a month, a year, or more. It's not going anywhere. For Wordpress if you, for example, go to the hospital and can't pay for your webhosting, it's possible a webhost (not me) would delete your account. If you're not backed up (are we ever adequately backed up?) you've lost everything you've worked so hard on. If that happens to you, call me, I'll sit with you on the first suicide watch.

Design:
Wordpress. There is so much flexibility in design. Blogger is better than they used to be, but it's still not easy to get a custom design on Blogger.

Spam:
Blogger is incredibly good at recognizing and killing spam. Wordpress is getting better, but it's a clumsy process with a sophomoric look. For such a professional product, I expect more.

How about others? Any pros or cons?

Beginning Redesign

Unfortunately you can't take Blogger off-line while you make changes. So if you visit in the next hour or two you could find anything. With a little luck it will only take an hour or two.

Overlooked Emails

Over the last couple of months my frame of mind was so bad I was not capable of answering email. Today I was finally able to do some cleaning, and I filtered out hundreds of emails I could not possibly answer. I still have them, I filtered them into folders. But if you sent me an email I did not answer, my sincere apologies. Please send again and I'll do my best to answer.

Site Redesign

Doing a complete site redesign. I'm tired of this plain look, and want something different. So if you see my blog up and down, you'll know why.

Another Manic Discovery

Please don't try this at home, I'm a professional.

Sleep medication Ambien (Zolpidem)is some good shit. Some REAL good shit. When I'm not manic, 5 mg knocks me out. Most need 10 mg. But if you stay awake through that, it's like 6 or 7 scotches (PLEASE don't drink and do this, I want you as a reader tomorrow). Take 20 milligrams and you'll be talking to people who aren't there. Or maybe they really are, and you only see them in your dimension...

Sleep walking is common, as is sleep eating, and even sleep sex. My wife says she's gotten quite a bit lately. To that I want to know - was I any good? Did I seem to enjoy it? Was it more or less kinky than my normal self? I halfway expect to see a case of Ambien show up on my doorstep, ordered by wife from some remote pacific island where they can't even read a script.

This has been an interesting month.

First, the mania is hanging tough. The negative effects of the mania aren't nearly as strong as they were, and it's not as debilitating, but it's still there. Sleep still comes grudgingly, I still can't read, I still can't write, I couldn't begin to hold my hand steady, but the danger is gone. I'm not going to OD, or do anything incredibly stupid, although I came close on both counts.

I got a new job! Out of the blue a recruiter I'd worked with in the past called me. I told her I wasn't looking around, but I'd be willing to listen. I listened, she was looking for a consultant to be placed with one of the worlds largest insurance companies. It really was an interesting position, so my curiosity piqued, I agreed to talk to the employer. This was Monday. Tuesday afternoon I interviewed. Wednesday the recruiter called to say I "rocked their world". Thursday I had an offer in hand. So I went from being more or less contented with my job to having a new career in 4 days. How about that? In the interview I had zero problem with energy, enthuiasm, and conversation. Finally something positive about the mania?

I'm Watching American Idol's charity show right now. It's a barometer of Bono's career, isn't it? As he winds down, they have to wind up their fundraising.

I was flattered to receive an email from Andy Behrman - Electroboy. If you haven't read his book, it's a great read. Head over to his website and sign up for his newsletter.

My webhosting business is doing well, HomepageWebs (gjx.us). If you know anyone needing webhosting, drop me a line.

Kyle is doing great lately. More details later.

Thanks to all for your emails and thoughts. It's much appreciated.

More Paradox

I'm way behind on emails, comments, and phone calls. If I owe you one, I'll catch up soon, I promise.

Yet another feather in the cap of bipolar paradox:
The less sleep I get, the more wired I become.

Cleanup In Aisle...

I'm still struggling to link together multiple thoughts into a cohesive paragraph, but the promise of improvement is there.

This brings up the need for clean-up. I left a lot of things hanging over the last few months, a lot of emails not returned, comments not answered, even bridges burned. Sorry for all that. I'll do what I can to right things, when I can.

The recent lack of sleep gave me time to work on re-orging my web hosting business. It wasn't quality time, in 4 hours I'd get 15 decent minutes of work, but I still got a lot done. The site is still a work-in-progress but it's good enough for launch. For those who don't know, webhosting is providing the server space for a website. Every website needs to be "hosted" on a server. When you see those websites or blogs with their own domain name - mysitename.com, those people made arrangements with a hosting company to host that site. I stopped accepting web hosting customers several years ago, I had as many as I wanted to personally support. Well, I outsourced a lot of my support to people who know a lot more than I, and that means I am able to support more customers. I now have lightening-fast 24/7 support. I'll still personally handle most of the support issues during the day, there's so few of them, but the server techs will handle it outside of that. A win-win. Anyway, if anyone knows someone needing webhosting or design, have them look me up:
Homepagewebs - http://gjx.us

For those who observe Easter may you have a joyous Easter holiday.

Transcendental Blues

In the darkest hour of the longest night
If it was in my power I'd step into the light
Candles on the altar, penny in your shoe
Walk upon the water - transcendental blues.

Happy ever after 'til the day you die
Careful what you ask for, you don't know 'til you try
Hands are in your pockets, starin' at your shoes
Wishin' you could stop it - transcendental blues.

If I had it my way, everything would change
Out here on this highway the rules are still the same
Back roads never carry you where you want 'em to
They leave you standin' there with them ol'
Transcendental Blues.

--Steve Earle

Irish-Envy?

Why the Irish-envy? Violence, bagpipes, terrible food, and warbling-voiced folk singers.

Blech.

Symmetry

Symmetry is not optional.

7 Words To Please A Manic Mind

Shit, piss, fuck, cunt, cocksucker, motherfucker, and... tits.

Something's Not Right

For the last 2 months, at least in the few times I've been able to write, I've talked about how I was on the higher end of the mood spectrum. It started with a slightly elevated feeling about the time I started taking Lithium 3 months ago, and has steadily grown since then. While all the symptoms are intermittant, I'm dizzy, shaky, my heart rate is way up, I get these mini "jolts" or spasms, and insomnia is bad. It's not entirely unpleasant, but my body is coursing with energy, and nervous movement is pronounced and non-stop. But, unlike bipolar hypomania, I have no mental advantage. My mind is struggling to remember anything.

I have no idea what this is, maybe it's a severe mania that the Lithium has knocked down to this level? Maybe it's hyperthyroidism? Lithium toxicity? I'm calling the doc tomorrow, hopefully they can do some quick blood work and get a handle on this.

Checking In

It's been a while, so just checking in.

A strong hypomania, 4 hours of sleep a night for a couple weeks, and high stress can do funny things to a person. In the last few weeks I've done some good things, done some stupid things, but all-in-all the last few weeks could have been MUCH worse.

I just wish I could concentrate on something. Anything.

Charlie Bartlett

A while back I asked if anyone had seen the new movie "Charlie Bartlett". The wife and I saw it last night, our first movie alone in years. We loved it. Hilarious. Very well written, very well acted. Some very dark humor at times, and some very subtle humor at times. If you see it, don't be afraid to laugh.

Score Another For Obama

...Senator Clinton has a fine record. So do I. I'm happy to have a debate on the issues, but what we shouldn't be spending time doing is tearing each other down. We should be spending time lifting the country up."

Damn, this guy's good. Hillary just doesn't get it.

Charlie Bartlett

Has anyone seen the new movie Charlie Bartlett? The trailer shows a rich kid who gets kicked out of one private school after another, and ends up in a rough public school. It looks like he copes by becoming a street psychiatrist, dispensing medication to his peers. Looks very good.

Here's the IMDB link: Charlie Bartlett (2007)

Dear Abby: Pot may harm mental health

www.kansascity.com | 02/14/2008 | Dear Abby: Pot may harm mental health

First of all, I don't use marijuana or condone it's use. But this article is ridiculous. Marijuana use causes mental illness?

Research shows that regular use of marijuana may also lead to mental health problems. Youths who use marijuana weekly have double the risk of depression later in life and are three times more likely than non-users to have suicidal thoughts.

Ya gotta love researchers who can't understand that along with chickens you ALSO have eggs.

This Is Scary

I'm only a year away from being 50 years old. What the hell happened? I still feel like I'm in my early twenties, then I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror, and see my father. I'm not baggin' on my Dad, he's in great shape and I'm proud of him. But that's not supposed to be me.

I used to say my hard living would kill me by the time I hit 60, and that probably would have happened had I not changed. 10 years is a snap of the fingers at this point in my life. I'm working hard to extend my life, 30 plus remaining years is probable now. But it's still sobering knowing that I'm well past the halfway point. Also sobering is knowing that, like it's been all my life, I'm still only a paycheck away from being homeless. The success that I KNEW would come never materialized. Or perhaps it did come, I didn't recognize it, and pissed it away.

On the positive side, I'm not losing everything. But I think it's hilarious irony that when a person gets to the point where they've achieved the ultimate balance of longevity, experience, and skill, their physical attractiveness makes it a moot point.

"Ah, but I was so much older then, I'm younger than that now"

NAMI Volunteer Work

Hey All,

Just found out NAMI is looking for local volunteers in our area, mainly as support group facilitators. I'm thinking of volunteering. Does anyone do this? What are the upsides? Downsides?

Why Beefareeno?

I promised an explanation in an earlier post, so here it is.

First, I didn't like the URL (livingbipolar.blogspot.com) that shoved me into a bipolar pigeonhole. I (obviously) have bipolar disorder, but this doesn't have to be entirely a bipolar blog. So a name change was needed.

Beefareeno is an old Seinfeld expression. Kramer had a gig driving a horse-drawn carriage through the New York Streets. He fed the horse Beefareeno, and it developed a malodorous flatulence that sent his riders running away gagging and retching. Quite appropriate for this blog, wouldn't you say?

Also, there is little in life that can't be enhanced by a Seinfeld quote. When my boys and I get together the quotes fly fast and furious. For example, Kyle gave up coffee for lent. He taped a sign to the coffee maker that said: "Kyle - No coffee for you! Next!"

There's a million quotes and references out there, but I won't go into them right now. I'm too worn out from the bout of Euromysitisis poisoning I just got over...

Document Shows Army Blocked Help for Soldiers - NPR

Document Shows Army Blocked Help for Soldiers

I'm pasting this as-is from the NPR website:

A document from the Department of Veterans Affairs contradicts an assertion made by the Army surgeon general that his office did not tell VA officials to stop helping injured soldiers with their military disability paperwork at a New York Army post.

The paperwork can help determine health care and disability benefits for wounded soldiers.

Last week, NPR first described a meeting last March between an Army team from Washington and VA officials at Fort Drum Army base in upstate New York. NPR reported that Army representatives told the VA not to review the narrative summaries of soldiers' injuries, and that the VA complied with the Army's request.

The day the NPR story aired, Army Surgeon General Eric B. Schoomaker denied parts of the report. Rep. John McHugh (R-NY), who represents the Fort Drum area, told North Country Public Radio, that "The Surgeon General of the Army told me very flatly that it was not the Army that told the VA to stop this help."

Now, NPR has obtained a four-page VA document that contradicts the surgeon general's statement to McHugh. It was written by one of the VA officials at Fort Drum on March 31, the day after the meeting. The document says Col. Becky Baker of the Army Surgeon General's office told the VA to discontinue counseling soldiers on the appropriateness of Defense Department ratings because "there exists a conflict of interest."

So, you serve your country in a war that never should have happened, get injured to the point your life is changed, and the Army tells the VA not to assist in your paperwork? Fuck Bush and his tax cuts. I'd gladly pay more if I knew it was going to help these mentally and physically disabled soldiers.

Welcome to Beefareeno!

Welcome to Beefareeno.com!

This is still "Living With A Purple Dog", but it now uses beefareeno.com as the URL. This is a very cool thing Blogger has come out with. You can keep the ease of use, security, and features of Blogger, but use your own domain name. Blogger continues to host the blog and store the information, it just allows you to incorporate your custom name.

But don't touch that dial! Don't change your bookmarks, or names, or descriptions, or anything else. This all remains the same.

I still have a couple bugs like the banner, but I'll fix that tonight. If anyone else notices any bugs, please let me know.

Why Beefareeno? I'll tell you on the next post.

We Are Experiencing Technical Difficulties

This blog may be up and down while I experiment on domain CName changes. I will be up eventually with the same blog (maybe a minor re-design) and a new URL. But nothing changes, you won't have to change bookmarks, or links, or blogrolls, or anything else. That all stays the same, it will just show a different address in your address bar.

I'll post updates through the process.

Update:
The migration is done to domain gjgregory.com. The only problem so far is the banner is not appearing. I heard that can be an issue with larger images. I just need to move it to an external server and link to it that way.

Now, the final decison - use the domain gjgregory.com, or beefareeno.com. I'll have to kick that around.

Drop This Blog?

Kicking around a lot of thoughts lately. I'm mostly thinking out loud with this post.

I'm spread too thin. I do not have the material for, nor the time, to write two bipolar blogs. I've kept this blog because there are times I want to post things I can't post at BipolarConnect. My posts over there need to be 500+ words, and sometimes I want to post a few sentences, or a paragraph or two. This blog is pretty much only a bipolar disorder blog, given the title and URL of the blog. I'd like to have a place I can post anything, and not define myself as bipolar. It would include bipolar disorder topics, but would not be a blog about bipolar disorder.

Next, a platform. Blogger is easy and secure. Wordpress is flexible and I can keep the database for any kind of future use. I would never lose any posts with Google, but with Wordpress a server crash and you could lose everything.

Finally, where to post. I have 2 domains that could be used. One is a site I've had for years where I've been posting stories and other writings. But that's a site where I'd rather not "come out" with respect to bipolar disorder. Another is a great domain name where I've had a blog in the past.

Decisions, decisions.

If It Wasn't For Ambien...

Here comes another hit and run post.

It's been a long time since I've been tired. If it wasn't for sleeping pills I'd probably go 36 to 48 hours between sleep sessions. Because of this, I NEVER get more than 6 hours of sleep a night, and usually 4 to 5. I've thought about taking Seroquel daily to bring me down a bit, but my memory loss has been significant over the last couple of years and I'm terrified of anything that might further accelerate that loss.

It reminds me of a time in the mid nineties when I went 6 months on no more than 3 hours a night. Things got a little nasty towards the end of that period.

I can't say I'm not enjoying the energy, but I'm a little nervous where this is headed.

Lithium Question

A few months ago I started on Lithium. The last week or so I've had this intermittant dull pain in my kidneys. Not uncomfortable, but noticeable. Sometimes right side, sometimes left side.

I'm paranoid about this stuff, although I love what the lithium is doing for me. Has anyone else experienced this?

Still Around

Hey All - Mark asked what was going on, and I realized how few times I'd posted recently.

Most of my posting is being done at the BipolarConnect site. Lately I haven't even been able to manage regular posting over there.

The bipolar paradox. In order to live in the normal world, we need medication. But what originally drew our spouses, significant others, friends and other normies to us is our bipolar personality. We medicate to keep them happy, and we turn into something not as desirable. If we don't medicate we eventually lose them anyway. The same with writing - I began writing because I could express myself, and I was prolific. Both qualities are fading away as my mental stability is being achieved.

Bottom line, I'm less prolific every day. My contract says my posts can't go to both blogs, and I'm down to a handful of viable words I can write every day. The bipolar paradox.

I'm Back

Got back from vacation very late Sunday, and have been buried since. I am behind hundreds of emails, and the problems pile up at work when I'm gone. The only "leisure" I'm going to allow myself this week is a DBSA support group on Thursday. I'll update sometime after that with pics and stories.

Vacation

Hey All,
I'll be "off the grid" for the next few days. I'm going where the cattle far outnumber people, and ducks and geese far outnumber cattle and people combined. Intermittent cell phone coverage, and internet? We could probably find a rancher with dial-up, or talk to the banker in the closest town. That is, if I even wanted internet access, which I don't. ;-)

I'll be around until late afternoon Wednesday if anyone wants to reach me, otherwise see you all in a couple of days.